unlovable

part 7

[vanessa's pov]
i haven't talked to any of my friends in an entire week, and it's very strange. they haven't contacted me & that's okay.. i will talk to them soon. cody & i have talked a lot over the past couple days, our adventures have always been great. i love talking to him, but there's still that feeling of emptiness from where caleb used to be. why can't i be over him? why can't i move on as easily as he did?
"hi, ness, you okay?" my dad asks, walking into the kitchen. he has a KFC cup in his hand.

"caleb, you are something else!" i watch as he pulls out a large size of popcorn chicken.
the sun is gone, it feels like it's just us outside. of course he's getting KFC at night, this is why i love him. he bought me an iced tea from starbucks, though. he refuses to let me pay. i giggle as he shows me memes on instagram while he eats. i could never get sick of this, get sick of him.. he makes me so ridiculously happy.
we pull out of the parking lot & drive to the park.
he opens the trunk of his car and lays down the blankets he brought. we sit in the open trunk of his car, watching the stars as the moon shines over us. he scrolls through his phone, the light from his phone lights up his face.
he smiles & i'm just reminded that everything is okay. we're okay. i'm okay.
i push his phone out of his hand and connect my lips with his. he smiles & places his hands around my waist. he breaks away for a moment,"i love you." i smile wide,"i love you most."

"hey-- honey, what's going on?" my dad questions, placing his hand on my back.
"dad, i really miss him." i can't help the tears that fall. i'm always fucking crying.
"don't waste your tears, he's not worth it." he assures. i don't take that very well.
i stand up, "everyone keeps telling me that lately. if it's so easy why can't i do it? you all act like i'm stupid, like i don't know right from wrong. you think because of my past that i'm blindsided to everything? i've been through hell. why would i miss someone who wasn't worth it-- who wasn't everything. dad, i actually loved him. i don't expect you to understand, but please don't try to tell me that he's not worth it. things were so good dad, he made me the happiest. you know this. i can't get him back now, he's gone. i only wanted him, dad. why can't--" i rant, and break down even more.
i collapse to the floor and begin to sob.
why can't this pain just go away? i want it to go away. i hate this, i hate it.
i loved him & then i lost him.
"hey, hey.. it's going to be okay. time will heal all of this, honey." he reassures.
i don't really listen to him, i just nod my head like i am. all i can see & hear is caleb.
this is fucking awful.
please remind me to never feel this way again. i want him to be happy, to be truly happy. i told him that all the time-- but did i think it would be with her? absolutely not.
he had talked to her in the beginning of our relationship & he admitted it to me. i should've seen it coming.
i just want the pain to go away.
it's a lose/lose situation either way.
i'm going under.
now i'm going to have to bring myself to the surface.