Stonehearts 3: Aquamarine

Thirty Five

           

I saw some kids playing tag outside when I got to the orphanage. Just like their reaction from last time, they all stopped when I entered the gate.

"Ate Q? Ikaw 'yun diba ate? Pero bakit black na 'yung buhok mo? Ang laki na rin ng tiyan mo!" I remembered her, she's Weng.

I giggled softly before patting her head. "Hindi na gumana ang magic ng blue na buhok ni Ate." Biro ko sa kanya. She smiled at me,

"Ate si Sister ba ang hinahanap mo?" Muling tanong niya. Napatango ako, hinawakan niya ang kamay ko saka ako hinatid sa opisina ni Sister Meridith.

Weng immediately ran back outside when I arrived in front of Sister's office. I took in a deep breath, puffed it out before I knocked, creaking the door open after.

"Sister.." Tawag ko. Napataas siya ng tingin, "Rina, nakauwi ka na ulit-Buntis ka?" Hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi niya. But her eyes were fixed on my five months baby. "Nagpakasal ka ba hija kaya ka biglaang umuwi ng Italy?"

I wish that was the case.

I shook my head, forcing a smile. "Sister, pwede ba akong maglibot lang? This orphanage brought me happy memories, pampatanggal stress."

She immediately paused what she's doing and stood up. "Sige, sasamahan kita hija.."

Pero napailing ako muli, "'Wag na Sister. Magmumuni-muni lang naman ako. I can do this alone."

She looked at me unconvinced at first, before sighing and shaking her head. I don't know what her actions meant but I shrugged it away. Masyado na akong maraming iniisip at hindi ko na idadagdag pa iyon.

I waved her goodbye before I closed the door, huffing out a sigh. So where do I start? I wanted to roam around the orphanage because I wanted to relieve my memories with Brinx here, hoping that it would mitigate the pain. Kahit konti lang.

Huminto ako sa dating kwarto ni Mima na ngayon ay study quarters na ng mga bata. I can still remember where I exactly painted the flowers, kung saan ako nakatayo at kung saan nakatayo si Brinx. I walked over the same spot touching the wall after.

I kept my eyes close, letting the gush of memories hit me. How he looked so arrogant but cute, how he asked for my name, his voice, his smile, my heart.

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. It was painful to reminisce but I just let myself do it. Sulit ang sakit dahil nasilayan ko ulit ang ngiti ni Brinx sa isip ko. Matagal ako roon, nagmumukhang esperitista s paghawak ko sa dingding at pagpikit.

I left the room when the tears started to cloud my sight. I went here to recollect happy memories right? Hindi para mag-iiiyak.

Pinuntahan ko lahat ng mga paborito naming lugar ni Brinx sa bahay ampunan. A strong palette of emotions hammered me in the process. Kwinekwentuhan ko pa nga ang baby namin, pakiramdam ko nga nag-re-react siya dahil naninigas ang tiyan ko paminsan-minsan.

Pababa na ako ng hagdan ng nakita ko ang kwarto ko. Sa lahat ng kwarto doon 'yun lang ang hindi na bago. Parehas pa rin ang pinto kahit 'yung door knob. So I walked back up the stairs and stride until I was infront of it.

Sabi ni Sister kandado iyon. I rested my palm on the door, closing my eyes. Brinx used to hug me while we're lying on my bed until I fall asleep. Minsan minamasahe niya rin ako kapag nagrereklamo ako na masakit ang likuran ko.

Aalis na sana ako pero sinubukan kong iikot ang door knob at nagulat ako ng bigla 'yung tumunog at nagbukas. It made a raspy grinding sound before it slowly opened.

I heard how close my heart was beating on my ears. Every thud shouted different emotions, variety of reactions. I guzzled the lump on my throat before I pushed the door wide open.

My heart fell when I saw what's inside.

My things were still in place, my cabinet, my bed, my shelf. Everything is still the same from it was before. Pero sobrang daming boxes ng regalo doon, 'yung iba lantang boquet ng bulaklak, may fresh din, may palanta pa lang, may dalawang malalaking teddy bear pa nga.

My eyes scanned the room before I let myself tread inside. The tears I was holding back betrayed me, because one by one they started to fall.

Nilapitan ko ang 'yung pinakamalapit na bulaklak, it was black and withering. May note card doon, "Happy three years and 8  months baby! My love for you just keep growing and growing. I love you so much!"

It read. I clasped my mouth with my hand, but a blub managed to abscond.

Katabi nun 'yung isang malaking gray na Teddy Bear. 'Yung nakita namin noon sa Blue Magic, gusto naman niyang bilhin kaso ako umayaw. Mahal kasi kaya nahiya akong ipabili sa kanya.

May note rin na nakasiksik sa ribbon ng bear. "Happy 21st Birthday baby! 'Diba sabi ko naman sa iyo bibilhin ko ang bear na 'to? I hope you don't mind because I already named him Charlie. Oh and he whispered that he loves you kahit hindi pa kayo nagkikita. But I still love you the most. Happy happy 21st birthday Rina."

Medyo maalikabok na ang bear na 'yun pero inakap ko pa rin. I even sneezed because of the dust. Bountiful emotions overwhelmed me as I sobbed infront of the 3-year-old humangous bear.

Kinalma ko muna ang sarili ko bago ako lumapit sa isang maliit na box at inalog 'yun. May note rin na nakakabit sa itaas ng blue na kahon. "Today is nothing special but I bought this because it reminded me of you baby. Spoiler alert! It's the magic 8 ball you wanted."

Napatawa ako habang mangiyak-ngiyak. Anyone would mistake me as a crazy lady when they see me crying and chuckling while looking at these inanimate objects.

Naalala ko ito, Alexa has one of these and I used to play with it whenever I visit them. Hindi ko naman nasabi sa kanya na gusto ko ng ganito pero mukhang kilalang-kilala na niya talaga ako.

I opened it, it revealed the blue novelty toy to me. I sniffed before I thought of a question to ask. "Mahal pa ba ako ni Brinx?" I whispered before shaking it.

"Absolutely yes!"

Napatawa ako bago ko inakap 'yun. Nagkaroon ako ng konting lakas ng loob dahil sa sagot na binigay sa akin ng laruan na 'yun.

Halos lahat ng mga gamit doon may note na nakasuksok o nakasabit. Yung iba regalo para sa birthday ko na nagdaan na hindi kami magkasama, 'yung iba sa monthsary/anniversary namin, 'yung iba mga random lang na bagay-bagay.

Hindi ko na kayang pantayan ang pagmamahal ni Brinx. I spent those years in Italy hating him, planting grudges. Samantalang siya, walang ibang ginawa kundi igugol ang oras at panahon niya sa pagmamahal sa akin.

Binabasa ko ang note na nakalagay sa taas ng isang box nang napukaw ang atensyon ko ng nag-iisang plastic na rosas. Nakapatong  'yun sa taas ng unan ko. I sat on the edge of the bed before picking it up, reading the note dangling from it. "Happy 24th birthday Rina! One artificial rose to tell you that you're the only one who owns my heart. Plastic and artificial to tell you that my love for you is undying and forever. Maligayang kaarawan mahal ko."

Tinitigan ko ng matagal ang bulaklak na iyon. I deplored my rash actions and decisions as I read and explored further. Brinx did all these for me, I was all he thought about. Pero ako? Anong ginawa ko? Hindi siya ang makasarili dito kundi ako.

I sit still, letting my stupid judgement consume me. Tahimik lang akong humihikbi ng nakarinig ako ng yabag at tinig ng isang bata.

"Daddy daddy! Pupunta na ba tayo kay mommy pagkatapos nito?" Tugon ng maliit pero energetic na boses. Napahinto ako sa paghinga, kilala ko ang boses ng batang iyon.

Mas lalong lumakas ang kutob ko ng may sumagot, malalim at baritong boses. "Oo anak, pero sandali lan-" Then he went mute when he saw the door open.

He was holding a bouquet of different flowers but all colored in blue. "R-rina..." He was able to utter, his eyes landing on my belly. "B-bab-y..P-regnant.." He mumbled unintelligently.

Naiyak ako na ako ng tuluyan. Wala ng pakialam kung maingay 'yun sa bawat singhot at hikbi ko. Then Brixton hugged Brinx's thighs tight. "Daddy sino po siya? Bakit siya umiiyak?"