unlovable

part 14

[caleb's pov]
it's been 3 days without vanessa.
she's alive, but she doesn't open her eyes, or move, or talk to me..
but when i visit her, i talk to her.
i hope she can hear me.
i've been listening to the fray a lot lately..
and shuffling her playlists on spotify.
i miss her. not a second goes by that i don't.
i continue to blame myself for this. she never deserved this.
i continue to ignore all of janice's texts and calls. i took back my spare keys from her, no more surprise visits.
the doctors say that vanessa has a chance, but it will take a miracle. she has had so much trauma from the accident, she's lucky to be alive.
my parents have been so kind to me during this whole process. they don't force me to go to school.
sometimes our visits go great, other times not so much. i always play music for her. her favorite music.
sometimes my brain makes me see her smile-- just a little bit.
i visit her all the time. i brought her roses (her favorite) so when she wakes up, she's greeted with one of her favorite scents.
vanessa's parents responded how i thought they would-- heartbroken & worried, but they have jobs and can't take time off right now.
i visit vanessa the most, i'm almost always by her side. whenever the doctors or the nurses need to run tests within the room, i stay. even if it involves my girl getting pricked with needles or having blood drawn, i endure it.
when they take her out of the room for an exam or a test, i wait.
they finally cleaned her up, too. her mom knows exactly how she likes her hair.
she's healed physically pretty well, other than her broken arm & fractured rib.
she still has a few bruises & cuts, but she still looks beautiful.
it's now 7PM, i'm on my way back to the hospital.
the sunset is a peach color with wispy clouds.. if vanessa was here she would be taking a picture of this right now.
i smile at the thought of her in my passenger seat.
when i arrive to the hospital, i go up to her room pretty much immediately.
ever since her parents checked in, they had me placed #1 on her visitor list.
they were angry about me sneaking in the first time, but they seemed to have let it slide.
when i come in the room, i see the doctor look up at me. he stands by her bed.
"hi, caleb. i have some good news." he gives me a soft smile.
my heart races, i rush to his side.
"you know how she had to be assisted with her breathing? she seems to have proved that she can breathe on her own again. that doesn't mean she's awake or anything-- she just has healed internally enough to breathe on her own. which is good." he pats my back.
i smile softly, "thank you."
the first words i ever said to him. his face lights up.
"you're welcome. take care, now." he leaves me to be alone with vanessa.
her eyelids remain closed, even though i wish they would just open.
i just want to talk to her, to apologize.
i want her to hear me, i know i fucked up. even if i love janice, vanessa didn't deserve that.
i pretty much pushed her away when she needed me. i messed up.
why does she love me? how could she love me? i'm nothing great, nothing special.
i'm not worth her time or her love.
i lightly run my hand up and down her arm. she always loved when i did this. she doesn't move.
i don't know if she can feel or hear me, but i want her to be comfortable.
i want her to come back to me.

----
another double post tonight because WHY NOT!

thanks for reading xo

- adrianna