unlovable

part 6

i crank the volume on "rise" by katy perry.
my car's bass sends vibrations to my soul, it soothes my heart, soothes me. it drowns out the pain that i'm feeling. tears stain my cheeks as i drive in a random direction. anywhere but home right now.
nothing feels like home anymore.
i decide this song isn't very fitting anymore so i switch it to "can you hold me" by NF.
you're strong. you can do this. fuck him.
i'm weak. i can't do this. i want him.
forget about him. you're better than him. move on.
i can't forget about him. he's the best. i can't move on. i can't.
vanessa, get your shit together. you're a bad bitch, don't cry over someone who doesn't deserve you.
stop brain, stop feelings, stop stop stop. i grab the side of my head. i just want everything to go away, for everything to be quiet. all i want to fucking hear is the goddamn music.

-----
[caleb's pov]
i slam my fist into the hood of my car. fuck, caleb. i hope she's okay-- gosh i hope she's okay. she probably hates me & i would too. this is what i deserve, though. this is what i wanted, right? i've hurt too many people. i've lost my mind and i'm beyond helping, now. janice keeps calling. i know vanessa hates her.. but i just can't let janice go. she's nice & sweet & cute but something within me still craves vanessa.. i can feel it. i didn't deserve vanessa. her love, her kindness.. she's definitely a handful, that's for sure. she stresses me out sometimes. she's so passionate, almost too passionate at times. i think maybe i couldn't handle it anymore. i had to leave.. but the little things mean something. i know that i'm always gonna be by her side, but i can't let her believe that i love her. i don't deserve love. i need to feel pain, i need to suffer, to be hurt over this. she has to move on, and i'm gonna have to push her to do it. she can't love me.
i unlock my phone and begin typing.
"i don't have romantic feelings for you anymore. i moved on to her.. i'm sorry, i don't know what you want me to say."
i press send & throw my phone, not caring where it lands.
-----
[vanessa's pov]
when i feel my phone vibrate, i turn down the volume a bit. i read the message but it won't even process in my brain..
he moved on?
that's not what it felt like when our bodies were pressed together. if you moved on, your lips certainly did not. neither did your hands...
i laugh & leave him on read, tossing my phone back in the passenger seat.
when "love lockdown" by kanye west comes on, my hand rushes to the volume knob and twists to the right. i push my foot down a little harder on the gas.
moved on? with her? that's funny. what does she have that i don't, though? maybe inside jokes, maybe immaturity? i remember all the shit she said to him & put him through..
there has to be something wrong here, somewhere.
that's his problem now, though, now isn't it?
i giggle & turn down the volume.
"hey, siri!" i yell.
i hear my phone ding.
"send a text to caleb." i order, keeping an eye on the road.
"what do you want to say to caleb?" brian asks, his accent is thick.
that question almost makes me laugh at this point.
"have fun." i reply.
when brian asks to send my message, i don't think twice about saying yes.
i love the fact that my siri is a guy, and he's british.
he's not real, yet he helps me with my guy who i'm trying to fight for, who is real. thanks, brian.

-

it's now 1AM & i'm sitting in a taco bell parking lot.
fuck caleb & his new girl, she's a downgrade, anyways. i don't care.
it's cool outside, my windows are cracked just enough for the breeze to cast through my jeep.
i'm scrolling through instagram when a shadow casts over the interior of my car.
a boy, probably around my age walks to the car next to me. the parking lot lights illuminate him just enough. he's wearing a black t-shirt, skinny jeans & gray vans. there's a print on the shirt, but it's too dark to see what it is. his dark chocolate brown hair lays long on the top, the sides shaved. i see him start to move his head in my direction, so i quickly look back to my phone.
i hear a knock at my window & i take a deep breathe. it's him.
i smile & roll down my window.
"hey, are you okay?" he asks.
everything built up inside me is crumbling.
i feel my eyes well up with tears.
"i'm fine, thank you for asking." i give him a weak smile.
"i don't believe that for one second." he folds his arms on the edge of my open car window, "but, hi. my name is cody. what's yours?"
"i'm vanessa." i blush.
"ah, beautiful name for a beautiful girl. what's a nice girl like you doing alone?" he says, eyes scanning over the inside of my car.
"guys are dicks." i groan.
"i beg to differ, you just haven't met the right one yet, sweetheart." he smirks.
i bite my lip, "yeah? do you happen to know any?"
he laughs, "vanessa, do you want to go on an adventure with me for a while?"
i check my phone's battery, i'm at 92%. more than enough to last me.
i think over my options for tonight. parents are gone on vacation.. family is busy.. caleb fucking that other bitch.. friends all partying or working on school work.. why not?
"why yes, yes i would." i giggle, grabbing my purse from the passenger seat.

------
[caleb's pov]
"caleb, come on." janice says, tugging on my sleeve.
"not right now, please." i grumble, running my hand through my hair.
i keep thinking of her. not janice. vanessa. vanessa was my everything and she still is, but she needs to move on. i'm not enough for her.
janice leans on me & part of me just wants to push her off. her hair smells like lavender. vanessa's hair always smelled like fruit-- or something sweet.
this is different.. this is all so different.
i don't think i belong in vanessa's world anymore. she needs someone new, right? i have someone new. i need to embrace it, then.
"actually..." i mumble, pulling janice's face towards mine. she eagerly connects her lips with mine.
here's to embracing it.