The Outcast

Chapter 21. The Plan

Even in sleep, I could feel everything. While my eyes were closed and my body was still, there was no rest. I wanted to scream and awaken, but the mistletoe had paralyzed me.

I could feel Tray near me everyday, like he was sitting right next to me. I could also feel all of his guilt. Sometimes I tried to talk to him through our mind link but I could only get a few words in.

Even in sleep, I was in pain. My heart ached for my loss, and my bones felt as if they were being crushed between someone's fingers. I longed to be in my fox form, but I was stuck in this body. I felt more like a prisoner the longer I slept there. I couldn't dream or escape.

I felt like a child, put in a corner to think about what they've done.

I felt a rage burning deep in my heart, but I shoved it away, because I was more afraid than I was angry.

I was afraid of what I would do to someone without realizing what I'm doing. I was afraid of hurting anyone that didn't deserve it, or even if they did. I was afraid of what my pack might think of me once they saw me rip someone's throat out while they beg me not to hurt them.

Would they elect another leader? Would I be shamed from another group? Would they tease me and tell me that I was a freak? Would Cheyenne still be there?

I could never ask her to leave the pack and wander with me again. Now that she has Alice, she has to stay somewhere safe and sheltered. The last thing I wanted was for Alice to have the same fate as ours. Although I met some great people, it was a long time before I felt any happiness, and I knew the same went for Cheyenne and Cody.

We struggled to survive and lived with a lifetime of depression and insecurities. I disguised mine with confidence, but I was just as insecure as the others. I felt unwanted, and almost like I had to purpose. I was just a fire to keep Cheyenne and Cody warm and I dug holes big enough where we could all squeeze in. I felt useless.

Someone please wake me up. I was panicking now from being alone with these thoughts. I didn't want to remember those days anymore. I didn't want to remember Cody.

"Tray, please wake me up! I can't take this anymore!" I tried to communicate but I thought he didn't hear me.

I felt this dark presence around me and between our mind link. As if there was something keeping us from hearing each other. I felt Tray's presence near me, but I couldn't hear him.

"Did you say something?" I heard Tray from what seemed like miles away, but I knew he was right there.

"Please help me Tray!" I tried to scream but it came out as a whisper.

There was no response. It made me so angry that he couldn't hear me. Maybe it was me. Maybe there was something about me that was blocking Tray from hearing me.

"It's been a while don't you think?" I heard Tray say to someone bitterly, but still gently. There was no response from anyone else.

"It's been days Lily. She needs to wake up." He tried but again, there was no response. "Why won't you talk to me?" Tray said with defeat and sadness in his voice. It sounded like he had been awake for days, but I knew he slept. I could hear his soft snores next to me.

"She'll be awake soon." Lily's voice responded shortly. She sounded depressed, as if unshed tears were haunting her eyes. Stuttering footsteps filled my ears next, and then Tray requesting them to stop.

"Lily....stop. Will you wait a second and let me explain-" His sentence was cut by the sharp sound of the front door slamming shut. Something, to which I assume was Tray's fist, hit the wall closest to the door.