That's Why I Love You

Chapter 15

Lexa

My heart was warm. My whole body was warm. I didn't think I would ever lose this feeling with Clarke, and I hoped I never did. Now that I had it, I wasn't going to let it go.

I looked beside me at her soft, sleeping face. We hadn't done anything beside talked, and I remained in my full armor. She talked about her worries of what her people would do now. They had a lot to recover, that was for sure. And the issue of Alie still remained, and Clarke had no idea how to solve it. I wish I could help, but this seemed like a Sky People thing, with their technology. There didn't seem that there was much I could do.

A strand of blonde hair fell into her face, and I tucked it behind her ear, careful not to wake her. She looked like she did before Mount Weather when she slept. She seemed like she had a little less troubling her thoughts.

I tore my eyes away from her. I shouldn't be affectionate with her like this. When she was conscious, her thoughts were troubled because of me. I ruined her. She killed people, and I made her do that.

Occasionally I thought about what would've happened if I hadn't betrayed Clarke. I believed we could've easily won. Clarke would retain some of her innocence, hundreds of people could've survived, and I wouldn't feel so guilty. And maybe Clarke and I could've been together three months earlier.

"No..." Clarke whispered from beside me. I glanced down at her. She looked troubled, but I wasn't going to wake her yet. "No...Lexa."

My ears perked. She was dreaming about me? But the way Clarke said my name, it seemed more like a nightmare.

"Don't hurt her." Clarke mumbled. I wasn't sure if I should wake her now. I wanted her to know that I was here and safe, but maybe she would've been mad at me for disturbing her sleep. "I'll do anything."

It was nice to know that Clarke was so concerned about me, but I couldn't hear this anymore. I placed my hand on her cheek and rubbed my thumb across it, trying to wake her gently. Her eyes widened and she glanced around.

"Lexa?" She asked, a relieved smile coming to her face.

"I'm right here." I murmured, taking her hand. She sighed and closed her eyes, as if a weight had just been taken off her shoulders.

To my surprise, she sank into me, wrapping her arms around my middle and laying her head above my breast. After the initial shock, I placed my arm around her, pulling her closer. I rested my hand on her arm and stroked it with my fingers, trying to soothe her.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I said quietly.

I felt her shake her head against me. "No."

After a moment she spoke. "I couldn't save you."

"When?"

"When you were shot by Titus." She murmured. "I watched you die."

I didn't want to think about what would happen to her if I died, emotionally and physically. I knew what would happen to me if she died.

"And the Nightbloods were killed, too. I--I think Ontari killed them. She was going to kill us all, Lexa." Clarke sobbed quietly.

I reached down and smoothed her hair, trying to comfort her.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. I didn't die, and none of that happened. Because you did save me." I said.

She looked up at me and smiled. I turned my head and kissed the top of hers, lingering for a moment. I wanted to remember how she felt, if her dream did come true. I couldn't tell her that my death wouldn't happen until I was elderly. I couldn't even tell her that I would make it through the week. I would never really know when my time would come. But I hoped it was after I had all the time with Clarke I needed. Although forever wouldn't be enough.

"I left Titus in prison. His death was meant to be the morning I left to come to Arkadia." I said.

"You're killing him?" Clarke asked, sitting up. She looked distressed.

I nodded. "Yes. He tried to kill an Ambassador and the Commander. He tried to kill you."

Her eyes softened. She knew what I meant.

"He didn't try to kill you. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

I hurried to stand. How could she not understand why Titus needed to die? Didn't she understand how much she meant to me?

"He was still in the tower with a gun, Clarke. He was in the room next to mine with a gun. Again, he tried to kill you. It doesn't matter whether you're an Ambassador or not. Titus is dead in my eyes." I yelled.

Clarke stared at me with loving eyes.

"What?" I growled.

She smiled. "You can't kill everyone who tries to hurt me, even when I'm just Clarke."

I paused. "Yes I can."

"No. I'm sure you'd like to try, but people will catch on. You can't be biased like that, and you already are with Arkadia."

I shook my head and paced the room. I could still kill Titus. He shot me. That was easily punishable. But Clarke was right, although I wish she wasn't. The next time someone tried to harm Clarke, but did not succeed, I couldn't do anything about it. There were limits, even with me.

"I love that you want to protect me. I want to do the same with you, even though I know that you need protection a lot less than I do." I smiled at that. "But you can't let this affect your responsibilities."

I scowled. I couldn't have anything without needing to evaluate how it would affect me as Commander first. I hated it. I could never have anything to myself, but I've long since accepted that.

"Titus did shoot you. So I think that whatever you want to do with him is justified." Clarke said. She still seemed as if she was withholding part of her opinion.

Whatever I want to do with him.

"But...?" I asked.

Clarke sighed. "But I think you should spare him. You didn't think I should kill Emerson, and looking back I know that you were right. And also remember that he's the Flamekeeper. He's not disposable."

I stared at her, remembering when Roan delivered Emerson to Polis. She wanted to kill him and tried to convince me that blood must not have blood didn't apply. I disagreed. I knew Clarke. I knew that killing him wouldn't bring her justice or peace. It would only strengthen the guilt that was buried deep within her.

"I don't know Clarke." I sighed, defeated. I plopped back down on the bed. "I don't know if I can forgive him."

"You don't have to." She said. I leaned my head on her shoulder, and she pressed her cheek against my head. "Just think about why he did it."

"And by it, do you mean tried to kill you?" I muttered.

"Yes." Clarke said firmly and laughed. I smiled. I loved her laugh.

I closed my eyes and pressed my face deeper into her neck, trying to get closer.

"I know you'll do what's best for you." She murmured. "Even if it does mean killing him. And that's okay. I'll still feel the same about you."

I smiled and tangled my fingers through hers. "I'll do what's best for us."

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A/N: It was super sad to write the beginning of this chapter. Sometimes I still can't believe that it happened. With how strong and amazing Lexa was, she was the last person I expected to die.

Some chapters are a little slow, but they're essential to the plot and to Clexa so stick with me.  Thank you guys for reading.