unlovable

part 19

[vanessa's pov]
week one was the worst. the loneliest.
i didn't return caleb's texts or calls.
i came over to cody's house on that morning like i had promised, but i didn't stay long.
ever since then, i haven't returned his texts or calls, either.
i told my parents that i'm busy & not ready to talk.
my life consists of snuggling my cat, and drinking hot tea while blankly staring out the window.
almost all the leaves have fallen from the trees, winter will be here soon.
what is my life? what has my life become?
my car was totalled & luckily, it was under my dad's father's name..
they're getting me a new one.. which i appreciate so much. they know what that freedom means to me.
they've already given me a few talks on how i need to be a better driver-- to be more cautious.
it's almost like they're blaming me for it.. like i really wanted to do that.
week one was very lonely and very difficult.

week two was less hard, but it definitely wasn't the happiest of times.
i went to caleb's house, once. for about 10 minutes. to say hi, to tell him thanks for everything he was there for me for.. i kissed him, started crying, and then left.
he's probably highly confused.
i don't blame him.
i called cody, he has been so worried about me.
i told him i was fine & i'd see him soon, which is probably a lie.
on the final day of the second week, cody used the spare keys to my apartment and came in.
i was watching netflix when he came in. my heart stopped. he kept asking if i was okay and he kept hugging me and reminding me that he was there for me & that he loved me..
it was really sweet & i know how much he cares.. i just couldn't do that in that moment.
i then told him i loved him too but he needed to leave. he understood, kissed me and then left.

week three was odd.
i felt empty, cold, alone.. i hadn't had too much human interaction. i cried all the time.
then, something inside of me was sparked. i told myself that i needed caleb. he respected me enough to leave me alone.. or maybe he didn't want to see me. i don't know.
i drove to his house and waited in his driveway for 20 minutes-- overthinking.
when i finally worked up the courage to walk up & ring the doorbell..
it was a matter of seconds before the door whipped open. caleb stood there with bloodshot eyes. he was shirtless & was wearing grey sweatpants.
he grabbed me & pulled me in the biggest hug.
the strongest hug.
he whispered, "i missed you so much."
that's when i lost it.
i sobbed for hours right where i belonged.
in his arms.
he's so good to me. he watches out for me.. i wish i could be his only.
that didn't matter in that moment, though.
i didn't care.
i didn't care so much that i fell asleep next to him.
in the morning, i whispered that i loved him & i kissed him, but he didn't know. he was still sleeping.
i then went home & worked on school work.
cody kept texting & calling.
i felt bad, believe me.. everything was just a mess.
i was a mess.
i felt crazy, except for when i was with caleb.
i felt okay with caleb, i didn't feel crazy with caleb.
you always want what you can't have, though.

week four involved a lot of doctors appointments, more than usual.
my arm was healing faster than they thought.
i was doing somewhat stable. they offered me therapy but i declined. i went down that road before, it wasn't a great one.
i finished so many books and 3 tv shows already.
solitude is scary. i just want to be okay.

it is now week five and i'm coming to realize so much. i don't blame myself for loving caleb, i don't.
i love him so much.
he missed me-- which means he still cares.
maybe we could try to be friends, i can't help but feel that connection, though.
there's something still there.
i'm sitting in my car in my apartment's parking lot.
i decide to call caleb.
he picks up right away, "hi."
"hey.. can i come over?" i practically whisper.
"of course." he says.
i hang up the phone & start my car, driving to him.
i really missed him... why not visit?
when i get to the door, i don't even get to ring the doorbell, he's already pulling me inside.
he engulfs me in a hug. i never get sick of his hugs.
i feel safe, happy, loved & comfortable.
we go up to his room.
i need to talk to him.
i start crying, "listen... i missed you so much. i try to get you out of my mind, but you're everything to me, caleb. you chose her over me, and yeah that hurt, but i want you in my life. i know i'm confusing and annoying and i stress you out but i still love you, caleb. i love you so much it hurts and i miss you all the time, it's been rough but you are so good to me & i'm so completely head over heels for you, for everything about you. you make me so happy and i love you so much--" he cuts me off by putting his lips against mine.
he lays me down and wraps his arms around my waist, deepening the kiss.
i put my hands around the back of his neck, keeping him close. i don't want this feeling to end.
he slips his hands under my shirt.
then, i hear footsteps.
"caleb!?" janice shrieks.

oh fuck.

----
i'm laughing whoops

thank you for reading xo

- adrianna