Decipher | Watty's 2017

LXIX. Cacoethes

Cacoethes

/ˌkakəˈwēT͟Hēz/

verb

irresistable urge to do something inadvisable

A large exhale of breath released from my lungs as I watched Luke's frame exit the van on his own; however, a part of my body died as I looked down, noticing his fingers inside his best friend's chest as they moved the gurney rapidly towards the infirmary as they had done to Luke and myself numerous of times. The world seemed to stop as I looked down at Calum's usually tan face turning an unnatural color of pale.

Arms encompassed my shaking body as I heard familiar calming noises from the only person that was accustomed to my mental breakdowns by this point. Michael held my body fully as my legs gave out, struggling to reach for Luke as he moved away from myself and the rest of the solemn crowd. The silence was overwhelming as I felt a sob rip through my throat, catching Luke's attention as he turned to look at me for a split second, ensuring my safety before continuing on the path to the surgical center to save Calum.

"It's okay," Michael whispered, playing with my hair as Luke would normally do when I was attempting to make sense of the scene unraveling before me. Ashton's reunion with Riley didn't even register in my mind as I stared at the flapping white doors of the surgical center, wondering if this was the feeling Michael had when I was rolled into the operating room after those six months of torture.

I attempted to calm myself several times before finally regaining my balance, being approached by Luke's father as soon as I was up on my feet. His head simply slanted towards the meeting room, eyes narrowing at me as he noticed the tear stains on my cheeks.

I trudged towards that memory filled room, shaking slightly when I entered due to the ever present memories of Calum coming to my defense or being struck with a mind blowing idea. More importantly, my memory traveled to the last time we had met in this room and the immense amount of things which had changed from then until that point.

The tragedies I had endured the past year were extensive, not meeting my expectations of living freely within the colony. Before I had thought that if only I could have freedom, I would be happy. Then it changed to Luke, if I could have him, then I would be happy. Finally, I had come to the assumption that if no one important to me would get injured, killed, or captured, everything would be okay.

But when I came to that realization I was reminded of the blood on the concrete of the hangar, the blood that covered Luke's hands, the pain stricken mask covering Michael's face as he sat beside me in the meeting room, and the stressed ridden shoulders of Ashton who had only been wanting to return to his young sister. As I observed the adverse affects of this raid, anger swelled within my being, causing me to stand when Bob entered the meeting room. Much to his dismay, I made my way towards him, finger jaggedly pointing into his chest as I attempted to contain myself as much as possible.

"You couldn't have let another group go?" I seethed in his face, allowing my body to stand eerily close to him as my eyes found solace in the fear of his. Power filled my veins as he looked down at me with a look begging for mercy from me, despite my obvious disadvantage.

"I'm so sorry," he managed out as he held one of his hands up. My ego soared as I stared into his eyes, keeping my arm against his throat as I held him against the wall.

"Luke could've died," I spat into his face, not taking notice of his other arm as it reached down to his gun holster. "Calum could be dying right now!" I screamed unable to control my anger as I tightened my hold on his neck, causing his actions to cease due to his lack of oxygen.