unlovable

part 4

heartbeat faster than a damn race car, i run around the corner in the store and jump into his arms.
i feel him stand in shock for a moment, but when he quickly realizes it's me, he embraces me tightly.
"hey!" i giggled.
"hi, oh my gosh." he stammers, holding onto me.
after a bit of spinning around and holding onto each other so tight, we both pull away.
he wraps his arms around my waist & locks his hands. i look up into those sparkling eyes.
"are you surprised?"

daydreams are the worst.
it always feels so real, like he's really here.
"are you playing?" jordan asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.
i tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.
"yeah, sure. tell me how you play again?" i move myself closer to the group of girls.
bottles of vodka remain in the middle of us.
"basically, we're going to take shots for different subjects or questions.. it'll be fun. i can start to show you." jasmine explains, pouring the liquid into shot glasses.
"take a shot if you've kissed a girl." jasmine bounces her eyebrows.
i lean forward and grab a glass, knocking it back.
damn. it burns going down my throat. it definitely stings more than i remember.
leah perks up, "i'll go! take a shot if you've ever got in trouble with the cops."
i watch almost all of us pour more vodka into our glasses. jordan looks over to me & i know exactly why. i giggle at the thought of jordan & i jumping a community pool's fence before opening time. the police let us go easy because other people helped us jump the fence. it was hysterical.
i knock back the vodka, it burns but it's a bit more dull this time.
i feel as though the blood in my veins turns to the alcohol.. every part of me starts to feel fuzzy & numb. i get a little dizzy just from sitting down.
christina squeals, "my turn! take a shot if you miss your ex."
she looks directly at me while saying it & my body goes even more numb. i laugh nervously & reach for the bottle of vodka. only one other girl takes a shot with me.

this time, it doesn't burn at all.

------

"thanks guys!" i shout, walking out the door.
jordan stays with them. my brain is going fuzzy. i wobble down the front steps & go to my car.
i unlock my door & slide into the front seat.
after i start my car, i lean against the steering wheel & feel my head pound. everything hurts.
all of a sudden, i hear a knock on my window.
i look up. caleb is leaning against my car.
what the fuck?
i roll down my window, "what do you want?"
he bites on his lip. i watch as he tries to figure out what to say.
his eyes scan over my face & then he looks deeply into my eyes.
his eyes widen, "holy fuck, vanessa are you okay?"
"y-yeah, i'm fine. what do you need?" i slur a little.
"you are definitely not fine." he confirms.
"no shit, sherlock! it's not like you care, though! it was a stupid drinking game. how the fuck did you find me, anyways?" i rage.
"christina's snapchat story." he mumbles, placing his hand on the back of his neck.
i such, "okay listen, maybe it's the alcohol, but i'm obviously not in a very patient mood right now. are you getting in or not? i'm not sitting here with my car running any longer."
he scoffs, "you think you're driving? that's funny. turn your car off, grab your purse."
he walks to the back of my car and opens the trunk.
"what are you doing?" i shout to him, spinning around.
i watch as he reaches down, picking up the extra pair of clothes i always keep in my car.
he closes the trunk & walks next to my door.
"let's go." he orders.
i sigh and grab my purse. he opens my door for me and helps me get out.
he closes the door behind me & puts his arm around my waist.
we walk together to his car & even my drunken mind feels the way his fingers hook around the edge of my waist. the feeling of him.
i'm too numb & drunk to be stubborn and push him off of me right now.
wet leaves scatter the street. it's a rainy, autumn night. my favorite.
when we reach his car, he opens the passenger door for me. i smile & have to jump a bit to get into the seat, his car is raised.
when he closes my door, i close my eyes and rest my head on the door.
i hear him open his door & get inside. he's silent & remains still for a while, i can feel his eyes on me.
after a moment, he takes a deep breathe and starts the car. the fray transitions in softly. i try to hold back a smile but it's impossible. i'm the one who got him into the group & he fell in love with them, just like i had.
he pulls out of his parking spot & starts driving down the street. his house is about 15 minutes from jasmine's.
"ba- i mean, caleb?" i stammer. i almost called him babe like a fucking idiot.
"yeah?" he responds in the tone of voice he knows i absolutely adore.
it's deep, raspy.. it's crisp & i can't help the butterflies that form in my stomach when he talks like that. his voice is like liquid gold, it flows from him so smoothly, with so much depth. i love it.
"thank you." i whisper.
that's all i can get out of me as i feel myself drift asleep, fragments of his voice and the song "you found me" echoing in my brain.

-------
[caleb's pov]
i glance over at her sleeping soundly. she doesn't get too much sleep anymore, so it comforts me knowing she's getting some now.
i hum quietly along to "look after you" playing. i know she got me deeper into their music. she has showed me so much. taught me so much. i refuse to believe all of the kind things she has said about me. i know she's hurting because of what i did. i never wanted to hurt her but i would rather hurt her in that way instead of hurting her during our relationship. she's a handful & she can be a mess but she's a beautiful mess.
she deserves better than me.
i wish she would stop drinking all the time. i hope she'll be okay. i love her, i do. this whole thing is fucking scary.
it's hard to hide it, but i'm trying. i'm trying to be distant, trying to make her move on.
i pull into my driveway, the porch lights are off which means my parents aren't home. they must have stayed another night in vegas.
i turn the car off & look at her.
she looks so peaceful, her lips parted slightly. her breathing is slow & soft. i doubt the alcohol will let her wake up right now.
i grab her extra clothes & open my door slowly, careful not to make too much noise.
i quietly close my door & walk around to her side.
i click the handle as softly as possible and pull back the door slowly, keeping my right hand on the handle, and the other cautions the opening, ready to support her body.
i keep her up & place my hand on her shoulder, allowing me to open the door fully.
she only stirs a little.
i slowly pull her off the seat and she lands in my arms. i shut the door with my leg and walk to my porch, carrying her in my arms.
i somehow unlock the door without moving her too much & carry her inside.
astro jumps wildly when i open the front door.
"down, boy." i whisper, careful not to wake vanessa up. i use my leg to gently push him off of me, and shut the door with my back. i lock the door with my free hand & slide off my shoes.
i carry her upstairs to my room & lay her gently on my bed. she relaxes instantly & i hear her take a deep breathe.
i slide off her adidas superstars, and then her leggings. she's wearing the cutest lace underwear. focus, caleb. i slide her soft grey shorts up her legs.
her legs are smooth. shut up brain. seriously.
i slowly unzip her hoodie & pull it off of her.
her 5 seconds of summer tank top is revealed underneath. i hold back a laugh.
always supporting her favorite music.
i fold her old clothes & set them on the edge of the bed. i slide off my shirt & toss it to the floor.
when i walk to the edge of my bed, i hear her mumble, "caleb."
is she dreaming of me or is she awake?
i pull back the blankets & slide under them, as quiet as possible. i really don't want to wake her up. her hair flows across the pillow in a way that's similar to sleeping beauty.
the moonlight that shines through the window illuminates her face just enough for her eyelashes to cast a shadow on her upper cheeks.
her skin glows a pale blue-white.
i softy run my hand across her cheek, and then through her hair.
i watch as her lips form into a small smile. she leans into my touch.
she then pulls my arm against her chest & holds onto me tightly.

and i don't stop her.