Dan's POV
I carried on again trying to get somewhere with the song but I couldn’t. Even through Kyle had tried to be reassuring, I couldn’t really believe him. I suppose that’s what you get for being pessimistic.
I heard someone come down the stairs again, I ignored them think that it would be Kyle trying to talk to me again. But I was surprised to see Amaya looking around the room when I looked up. I don't think that she had ever been here before.
"Everything alright" I asked, I was sort of wondering why she had come down here.
"Um, yeah it's good, Kyle" I rolled my eyes at the mention of his name; I knew instantly that he had been up to something. Amaya had caught me rolling my eyes and stopped mid sentence,
"sorry carry on" I replied, I was slightly annoyed at myself for being so rude, I mean Kyle may not have been up to anything at all and Amaya may have just wanted to speak to me about something.
"Were I, oh yeah, Kyle came to tell me you were nervous about telling me something and it’s about your bracelets". She said, she sounded slightly unsure of what she was saying.
"It's not about the bracelets it’s what's under them" this seemed to confuse her further.
"I don't understand" she replied.
"Go up to our room and I'll explain everything there" I said. She led the way up the stairs and up to our room. I saw Kyle as we walked passed his room; I gave him an evil glace as I walked past.
Amaya walked into our room and sat on the bed. I was dreading what I was going to have to say next. I was scared that she would turn around and leave.
"Um, well, I don't know where to begin". I began
"The beginning is always a good start" she said with a smile on her face, she clearly did not know what I was about to tell her.
Tears were already streaming down my face "Um I guess well, it happened when I was 20 and well everything had gotten really bad, I mean like seriously bad, I didn't have anything. Me, Kyle, Will and Woody had started living together and we were in this small little flat together. But I was hating life, my sister, Sarah, had just died, and well she was basically my life, she had brought me up basically herself because my mum and dad were constantly busy at work. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without her and the pressure of pretending to live this life that I wasn't living, the music path wasn’t really getting anywhere, I was angry at the world, angry at life, I was hating everything. There was this pain in my chest that I couldn’t get rid of I tried basically everything, drugs, drink, running away, everything. But, but I knew that I couldn't go on without her and this pressure, if she was there she would have sorted it all out but she wasn’t and I knew that it was only going to get worse, she had supported me more than anything, she was more of a mum to me that my mother was. But the pain I felt just wouldn’t go away, I was spiralling out of control. Then I went to visit her grave one day and the idea struck me that maybe I could join her, I knew it wouldn’t be difficult, there was no one I cared about that I would leave behind and I had nothing anyway so it really didn’t matter. It seemed like such a good idea. I had planned how I was going to do it. I was going to go home and grab a knife then come back to the graveyard to cut open my wrists and let my life flow out so that I could join her. I practically ran home from the cemetery and straight to the flat. I ran in grabbed a knife and ran back to the cemetery, luckily there was no one in the flat. I was there standing by her grave, I had cut one wrist, the blood was flowing like a river out of me, I was about to do the other when Will stopped me. He was driving home from work past the cemetery when he saw me running in there with a knife. He stopped and well I guess wanted to see what I was up to. After cutting the first wrist I had become light headed and swaying. Will called an ambulance. I don't remember it arriving or going to the hospital because I had blacked out from blood loss. But I hated myself even more after it had happened. I felt like even more of a failure because I couldn't even kill myself properly. I tried it again in the hospital by trying to slit my wrists again with the needles that the put in me to give me fluids. But once again I was stopped, this time by Kyle and Woody who had come in to see how I was getting on. After this, I used to sit up in my bed all day and night really analysing what was going on with my life and where it was going. I did start to wonder whether I was meant to live, like there was possibly something better in life. One day Kyle brought me my laptop and it just sat at the end of the bed for days, I was scared to open it, like if I opened it, everything was going to get worse somehow. But I decided I had to find out whether it would or not. And it didn’t. I began to start getting back into the music again. After I was released from hospital, it was all I really concentrated on. The guys were really great and supportive; most people just left me alone after that because they thought I was weird. Kyle, Woody and Will tried to get me involved again in life, we went out partying, home hunting, gigging more, and just spending a bit more time together. It really helped me get back on my feet and to where I was before Sarah died. I know they worry about me, as in if anything bad ever happens then, well I may try to kill myself again, but I know I won't it was a stupid idea and wouldn’t have made anything better, I now know that things can get better. That why when I was in the hospital with you they thought I had done something like that again, and when I said I was going to the cemetery with you they were concerned because I hadn’t been in a hospital or cemetery since the incidence, they just didn’t want history to repeat itself, which I understand. And I totally get it if after this you want to leave me now because I won't be offended, other people left, and I know that this may be all too much for you, so whatever you decide I won't judge you".
Tears had been streaming down my face throughout the whole of this but despite this I could still see Amaya's green eyes staring into mine. I knew that she was going to leave me now but she had to know the person I was before to understand the person I am know. It’s why I’m really into music; it sort of saved my life. And that's why there are bracelets on my wrist, to cover the scars and hide my past, not only from myself but everyone else.
I could feel the bed begin to move. This is it Dan, this is her leaving. I sat there waiting to hear the door open.
(Working on the next chapter now, will try to get it up soon :) )
