unlovable

part 27

[vanessa's pov]
my shaky hands dig through the bathroom drawers until they finally find the bottle.
the bottle of pills that make the pain go away...
tears are falling down my cheeks.
cody knocks on the door, "baby, are you okay?"
i had only been in here for a few seconds.. why is he asking? does he know? i need to cry quieter.
i clear my throat, "i'm okay! i'll be out in one second!"
i twist the cap and spill some of the small tablets into my palm.
the door swings open and i see cody's reflection in the mirror.
his face is filled with pure shock & horror.
i burst into tears and fall onto the floor, the bottle falling from my hands. pills bounce everywhere.
"baby, no, come here." he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap.
he pulls down his sweatshirt sleeves and swipes them across my cheeks.
he then holds me tightly & rocks me back and forth.
"i don't want to feel the pain anymore, cody." i cry out, gripping the front of his sweatshirt.
he places his hand on the back of my head, "it's okay, shhh.. it's okay."
everything gets blurry & then i return to the familiar darkness.

---
[caleb's pov]
my phone starts ringing... vanessa? why would vanessa be calling me?
i answer quickly, "hello?"
shaky breathing.
"caleb.. come to vanessa's place, i need your help." it's cody.
my heart stops. i grab my keys & i rush out the door.

----
i ring the buzzer to her apartment as fast as i can & within seconds, caleb is opening the door for me.
"i hate that i had to call you but i've never seen her like this.. she had these pills in her hand. she's not doing okay. she passed out & i put her in her bed. i don't know what else to do..." cody explains.
i simply nod and move past him into her apartment.
when i get to her room, my heart breaks.
mascara stains her cheeks. she's been crying a lot.
she's breathing, though, and that's what matters.
"can you go get a glass of water?" i ask cody.
he walks out of the room quickly.
i push the hair that had fallen over her face away. i run my hand across her cheek.
when i hear cody shuffling in the hallway, i remove my hand quickly.
"thank you." i say, placing the water on her nightstand.
i'm trying to brainstorm ways that we can get some sort of response from her..
and one pops into my head.
"listen, cody.. i don't want to make things awkward, but i am going to try something." i climb beside her on the bed.
cody looks at me in confusion, but then nods.
i adjust her to lay in my arms, her right ear is against my chest. perfect.
i use one arm to support her, and the other to trace my fingers up and down her inner arm.
my eyes fall down to both of her arms.
new scars scatter across them.
i feel tears prick my eyes.. i bite my lip to hold them back.

----
[vanessa's pov]
there's so much darkness. my grandma isn't here this time. i'm disappointed.
then, i feel my entire body relax.
a heart beat fills my ears.
the scent of cologne that i remember so well.. caleb? how could it be?
i feel so calm, so at-home.. so relaxed.

---
[caleb's pov]
i continue to run my fingers up and down her inner arm. her breathing increases.
her left hand reaches up and pulls my arm closer to her. she holds onto me tightly, like how close we are isn't close enough.
i can't help but smile. cody lets out a breathe of relief. i completely forgot he was here, to be honest.
"gosh, thank you so much, man. i appreciate it." he walks over to us & pats my arm.
damn. i have to go now.
i start to try to move out of the bed, but she just holds onto me tighter.
i chuckle, "she is not letting go."
cody just laughs along and shakes his head.
"here, how about i go get her some of her favorite food? she hasn't eaten much today & i think she would like to wake up to that." cody suggests.
YES! alone time with vanessa? no duh.
"that sounds like a great idea!" i say.
he leaves after that and i laugh to myself.
"is he gone?" i hear her whisper.
oh my god.
"yeah." i whisper.
i hear the apartment door open and close.
she opens her eyes and holds me close.
"i'm sorry." she mumbles into my sweatshirt.
why is she apologizing? i'm the one who did this, who fucked everything up.
i'm the one who hurt her.
i shake my head and intertwine my fingers with hers.
"there's nothing for you to be sorry for."
she sits up and pulls her hand away from mine, "listen.. that's what i wanted to talk to you about.."
i look at her confused. isn't this what she wants?
"of course i want you.." it's almost like she's answering my thoughts, "but listen, caleb. i love you so much and i always will. you mean everything to me & i miss you all the time.. and it's a bummer that you don't share those feelings.. but i understand. she means more to you, you have more with her.. it's fine. i can't do this anymore, though.. i'm only one girl. i know you still love me, i know that you still care about me in that way. you have admitted it to me before in phone calls that i know you don't remember. the brain is a crazy and amazing thing. please be safe. i'm sure everything is hard enough on you already. you deserve to be happy, and to be okay.. and i can't let you if i'm still around, holding you back. i had no idea this was going to happen tonight.. but i've been meaning to talk to you about everything. you will always hold a place in my heart, caleb. you left me to follow your heart. now please go follow it, because it only hurts more when you are giving me false hope & empty love. i love you caleb, now stop letting me get in the way of you & janice..." she is crying by the end of her rant, and honestly i feel like i could, too.
i cannot find words to say.
she leans in and kisses me hard. it's filled with so much passion, i have never felt this in my life.
i missed her soft lips on mine.
the apartment door opens and we disconnect quickly.
"thank you for everything, caleb." she whispers with tear-filled eyes & a weak smile.
she gets off the bed and walks to the doorway.
i watch as she dries her tears and takes a deep breathe. she looks back at me one last time. there's so much behind her eyes.
then, she walks into the hall, "hi, babe!"

if my heart was glass, consider it shattered.

-----
FOOKING HELL!
today was fucking heartbreaking.

thank you for reading !! xo

- adrianna