Decipher | Watty's 2017

LVIII. Kakorrhaphiophobia

Kakorrhaphiophobia

/ˌkak-ə-ˌraf-ē-ə-ˈfō-bē-ə/

verb

fear of being a failure

Luke's POV

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It was three in the morning when my body woke with a start, the memories of the previous night still running through my mind as I stared down at the beautiful angel still sleeping beside me. The thought still amazed me of how she could still be here when I had hurt her so much. My heart felt as though it were being torn out of my body as I kept my gaze transfixed upon her face, unwilling to be parted with her for even one more minute of my life.

With my body going against my mind's wishes, I rose from the bed and went over to the file which held my name on it. Nothing inside of me wanted to know the answers to all of the questions that constantly ran through my mind, but I also didn't want the answers to scar me more than I already was. Before I had Melissa, I would have opened them immediately, but that was not the case now.

Now that I had a person that I loved in my life, I could not retreat into myself as I would have under usual circumstances. I could not blame myself anymore since I had the beautiful girl lying under the covers depending on me to hold her together in the same way she held me.

Sighing from the pressure resonating around me, I leaned against the table in the corner of our room, directly across from the light of my life. Why would I even want to know the depths of depravity behind my sister's death when I had the sleeping angel that would do anything to heal my scars right in front of me? The question was left unanswered as I stared down at the manila folder once again, thinking of Melissa's face when I had entered the room.

The contents of her file had visibly torn her apart inside; however, she seemed to grow a few inches due to that and roll her shoulders back as she went on in life with a tough attitude. It blew my mind how she could contain her emotions within herself without imploding. My mind kept screaming at me that it was just a matter of time until she would let her feelings take over and push me away, but I refused to believe that.

The question still loomed in my mind as I stared at the file and then back at Melissa, swapping my point of view back and forth. On one hand, I told myself that this would determine if I was guilty or not and ultimately lighten the weight on my shoulders; on the other, if I was to feel more guilty, then I would be even less of the person that Melissa needed. My shoulders slumped forward as I thought of all the possibilities that could happen to us if I opened the folder. Was it worth it?

My selfishness took ahold of me as I turned swiftly, sitting at the desk as I found the reports and skimmed through them fairly quickly, noting their contents so I could look through them later. Finally my eyes found the page containing the mission orders for the soldiers in charge of mine and Cynthia's demise. Seeing her name next to mine on the paper made my throat close up as I traced the letters with my fingers, trying to remember her messy handwriting. Slowly, I found solace from within myself and read the contents of the page with a harsh look covering my face, trying to contain my emotions.

The extermination of Luke Hemmings and Cynthia Rose Hemmings is vital due to their high intelligence tests and lack of twins in the system. Due to their parents not being within the system, the siblings have been raised to oppose the sovereign government and must be trapped to prevent the spread of the poisoning epidemic.

My eyes were rimmed with tears as I read through their plans that I remembered failing. Plans of hijacking a flight that we were to board but didn't due to our uncle telling us that it was unsafe still were radiating inside of my mind. Memories that tainted the idea of law enforcement or a system of government still were imprinted in my mind.