Love Only Happens Once

Chapter 15

Haley

After speaking with Sash I went into my room and fell face first towards the bed. All I wanted to do was take my pillow and scream into it. I couldn't do that though because it wouldn't solve anything. I know leaving the way I did was wrong especially not texting him afterwards. I know all the things you're thinking right now. She's a coward, she loves drama and she is only making her life more complicated. I understand, I feel the same way about myself right now too. Why can't I just let him in and take our relationship to another level? Why can't I appreciate a good thing when it's given to me? The answer is I don't know. Or... maybe I do know and just haven't been able to understand the answer yet. I know this isn't a one night fixer upper but I have to start somewhere. I know Jeremy is the person worth starting over with. Now only if I can be woman enough to tell him, tell him everything about me. All my fears, wishes, dreams (there is a difference), and hopes. Maybe...maybe we could be on our way to something great. Maybe we can help fix each other. Maybe this could be a relationship finally worth screaming at the mountaintops as the best thing that has ever happened to me. Maybe.

With all of these questions running through my head I decided to get up and take a nice-hot steaming shower. I just need to get my head in order and truly figure out what I want. I need to make a decision and I need to make it fast because I don't want to lose this potential blessing in front of me. With the hot water cascading down my hair and back, I reevaluated my life. I thought about a quote that many of my teachers have said which is, The biggest obstacle you will ever face in life is yourself. The statement holds true for me dearly. I have never taken risks and allowed myself to have a little fun on the wild side. If i did it was usually very much in private where no one but me and my friends knew AND I mean friends friends!!! I have never strayed from the "list" and don't get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, certain categories of your life require risks. For example, relationships could be a category. Sometimes I have to allow myself to be open to others so i have more options. For once in my life I need to be a go-getter and take control of my life. It was time for me to take what's mine, woman up, and tell Jeremy how I truly felt.

I began to practice what I wanted to say to Jeremy using my pillow for his stand-in. Even though I knew it was a pillow I was still nervous about what i was going to say. I probably stuttered more talking more to the pillow than Jeremy himself. Crazy! I know. Its been a few hours since the incident this morning and I can't hold off on this any longer if i don't want to chicken out. I pick up my phone ready to text Jeremy.

One problem, I so did not think about what to write in the text! I mean this has to be perfect or it could give the wrong message. Like I cant just send a text just asking to talk. Can I? Idk. I. Don't. Know. Ugh! Why does everything have to be so complicated! You know what? Im just going to send the text.

Haley: Hey Jeremy...I wanted to know if we could talk.

Okay, I did it. Now I just have to wait. I should probably watch TV or something. I mean what do I normally do during this time. Ugh. If only Sasha was here at least she could distract me with her talking. *Ping*

Jeremy: I can't talk right now. I'm on a date. 

Wait wait wait I was so not expecting this right now. I mean I know I walked out but I didn't think he would move on this fast. Usually people wait a week before they decide to move on. Some respect...something. 

Haley: Oh! ok...I guess...

I sat for a couple of minutes really wondering if I worked up the courage to text him only to give up so easily. No I don't think I will! I'm going to call him personally. It may have taken me five minutes to build up the courage but I dialed his number. 

*ring* *ring* 

It rings for about 30 seconds before its answered. 

"Hello" a girls voice answers. 

"Um, who is this?" I reply.

"It's Madeline I'm Jeremy's date" she replies with confidence. I don't like it and I really want to take her down a peg or two.  Whether I have the right to or not is not something that I'm really thinking about. 

"Oh! HI!! Madison its so nice to meet you! I have heard a lot about you. First, I would like to thank you for messing up so I can have Jeremy. You know we just became official yesterday and he told me all about how you were trying to make amends. I applaud you for trying to get better in life. It's a really important accolade...but anyways I guess I'll just call Jeremy later...it was nice speaking to you! Ciao!" I don't think I have ever done anything as petty as this in my entire life. It's an adrenaline rush but I couldn't just let her win like that. I have never even heard of a Madison but I wouldn't let her think I knew good things about her. I just couldn't. I don't know why but I just couldn't... something inside of me said don't lose this fight!. I can only imagine what's going to happen to my mental state of mind after my adrenaline rush wears off. Someone save me please. I really need something to distract me and keep me from having a total meltdown. Right now I seriously need a big bowl of cookie dough (and I mean real cookie dough ice cream not that vanilla and chocolate chip crap), an empty mind, episodes of shameless, and my makeup kit (you do not have to be girly girl to like makeup..Im just saying!!!!). I pick up the mint green eye-shadow because I'm feeling mint greeny today. 

I decided to struggle and learn a new style today. It was a mint green and black gradient look with sparkles mixed in. After taking five hours to practice the look and cool my anxiety I looked for outfit in my closet that I knew would match great with it. I had a lot of time to think while doing my makeup. I decided that I was probably going to do one of the craziest things I have ever done in my life. 

So I called Sash, my best friend and my go to locator for when I need anyone. I know for fact that she has every moment of Jeremy's day figured out and I'm going to need her stalker-ish knowledge to accomplish what I want. Tonight, I will finally fight for what I want and not worry about a million other things. I deserve to be happy and happy is what i will be.