unlovable

part 33

[caleb's pov]
it's all my fault. i broke her heart.
she cries so many tears over me & she's spoke her mind time and time again like it's going to change something. like it's going to change what i did.
she's better off without me.
i hate knowing that i hurt her. me. i told her i wouldn't & then i did.
not just once, either. a bunch of times.
yet she still loves me.. she looks past everything.
i miss talking to her, i miss the her that i know.
she's been so distant-- so off.. i've called a few times and texted a bunch and if i get a reply, it's different... i've been so tempted to go over to her house and just see her.. but i know it isn't right.
janice & i keep growing closer.
i always seem to hurt people, though, right?

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[vanessa's pov]
i've cried over caleb so much, i could probably make a new ocean.
it's like there's a dagger in my heart and i keep twisting it over and over.
luckily, i've been more numb lately. i am so thankful to feel nothing over all of the pain and hurt.
i'm just not enough.. and i don't deserve cody.
i miss one direction so much. they play all the time.. everywhere i go, i have my earbuds.
i play music in my car constantly. it works out great.
"can't ever get it right! no matter how hard i try... and i've tried... well i put up a good fight.. but your words, cut like knives.. and i'm tired... as you break.. my heart again this time.." i prepare myself to belt the chorus, "tell me i'm a screwed up mess! that i never listen, listen.. tell me you don't want my kiss.. that you need your distance, distance! tell me anything but don't you say she's what you're missing, baby.. if she's the reason that you're leaving me tonight... spare me what you think and.. tell me a lie."
i take a deep breathe. that felt good.
my eyes are almost always bloodshot. i'm so numb that sometimes tears fall from my eyes for no reason. it's quite odd.
i pull into the parking lot to my apartment complex and "my" parking spot is empty. good.
my music fades from "tell me a lie" to "same mistakes" and i feel the flashbacks spill in.
oh fuck.
"circles, we're going in circles..."
doing donuts in my jeep out on that summer day, sweet tea in the console. his hand on my thigh while he gets to drive. the giggles, my hair in the wind. the dry dirt kicking up as we spin around.
"dizzy's all it makes us"
getting into another stupid argument with him in walmart and then making out in the back of the gardening aisle.
"we know where it takes us, we've been before"
when he surprised me by taking me to see the fray in concert. the way he held me as we swayed to the music we always listened to together. the moon & stars shining above us. a warm night with cool air.
"closer, maybe looking closer"
when he told me i had something on my mouth and then he kissed me and said that it was just his lips.
"there's more to discover"
when we walked through parking garages and through empty stairwells, him holding onto my hand. almost getting in trouble by a janitor. our laughter echoing. all the kisses i stole.
"find out what went wrong without blaming each other"
standing in his bedroom, clueless, asking if i did something. wondering why he became so distant. asking if it was my fault, begging to know what i did to deserve him leaving.
"think that we got more time"
losing my virginity to him. how careful he was being. asking if i was sure & if i was okay throughout. he listened & he told me he loved me over and over.
"when we're falling behind"
when he challenged me to a race and i pretended to get hurt. he got worried and came to check on me, and while he was standing beside me, i went into a full sprint and won. he grabbed me by the waist and spun me around, and then tackled me to the ground, kissing me all over.
"gotta make up our minds"
when we had sex & then he told me to leave. the tears streaming down my face while he gripped the back of his neck with his hand. the lingering silence that filled the room.
"or else we'll play, play, play all the same old games"
him beating me in call of duty and i faked being upset so he would feel bad & kiss me a bunch.
"and we wait, wait, wait for the end to change"
when we watched the sunset together in michigan. we sat on a foggy hill together, his dog running around. the deep conversations we had & the connection we felt.
"and we take, take, take it for granted that we'll be the same"
the toll everything had taken on the both of us and then seeing him in that club. cody by my side, janice by his. hooking up in the bathroom. then going back to pretending like nothing happened.
"but we're making all the same mistakes"
making out in the hot tub at that gym, his hands on my body.. my hands in his hair..
"wake up, we both need to wake up"
the night he had a terrible nightmare. i shook him awake. his eyes shot open and then when he saw me, his features softened and he embraced me. he held me all night.
"maybe if we face up to this"
standing under the christmas lights we had just finished putting up. standing in front of him, the lights twinkling in his eyes. our breathe in the freezing air. he told me he loved me for the first time. i said it back and we kissed, the snowflakes falling around us.
"we can make it through this"
waking up in the hospital and feeling his arms around me. when he said i was his even when he left me for her.
"closer, maybe we'll be closer"
all the pictures i took of him. of us. the silly faces, the kisses, some of the sexual themed photos. especially the ones i sent to him when he wasn't expecting it.
"stronger than we were before, yeah"
all the netflix marathons we had which usually ended with us making out or falling asleep together. our body heat under the soft blankets comforting both of us. talking things out.
"make this something more, yeah"
roller skating with him as he chased me off the rink, attacking me with kisses and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

i don't know how long i've been screaming like crazy, but when i snap out of my memory trance, my own scream fills my ears.
i immediately quiet myself and turn off my car.
this happens a lot but this is by the far the worst one so far. everything here reminds me of him.. of what we had.. everything reminds me of what happened..

a voice runs through my head.

you can't stay here anymore, vanessa.

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oOoOo dayum

2 more chapters until the end of the book!!

thank you so much for reading!!! xo

- adrianna