That's Why I Love You

Chapter 41

Clarke

I watched as Lexa's body jostled with Astraeus's movements. Her hips swung as the horse's did, and her legs gripped onto the horse's body. My mouth watered at the sight of her on Astraeus. I briefly questioned my sanity when I was partially turned on by a horse, but I shook it off when her hair blew back in the wind, making her look breathtakingly ethereal.

"Clarke." She called. My eyes guiltily moved up to hers. She knew what I was thinking. "My eyes are up here." She said, mocking my earlier statement when we were in our gowns.

"Mockery is not the product of a strong mind." I retorted. She seemed to recognize the statement from when we were trapped by the Pauna, because her eyes touched the sky as she rolled them. I smiled. I would use her words against her anytime I could, and she would secretly love it.

I looked behind me to check on the rest of our party. Raven, Octavia and Lincoln were riding happily. Raven was talking about that one time she had sex with Bellamy, and Octavia was covering her ears and yelling to block her out. Her eyes closed when Raven started making faces resembling those she made while doing Octavia's brother. Lincoln was just cracking up and obviously didn't intend to intervene on Octavia behalf.

Lexa looked back as I did, wondering what all the fuss was about. She glanced to me but kept her body turned toward them. "That does not bother you?"

I shook my head. "No. Why would it?"

Lexa hesitated. I realized what she meant and was eager to explain. Somehow, she still couldn't understand that Bellamy was my friend and only that. Ever had a romantic or sexual thought of him passed my mind. In fact, it repulsed me to think about him like that. "Bellamy has never meant anything like that to me. He's my friend. Or was."

She nodded and she looked mildly more convinced. "Okay."

I looked past O and Raven and to the Nightbloods. They seemed ecstatic to be traveling somewhere else, but also a little overwhelmed. Their exhaustion hadn't set in yet and they hadn't been worn down by their excitement. They had never done this before, or at least not since they had been brought to Polis. Even Aden and Easley had smiles on their faces, which was a rare sight for them lately.

"They all came to ask me what they should bring last night." Lexa said, noticing that I was watching them. "This is exciting for them. They've never really seen the land and people they will one day command. It benefits me as it does them."

"Don't talk about them commanding." I said, the overwhelming anxiety of her dying coming on much too quickly. It came out a lot harsher than I intended and Lexa looked over at me with concerned eyes. Her eyes softened when she realized what I meant. "When they command...it means you're not going to be here." I murmured, turning my eyes away.

"Clarke." My eyes remained glued to the back of the horse's neck. "Clarke, look at me."

I did as she asked. She stared at me intently, as if I was the only person in the world.

"I know it pains you to talk about such things, but it will happen one day. I hope to be the longest living commander, ever." She said with a smile. "But the truth is that even if I do, that is likely to only be thirty, maybe forty winters. We won't grow old together, and watch our children and grandchildren run around us." She stopped. Somehow, in that super depressing paragraph, the only thing I could focus on was the last part.

"Children?" I asked.

She swallowed and smiled. "Someday, I would've like to have them. If I wasn't the Commander, I would want to. With you."

Of course, we couldn't technically have children together, but I didn't need the child to be biologically mine to be mine. If they were part Lexa, I would more than happy with that. The world needed more of her. I smiled wider than I think I ever had. "Really?"