Decipher | Watty's 2017

XCVII. Paroxysm

Paroxysm

/ˈperəkˌsizəm/

noun

a sudden expression of a particular feeling or emotion

My heart hammered in my chest as the playful discussion between us became heated into a full blown intimacy battle through words. Luke and I were connected in any way possible as I clung onto him by means of wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer to me. Nothing really seemed to do the feeling justice as I took in the aura surrounding us.

I still felt as though I were dreaming as my back hit the mattress and Luke's body made its way in between my thighs. A gentle sigh left my lips as I absorbed this loving feeling encompassing us. Sure we had our share of doubts and heartbreaks, but that was not a place that we could stand for the rest our lives. Both of us had made our mistakes, but we had also had our share of remorse, which led to our reunion.

And now, here we were, entranced in one another's embrace after Luke had made the most amazing speech of love to me. I still found it hard to steady my breath as I stared into his eyes, feeling his loving gaze surround me as I remembered the familiar words falling from his lips with no caution at all.

"Nothing, I just-" his voice cut out. My eyes narrowed at him as I observed his standoffish behavior. Something within myself told me that this would all be fine and that he was just having a moment of grief after Janice's death; however, I found his lack of words to be damning while I stared at him with a hopeful expression.

Between the past several months, Luke and I had shared our sense of loss and fought hard to remain devoted to one another, but our loyalty still wavered as we attempted to put back the broken pieces of each other's broken hearts. While most people say that loss makes people grow fonder, I tended to disagree due to the state of mine and Luke's relationship.

Despite neither of us pressuring each other for more information about our loss, it seemed as though we were intruding on the other's personal space as we attempted to help each other when grieving the loss of our friends. Luke had no understanding of mine and Michael's relationship, and I, on the other hand, had no background into the field of loss that Luke was experiencing.

I tried to open my mouth to speak, hoping to convince Luke that this was not a decision to be made in our current state of mind, but I couldn't even open my mouth wide enough to breath without feeling as though this beautiful life he and I had created over the past two years was only a mirage.

He took a deep breath before releasing it and looking into my eyes, tears visible in his water line. Nothing other than an impending break up made up for the silence resonating in the room and his emotional turmoil that was currently spilling over like an overflowing cup.

"I was just thinking about us," he finally said, causing my heart to stop and the sound of my breathing to turn shallow. I propped myself up on one elbow, trying to decipher the meaning of this and find a reason for his sudden decision other than grief but found none. Tears threatened to fill my eyes as I fought with my conscience to convince myself that this was not real.

This couldn't have been real. Luke was never one to make a decision unless it was calculated, hence why we would never get married and why we waited so long to place a label on our relationship despite the obvious feelings surrounding us.

Another deep sigh released from his lips as he continued on with his words, my heart threatening to break with each moment of silence that passed. I felt as though I were walking on a tightrope that was about to snap beneath me and I was rapidly trying to prevent it with duct tape. Sitting there in the bed, broken and vulnerable, I was defenseless against anything that Luke could, or would, say to me, but that was when the words I had never thought he would speak came from his lips.