Decipher | Watty's 2017

XCIV. Divigate

Divagate

/ˈdīvəˌɡāt/

verb

to stray or digress

It was late by the time Luke and I were able to return to our shared bedroom, the thoughts of Janice's subsequent death still lingering within my mind. I attempted to keep my aimless mind from wandering to no avail, only realizing how much I had missed by focusing on her having a mental disorder. If only I had paid more attention, then maybe she would still be here. Luke's arms wrapped tightly around me, his lips placing fluttered kisses on my neck.

"It's not your fault," he mumbled in reassurance. I was relieved to know that he knew exactly what I was thinking without my having to explain it to him. Since the autopsy report had come back to show that a microchip, much smaller and more effective than the currently used ones, was implanted near Janice's spinal cord, exactly where she had predicted.

Ever since I had seen the scans and done an in depth analysis of the foreign object, the guilt of Janice's death had been lying on my small shoulders. Luke attempted to remind me every time he got the chance that it was not my fault, but nothing had been able to curve the guilt that weighed me down from the pit of my stomach.

"If I had only listened to her though," I mumbled, taking in his interrupting noises that signalled me to calm down and stop speaking. His lips reconnected with the back of my neck as I tried to urge myself onward in life. While I thought I should have been used to this, I still felt as though I needed to be punished for the crime I had committed against Janice.

"She knew that you wouldn't understand before she even told you," he mumbled into my neck, trying to capture my attention as I held back my cries. Despite Luke not holding this or Michael's death against me, I held both of them against myself, which drove him crazy as he tried to comfort me.

"Then why would she tell me?" I asked him, lost in the emotions overcoming myself in that moment. I knew that life was complicated, but it wasn't until I was exposed to the realities of my own life that I had come to understand how completely messed up it actually was.

My mind traveled back to the sight of Calum kneeling near Janice's new place of rest, looking down at it with such care and love that I couldn't imagine it fully in my head as I pictured it. The sadness covering his face was enough to give away his feelings; however, I doubt he wanted to hide them. I thought of how Luke would react to the same situation if it was I being lowered into the ground steadily as the guns fired off in a salute to my service.

That was when my head upturned slightly to take in Luke's perfect facial features looking down at me and assessing me thoroughly. His eyebrows were furrowed slightly as though he could read all of my thoughts and predict them before they had even fully formulated within my mind. Without a word even being spoken between the two of us, he began shaking his head and rested his head upon my shoulder, pulling me even closer to his lanky frame as I was encompassed by his strong and protective grasp.

"That won't be you," he assured me, kissing my ear gently as his words felt like a cool breeze on a summer's day. Luke was the epitome of perfection as he held me within his grasp and whispered kind and thoughtful words into my yearning ears. "I'll protect you." His words came out comfortingly, but I knew deep within that if it came down to a bullet penetrating myself or him, he would willingly jump in front of me to spare my porcelain skin from being marred with crimson blood.

I merely nodded at his words, not holding any other words within me to convey my feelings. Luke sighed slightly from behind me, pulling my body with his as he mumbled about taking a shower and going to bed. As we stood under the warm water, Luke appeared to be fully focused on scrubbing my body and his as quickly as possible, getting us out of the humid bathroom within twenty minutes of entering.