Decipher | Watty's 2017

XCII. Mollitious

Mollitious

/mɒˈlɪʃəs/

adjective

self-indulgent  

35 minutes earlier

Janice's POV

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I released another deep breath, knowing that if the White Coats hadn't already, they would hear the conversation with Melissa sooner rather than later, which made it imperative for me to cut the bond between myself and them. The remembrance of Melissa's face before me was my only incentive as I thought of what would come out of this. Even though I knew this was for the good of the entire colony, I couldn't bring myself to accept the thought of this being the only way to end things.

Although I recognized that look of doubt on Melissa's face when I told her of the White Coats' plans, I knew that she would catch on after I was found lying on the ground. Melissa had always been one to overthink things, but that was her advantage against of her adversaries: she could think. While the concept of the Brain and Bot program was majorly downplayed among the civilians, it was obvious to those of us trying to prevent it from spreading to other countries.

The more I had to research into the cause, the more I realized just how large of a problem this was becoming. Immense amounts of donations and inquiries about the White Coats' future plans had been coming in from what I could tell through the information being fed into my microchip. Even though I had no idea if the information was true, if it was, we were about to be hit with a major problem that even Melissa may not be able to fix.

Beyond those concerns of the White Coats being able to test the microchip fully on me and receive all of their conclusive data, I was worried about the colony's security. As I thought of the colony, only one person appeared in front of me. The young looking Calum appeared before me every time I closed my eyes, pleading with me to reconsider. I knew that it was only my terrified brain trying to convince me to allow my life to naturally expire; however, when I thought of the consequences for my selfishness, I couldn't bear the thought of being alive to take in the consequences.

With another sigh, I went over to my table in the corner of the room, only paper, a pen, pills, and a knife lying on the table. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I tried to hold them back. Never in my life had I been suicidal, even when I was within those torture chambers and beaten to a pulp. The thought of taking my life was never present to me, but being trained as a Raider spy, I constantly reminded myself that the safety of the people was greater than mine, which led to this moment.

I stared at the blue pills lying in the cup I had been hiding within my room since I had arrived, filled with about ninety sleeping pills, one for each day I had been here. The amount present was more than enough to cause me to stop breathing; however, I felt the need to have a knife for extra measure. My hands raised to wipe the stray tears away, yelling at myself internally to suck it up and accept the drastic measures that needed to be taken.

My eyes flitted over to the envelopes lying on the table, then to the paper and pen as I debated writing letters to the very few people I cared about. An audible sigh left my mouth as I sat down and began to write a lone letter, the thoughts and feelings filling the page rapidly.

When I finished, I folded it neatly, taking my time since I was in no hurry to end my life. Once I had sealed the envelope, I flipped it over quickly, finding a sense of urgency in placing the person's name upon the tear stained envelope. My nose began to run, but I quickly wiped it away and dismissed it, hurriedly scribbling a name upon the envelope before laying it flat on the desk in hopes that it would be looked at when I wasn't around to ensure its reception.