unlovable

part 28

[vanessa's pov]
i shove him into a wall & slam my fists into his chest.
"why the fuck would you do this to me!?" i sob.
the guy i loved with everything i had stands silent, looking down at me.
"it was all a lie, wasn't it!? you liar!" i yell.
he mumbles, "you think it was all a lie?"
"it had to be! you always loved her, it was always her. wasn't it!? you seem to be able to hold me tight physically.. but you never did emotionally.. did you? was i nothing to you? what was real!?" i can't catch my breathe.
i feel myself suffocating.
he's everywhere, the colour of his eyes washes in my head like a fucking tsunami wave.
i feel like i'm drowning.
his voice & his laughter plays in my head.
"why don't you just kill me?" i cry to anyone who may be listening.
i don't want to feel like this. i hate this. why can't i just feel nothing!? why can't i cut myself off from everything!?
he looks me in the eyes, "i never loved you. you mean nothing to me anymore."
i can't breathe. i feel like i'm drowning.
wake up! WAKE UP!
i sit up and it feels like i'm choking on air.
i look around.
i'm in my bed. cody went home hours ago.
it's 3AM.
i start hysterically sobbing in my bed.. it feels like my heart is bleeding.. like someone is crushing it in their hands.
this isn't my fault. yes it is.
he loved me. no he didn't, it was all in your head.
my skin itches.. it's that time again.
ugh.
i grab the small blade from my desk. tears are spilling down my cheeks so quickly, it feels like i could fill an ocean by now.
i'm a second choice, always almost good enough, but never quite.. i deserve all of this, don't i?
is love even real?
i had it, i felt it.. and then it slipped right through my fingers.
i drag the blade across my lower wrist, tears flowing down my face. i can barely see.
the burning & stinging sensation soothes my inner pain. i watch as the crimson liquid appears. it rolls off my arm and onto my lap.
i run the blade across again. and again. and again.
until i'm numb.
until all i can see is red.
until all i can feel is nothing.

---
i finish wrapping the bandage around my arm.
your cat scratched you.
i take a deep breathe & walk back to my bedroom.
i sink back in my bed & hope that all this self-hate, all this pain & all this desire running through my veins goes away soon.
do i even deserve cody?
why do i if i'm still thinking about caleb?
i hate myself.
i feel like getting in my car & holding a lighter to the interior. i feel like walking to the train tracks & laying down until i get some sweet release. i feel like downing a bottle of pills and laying in my bed. i feel like joining my family.
"grandma.. grandpa.. i want to come back." i sob. they can hear me, i know they can.
i talk to them all the time.. even in public. i think sometimes people want to admit me to a psych ward.. and honestly, maybe they should.
i'm beyond repair, aren't i? i'm so messed up.
i'm annoying. i'm awful. i'm not important.
i scream and begin to rip the pictures off my wall.
i fall to the ground again, crying.
my arm hurts, my heart hurts.. i hurt.
i look down to one of the photos that came off my wall. it's caleb & i kissing.
i can't even be in my own room anymore without seeing him, without being reminded of what i lost.
he used you. he never loved you.
i wish my brain would shut the fuck up.
i grab my keys with my shaky hands and slide on my converse as fast as i can, rushing out of my apartment. i lock the door quickly and run to my car. i slide into the drivers seat. i fear for my safety and for my life if i am alone tonight.
i drive out of the parking lot and drive (slightly over the speed limit, might i add) down the street.
i can't drive by caleb. you two are over, he's done with you, vanessa.
cody hasn't left my side in days. you're not going by him, you can't bother him this late.
i drive to a driveway i haven't been to in what feels like forever.
i ring the doorbell, praying for an answer.
moments later, i hear the inner door opening.
"oh my gosh.. vanessa!?"
"hi, jordan." i mumble.
she opens the screen door and pulls me inside.

----
"i'm such an awful friend, i'm so sorry." i feel myself start to cry again.
"stop that, it's okay, vanessa. are you okay?" she asks, handing me a cup of tea.
i take a sip & remain silent.
"vanessa, you can talk to me." she smiles, sitting on the couch beside me.
she's wearing fluffy cat pants, a t-shirt that says "bad bitches only" and zebra-print slippers. her black hair is pulled back into a messy bun. she isn't wearing makeup, yet she still looks so beautiful.
it's been so long since i've seen her.
"i just feel like i don't deserve happiness.. yanno? i have it for one moment and then it's ripped away from me the next. relationships always seem to end so beyond painfully for me.. and i hate myself, jordan. i hate myself for not being able to pull myself together enough to move on. i hate myself in general.. but this is so fucking hard. i'm a strong bitch. i shouldn't be crying and hurting over losing someone. it happens all the time.. why is this time so different!?" i rant.
"vanessa, your feelings are valid. don't make him feel like they're not. it's okay, i promise. you deserve happiness, baby. you're probably tired of hearing this but you're going to find someone to love you the way you deserve." she rests a hand on my knee.
"i only wanted him.. and you see how that worked out? so wonderfully." i groan and take a sip of tea.
she sighs.
i take a deep breathe, "i'm really sorry. i'm a mess, if you couldn't tell. these last couple weeks have been like a huge knife going in and out of my chest. i'm just hurting. thank you so much. i love you so much & i'm so sorry for not seeing you as much as i should have."
i give her a hug, careful not to spill my tea on her.
"of course, vanessa. i missed you. i love you too. i'm always here for you." she assures me.
i take a deep breathe.
you're not okay, vanessa.

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fuck everything honestly FOOKING SHET!

double postingggg ayyyy

thanks for reading xo

- adrianna