apathy (sequel to fervor)

મ૦ | ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴀʀᴍs..

મ૦ | ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴀʀᴍs..

For a total of three months, I carried Martin's baby in my stomach. There was no debating, no discussion between us. I was going to have this abortion, and that's what I did. It's something I never want to go through again. I can still feel the cold metal, and the see the gown and the stirrups they used to open my legs. I shivered just thinking about it.

Since that month, I've felt..lifeless. I don't see anything on the bright side, anymore. I don't want to be touched, talked to..I mainly just stay in my room, and Amir sleeps with me almost every night. He's caught me crying once, so he tries his hardest to make me smile, and I do, because he's such a sweetheart. He's walking now, completely on his own, just like how Ramiro was. I find it adorable to, he just waddles around, and he's such a big boy. When he falls he doesn't cry for me, he gets right back up. I'm really proud of him. 

I can't help but think about what could have been. I wouldn't dare have raised a child in such a hostile home, but I couldn't help but feel bad. I could've had the baby, and gave it up for adoption. But that wasn't an option for Martin. I had someone kill the life that was growing inside of me..I have to admit, I wouldn't want to keep the baby, as I feel like every time I would look at him or her I would have bad memories, and I didn't want that. The baby could've went to a good home..

I heard the door to my room open slowly, and what sounded like uneven breathing. Sitting up, Amir was standing at the foot of the bed, a smile on his face. He was constantly smiling, no matter what. He would smile about anything, and everything. Amir started to climb on the bed, and I pulled him up the rest of the way. "Hey baby, you want to spend some time with Mommy?" I cooed at him, to which he nodded. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and I laid back, running my  hands over his tight cornrows. Jose had braided his hair, since I was so tired, like I have been lately. Having that abortion really took something out of me, but I knew one thing..

Martin wouldn't be getting anymore chances.

If he's so in "love" with me, why does he keep hurting me? I've given him too many chances, thinking that he'll change. First he's evil, then he's sweet and caring, then he's back to being a narcissistic asshole. He belongs in a mental institution. I have given up any hope that he'll be able to change. He's been trying to get me to talk to him, giving me flowers, and whatever he thinks will get me to like him again. I was being so nice to him, too, I had never done anything to him to deserve what he put me through. He had brought me flowers yesterday, and I threw them back in his face.  He seemed hurt, but I didn't care.

Amir's head rested on my chest, right over my heart. His little hand messed with my necklace, twisting the pendant between his fingers. I kissed his forehead, and he looked up at me, his eyes tired. "Go ahead and take a little nap, Mommy's still gonna be here," I smiled. Amir always had to take his naps with me. We simply have a special connection..he is my first child, and I love him to death. I kissed his cheek, and laid him down next to me, where I turned over. He curled up into me, always up under me and I couldn't help but giggle.

It seems like Amir's the only thing that can get me to smile nowadays. I haven't completely given up hope that I would be saved, but I have given up, somewhat. This was pure hell. I wouldn't wish upon anybody to get kidnapped. At least the first time, I fell in love, but here, everything is terrible. Except for Jose and Amir. Jose's a very sweet person, the polar opposite from his brother. 

I picked up the tv remote, surfing through the channels for something to watch. I settled on the Lifetime channel, where they were playing a movie, Kidnapped at 17. Oh the irony.. I couldn't help but snicker at how corny the movie was. Thy could've made it a little realistic, as it clearly shows they know nothing about being kidnapped. It's not that easy to find out who kidnapped who, unless you have connections, like Daddy. The girl was very naive, too. First she got in the car with a complete stranger, which is the dumbest thing someone could do. Her mother obviously didn't eac her about "stranger danger". 

Lifetime movies were always so dramatic, there was no way in hell that I would believe anything I saw on these movies. The actors are always terrible and they always repeat the same idea. Murder, kidnapping, pregnancy. Why not a movie where the girl's bestfriend is murderer and planning on murdering her next, and she was trying to solve the murder cases? I would watch that, for real. After watching a few more movies, it was dark. I had woken Amir earlier to eat something, and he was now asleep again, curled up into a little ball. 

The door started to open, and I looked up. Martin walked in, holding a gold shimmery, strapless dress, and a pair of nude heels. He tossed the dress at me, setting the heels on the floor.

"Get dressed. I got an associate who wants to see you." 

I looked at the dress, and then back at him. 

"I don't want to hear your smart ass mouth. I will wake up Amir and make him watch while I beat your ass. Don't try me tonight." 

His voice was threatening, and it sounded like he meant business. That sent shivers down my spine, and not in a good way. I didn't bother saying anything back. I simply got out of bed, headed towards the bathroom. I took a quick shower, and got dressed, hoping that the dress would stay up, and wouldn't slip down. Before I left, I put Amir in his room, and in his crib. "Mommy loves you," I whispered against his forehead. I checked myself in the mirror once more before meeting Martin at the bottom of the stairs. 

He escorted me outside and into a limo, where I slid into the seat. He got in on the other side, and snapped, the driver beginning to take us to our destinaion. We pulled up to that familar hotel, where some of the prostitutes were stepping out of their vehicles, with their "escorts", as well. I followed Martin inside, and I passed by some familiar faces. I had flashbacks of my first time here, and I had to hold back tears. We took the elevator up to the seventh floor, and Martin's hand slipped down my back, taking my butt into his hand. "My associate is in room 617, don't fuck this up, I won't hesitate to snap Amir's neck."

He slapped my butt, making me squeal. I exited out of the elevator, finding room 617. I knocked on the room, but I didn't recieve an answer. I tried knocking once more, but got nothing. I tried the handle, and the door was unlocked, so I turned it taking a deep breath. 

Maybe his asociate wasn't here yet?

I opened the door, entering into a spacious, fancy suite. There were rose petals on the floor, and I stepped further into the room, taking it all in. Everything was either gold or white, the nighstand and dresser a dark cherry wood tone. I placed my bag down, and hen froze in place. 

There was a shadow behind me.

I didn't bother moving as the person approached me, their hand holding my waist. Their hand was warm, and they were so close, that I could feel them breathing on my neck. They moved my hair aside, and applied soft, butterfly kisses to my neck. My skin tingled as the grazed my nec with their soft lips, and I whimpered. 

Their scent smelled familar..like spice. But I couldn't put my finger on where I had smelled that before..

"Eres todo lo que quiero, Monae."

That voice.

I knew that voice anywhere, there was no mistaking it. 

My heart raced, my body beginning to burn up.

"D-Dante?"