unlovable

part 10

i awoke to the sound of cody's soft breathing, his arms wrapped tightly around me.
i look at him & smile. he cares about me so much, he makes me feel good... but i still feel that emptiness. i can't help but feel used after everything with caleb, maybe he wanted janice the whole time we were together. at the end of the day though, cody isn't caleb-- no one is. caleb & i had something special. i can never replace that. the fact is, he doesn't want me anymore and as much as i wish it was him i was sharing everything with-- it's not. there's a piece of me that still believes he loves me, that he still wants to be with me. i'm delusional. i need to grow up.
i slide my hoodie back on and grab my keys from the end of cody's couch. he looks so peaceful, so calm. i decide not wake him, so i leave, being careful to be quiet.

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[caleb's pov]
it's so quiet in my house, almost too quiet.
i'm home alone & feeling pretty lonely, so i decide on going to my room & have a netflix night.
i scroll through until i find american horror story.
memories flash back.

"wait! is she alive!? wait-- no don't tell me." i laugh, looking over to vanessa who is stretched out beside me. she looks beautiful, like always.
"i'm telling you, you're going to get answers soon enough, babe." she laughs.
she then adjusts herself so her head rests against my side. i place my arm around her, rubbing her shoulder softly.
the light from the tv is the only light within the room, it's relaxing. i feel her body heat & it makes me happy. reminds me that i'm lucky-- i have her.
as soon as the episode ends, i look down to her.
her eyes are closed & her breathing is slow, she's sleeping. i smile and lean slightly, kissing her forehead. she's mine. i lay back further & adjust the pillow behind me. i pull her close & before i know it, i'm drifting into a peaceful sleep.

i snap out of the memory. it's a good one.
how is she? i miss her. i miss her so much. i just want to hear about her, how her day went, how she's feeling.. this was my choice, though.
was it the right one? for her sake, yeah probably.
for me? i'm not really sure.
i sink back into my bed & resume the episode i had been watching.
after the episode ends, i check my phone. 3 messages. my heart rate increases, and then i realize they're from janice. not vanessa.
i toss my phone back onto the bed & turn on my side. i really just want her to find better, to move on & be happy. nothing good can come from me, all i seem to do is hurt people.
she could find someone like me in .2 seconds, and i'm sure she already has.
i love vanessa, i really do.. it's easy with janice.. too easy. i miss vanessa.
i miss our talks, her smile, her laugh, helping her... i miss all the details, too.
everything is just confusing for me, i guess. i know that i love her, but i have janice now.
all of a sudden, there's a knock & my dog starts barking.
oh hell no.
if it's a clown or some shit, i'm gone.
i walk down the stairs cautiously, my dog stands by the front door. he's no longer barking, he's whining.
"who is it, boy?" i whisper to my dog, like he can reply. i slowly open the door.
my breathing hitches.
"vanessa?"

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sorry! short chapter.

thank you for reading, it means a lot(: xo

- adrianna