Astoria Must End

It's never getting any better than this

I couldn't believe what i have done. This is absolutely unimaginable. I didn't know what was going on in my head, i didn't know what i was thinking. All i knew was that i loved her and that i couldn't let her push herself away from me because i was a really big idiot. I was apologizing over and over again, and she seemed to have been 'in the moon' and no longer paying attention to me. "Alex?... are you listening to me?" i asked her, waving my hand in front of her face. She didn't react. It passed my head that either she was really concentrated on the road or she just really really didn't wanna talk to me and was purposely ignoring me. She didn't wanna speak to me, and she didn't. For the entire car ride, a good 99 percent of it was me begging her not to leave me, and not to be mad, and that i was a lonely idiot, wanting to get any sort of sexual attention can. The other 1 percent was agonizing quiet and awkward silence. I completely understood why she didn't wanna talk to me, i mean, i was a douche for doing that to her and i was a dick. I did practically cheat on her.

When we got back to her apartment, i got out and gave her a hug apologizing in a low whisper in her ear. She just pushed me away and walked into her bedroom. Alex was still in a sort of trans i can say, and it bothered me. I didn't know how to ask her what was wrong, i already knew that. "My asshole of a boyfriend, the most dick-ie man/boy in th universe, was nearly fucking his crazy ex." Sounds about right. But it really bothered me how she was acting. She wasn't mad, not angry, not sad. Her facial seemed confused. Don't know why. Alex looked like she was in deep thought with whatever the hell she was thinking of. I couldn't stop myself from thinking maybe she was stumped on what to eat for dinner, or how good in bed Robert De Niro was in bed before he got old. Same old Josh stupidities. But in reality, she was thinking something that looked life changing.

I walked in her bedroom and sat beside her. "Okay, i know i did some pretty dumb shit-" "dumb, childish, unintelligent, ignorant, dull-witted, idiotic, imbecilic and doltish." Alex added. This was good, she was talking to me now... great! I continued. "Yes, absolutely doltish. But if we can put that aside for a minute, what are you thinking of? What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?" i asked her, stroking her hair. She sighed, and annoyingly pushed my hand away from her along with moving away from me. "Honestly? I don't know why i care that you cheated on me. I mean, technically, we're not together. Were not 'a thing' were not in a relationship. You're not my boyfriend and i'm not your girlfriend, and quite frankly, i would never date you. I shouldn't care that you were with her, because you still love her, i know that. Im sure you do too."

What she just said broke my heart. More than all the insults she said, more than all the names she called me and definitely more than the shoulder punches i deserved. "You wouldn't date me?" i said, barely holding myself together. Ha ha, call me a girl for feeling these emotions, but i just went through this with Amanda and my little heart can take more rejection from someone i love so deeply. "No. i would never. We aren't even together and you tell me you love me to go sleep with someone else. I wouldn't ever date you, and i don't wanna be friends with that type of man either-" she told me, and i couldn't believe it. I cut her off. "Alex, y-you don't mean it... you told me for loved me..." i spat out. "Yeah, well... things change. I need you to leave." she told me. "Alex, please-" "now Josh. leave and don't call me or talk to me anymore." Her wish was my command. I stood up and grabbed my stuff, turning my head just enough to see her lightly crying. All i managed to whisper before leave for good was "I love you."