Decipher | Watty's 2017

LXXXII. Consternation

Consternation

/ˌkänstərˈnāSH(ə)n/

noun

feelings of anxiety or dismay, typically about something unexpected

When I was walking through the hallways, stepping through the rubble carefully to avoid being caught and drug back by anything, I came to the realization that this was probably a bad idea. Even worse, I realized that Melissa would probably figure out that I wasn't in the bunker. Despite my constant nagging at her to protect herself, I never seemed to listen to my own advice and protect myself from the perils of the world we lived in; however, I wasn't as new to the concept of raids as she was.

I knew that the air raid would probably take some time and then their was always the chance of being blocked in, which required the men to move collapsed boulders while everyone else sat silently and waited. Sighing inwardly, I continued to search for a spot which would conceal me from the rubble falling. Although I knew it was better to be in the bunker, I also knew that they wouldn't open the doors during the raid due to the safety precautions.

My mind wandered to what Melissa was doing as I sat in one of the staircases, in between levels to avoid all of the debris washing by as the bombs exploded and the walls shook. She was probably holding Riley, trying to get the little girl to sleep despite the loud noises. Her gentle voice was able to soothe anyone just because of its serenity. I knew that one day she would be a great mother, but I tended not to dwell on the thought due to the overbearing weight of the loss of our unborn child still racking through me.

Silently, I closed my eyes and found myself imagining our child with blonde hair and Melissa's dark blue eyes that had just recently evolved from their previous gray appearance, which had set in after her abduction. A tear rolled down my cheek as I saw that child playing in the fields near the colony and imagining what life would have been like if Michael would have been there to see how amazing of a mother Melissa would be. The girl I pictured held some of the same features of Cynthia but still was a stunning image of her mother as she played with a boy that appeared to be a perfect combination of Melissa and I.

Nothing broke me more than the sight of the things we couldn't have, but I knew that I could never mention any of these dreams to Melissa. She had been through enough, but all the while, I was  standing beside, hiding my feelings within a cardboard box to avoid her getting mangled because she felt that she was inadequate. Her inability to have children never bothered me per say, sure I had dreamed about our children and I was disappointed when they would not become a reality, but there were other options.

The notion that I could just move on and find another person to build a family with was preposterous as I thought how the only way I wanted to build a family was with Melissa, the love of my life. As I sat in the corner of the stairwell thinking of these things, I began to notice the sound of the bombs becoming louder, growing closer to me. I ignored it at first, not finding any real merit in the thought of the bombs coming nearer to me, but when I finally began to take notice it was too late.

A large burst of sound made my ears pop, causing only static to fill the noiseless space. I stumbled slightly, the feel of a gash on my face keeping me awake as I attempted to touch it and check how deep it was. The walls shook, causing me to lose footing and slam against the wall while slumping down. My brain didn't comprehend the capacity of the situation until the image around me began to get foggy and all the color faded into black.

Multiple times I tried to open my eyes again, and much to my avail, I did a few times, only to be met with darkness a few moments later. The weight of cement of my body made it hard for me to breathe as I attempted to move to a more comfortable position. I never trained for this position, which I found ironic as I rolled my eyes at the thought of my extensive training not covering one of the most avoidable problems. Darkness took over my vision one last time, but this time I welcomed it due to my exhaustion from trying to save myself.