unlovable

part 13

[caleb's pov]
i felt awful about the whole thing.. i have feelings for vanessa & janice, i always make the wrong decisions and i hate it.
soon after i made vanessa leave, i made janice leave too. it didn't feel right.
i've called vanessa about 20 times now, it goes to voicemail every time.
she always has her phone. she's probably ignoring me and i would too.
i want to apologize. she deserves better than me.. she probably hates me by now.
i lock my phone & place it on my nightstand.
as soon as i roll over, i feel my body begin to drift, to relax. sleep takes over my body.

--
my phone vibrates loudly on my nightstand.
i roll over quickly & pick it up, looking to see if it's vanessa's name on the screen.
it's not, though.
it's my mother.
i squint at the time. 3AM?
why is my mom calling me at 3AM?
i groan & answer my phone.
"yes, mother? it's so late, why are you--"
i hear her muffled cry.
"mom?" i sit up in my bed.
"get into your car and meet me at the hospital, please." she croaks.
in that moment, it felt as though my heart stopped beating.

---
i sprint into the waiting room.
"what the hell is going on!?" i yell, looking around for my mom.
it's fairly empty, but a few heads turn to look at me like i'm crazy. i don't care.
i walk down a thin hallway to the guest check-in.
"m'am, you are not immediate family, you are not permitted entry unless granted by an immediate family member. especially with the patient in critical condition, i'm afraid i cannot grant you access, i'm sorry."
i turn around the corner to see my mother standing in front of the window.
she looks at me. her eyes tell me a whole lot. she remains silent. i'm on the verge of breaking down completely.
this better not be for--
"what's going on? who are you talking about?" i ask the guard behind the window.
"it was a car accident, car flipped & totalled. vanessa is--"
i fall to the floor, sobbing.

-----
i don't remember anything besides waking up in this uncomfortable chair.
the tan walls of this room are almost suffocating. the smell of hand sanitizer overwhelms me.
the distant sounds of vending machines, quiet tvs and keyboards clicking is all my brain wants to focus on right now. i'm going insane.
the room's lights are too bright, they make my eyes sting. i put my hood up & grab the strings of my sweatshirt. i pull them tight.
it helps drown out some of the light. i don't want people to see me right now, nor do i really want to see them.
i feel my mother's presence beside me.
"what room is she in?" i whisper.
"517." my mom says, quietly.
i watch from the corner of my hood as a nurse walks through the locked doors.
my mind hurts, my body hurts, i hurt.
i feel completely numb from all of the pain.
this is my fault, isn't it. i hurt everyone, don't i?
immediate family, though? seriously? her parents can't be here right now. they're on their way back from their trip right now. they won't be here in time. she needs someone.
i need her.
i watch as a doctor passes by me, walking to the locked doors.
that immediate family only bullshit? fuck that.
as soon as the doctor walks through, i stand up quickly & rush through the closing door.
the doctor i followed has already disappeared down another hallway. i can hear commotion in the waiting room, but i'm already searching the signs for what room numbers are where.
i have to go up 2 more levels.
fuck.
i rush to the elevator without looking too suspicious & press the correct button.
as soon as the door opens again, i rush to the nearest wall, looking for the correct number.
i dart to the right, speeding down the hallway.
513. 514. 515. 516.
517.
a doctor comes out of her room, gives me a weak smile and passes me by. i act casual.
as soon as he is gone, i walk to the door and then stop myself.
am i prepared for this?
i don't have too much time to decide before security will catch up with me.
i push the latch on the door and slowly walk into the room. the slow beeps on the monitor are all i can hear. my heartbeat is now in my ears, i'm shaking so badly. my skin is hot.
this is all your fault.
you didn't deserve her, anyways.
look what happened.
great job, caleb.
i feel more tears fall. the voices are so loud.
a curtain divides the room.
i walk slowly to the curtain & place my hand on the rough fabric.
i pull it back slightly & close my eyes.
do i dare look?
just get it over with, caleb.
i open my eyes.
my heart stops once again.
i don't know what i thought, but it's much worse than that.
my beautiful girl is motionless.
i rush to her side, tears flowing down my cheeks.
a mask remains around her nose & mouth, attached to tubes and all sorts of medical bullshit. she has 5 needles in her left arm, her right arm has a cast. her neck & face are slightly bruised. her eyebrow & top lip are busted. she has dried blood in her hair. did she fracture her skull? oh my god.
yet, she looks calm. she looks peaceful.
she got in a fucking car accident, she was probably crying. because of what i did. because of me. this is all my fault.
i take her hand in mine.
"i-i'm s-so sorry. i-i love you." i cry against her.
i kiss her fingers and hold them tightly.
i know that i don't have much time left, my mom is probably trying to stall them.
"i'll be back, baby. stay strong, fight through this & please come back to me." i whisper, getting up and kissing the okay part of her forehead.
i exit the room as fast as i can, rushing into the elevator nearest to her room.
i hear the security guards down the hallway, their boots thumping and belts clinking.
the elevator closes & i arrive down to the main floor.
that was close.
my brain processes everything that it just saw.
my heart feels shattered.
the waiting room is to the right of me, but i walk straight ahead.
i can't see my mother right now. if i don't have vanessa, i don't want anyone right now.
i feel dull, empty, cold, numb.
i feel everything & nothing.
i just get in my car & drive.

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thank you for reading, it means a lot.

xo
- adrianna