HER Tearful Heart - Zauren

38 - That's not love...

His lips graze around my chest and I gasp at the feeling pulling at his hair with the sudden need.
His mouth goes down to my stomach and he lightly kisses my skin, and I actually think he's kissing every scar I have, cause I know exactly where I have them, and he's lips are only tracing them. One by one.

My breath his out of control and so is his.
I feel his hands reach my leggings and he tugs at them, slowly taking them off my body. He comes back up and kisses my mouth. I place my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. My knees bent up, and his body falls down in between my legs, making me gasp at the pleasure I'm feeling. I move my hands to the small of his hack, pressing him harder against me.

"Shit." He mutters. I chuckle, biting his lower lip and sucking on it until he groans. "Double shit." This time I laugh, as he does, hiding his face on my neck, but he quickly goes back to what we were doing as I feel his tongue graze around my skin.

I feel him pull out his sweat pants, and I quickly help him with that and we both lay back on the bed, his lips kissing mine, with no apparent want to stop.

We're both in our undies now. I've just realized that. And I know now, that there's nothing that's going to stop us from doing this.

Or so, I thought.

He keeps kissing me on my neck, shoulders, collarbone, face, lips, everywhere in my body.

But just a simple grip was able to freeze my body.

I don't know what happened but he was touching me, feeling my body, tracing every single line I had, but when he stopped at my hips and squeezed them, I went back in time.
His breath, the weight on his body on top of me was making me feel suffocated, so I started crying out of panic.

"Lauren... Lauren?" I heard him say, but his voice sounded like he was so far away, like Luis was the one on top of me instead and he was away, trying to get to me but he couldn't... He couldn't save me.

"Lauren. Look at me, what's wrong? Hey!" He tried again. "Look at me... Come on..." he whispered. And so I did, I took a look at the body on top of min and saw Zayn. His eyes. It was Zayn.
It's just Zayn.

"You're ok... It's just me." He whispered, he's forehead pressed to mine.

"I know... I know..." I took a deep breath, reassuring myself of what I was doing there, and then went back to kissing him, maybe I could still do it, right?

No, because he stopped me.

"No... What are you doing..." He said confused by my actions. "What's wrong Lauren?"

"Nothing, I just want to kiss you... I just wanna do this."

"No, you don't... Look at you. You're scared, you're shaking..." He sits up trying to take a better look at me.
He could tell that something was wrong but I didn't want him to know why I was doing that.

"I know, that-that's just because I'm nervous, but I need to do it, come on." I quickly get back on top of him, my head feeling a little heavy, I was starting to feel dizzy, and nauseous.
Oh God I really don't want to do this, but I have to.

Come on Lauren, you've got this...

"You what?" he asks as I start kissing away on his chest. "Lauren stop. Stop!" He yells. And I immediately do as I'm told. "I don't understand, you're not nervous, you're scared, I can tell... Why do you want to do this? What's going on?"

"Zayn! Stop it! Shut up! I just need it!" My voice cracks. "I need it..."

He gets out of the bed and I sit up, covering my self with the blanket.

"You need it? Lauren? What do you mean, you need it? I'm not going to make love to you, when you're this shaken up... Why do you keep saying you need it?"

"Because I do!"

"Tell me Lauren..." He pressures me and I eventually give in.

"I-I-" and I star crying.

"Hey... Shsh, what's going on?" He quick rushes to the bed, getting hold of my hands and squeezing them to give me some kind of comfort.

"Zayn... Luis... He's coming... I don't want him to rape me again, when I haven't had sex with you yet... I don't want it to happen..." I shake my head to the sides, tears rolling down my face as I remember every single time he touched me, every single time he pushed me down on a bed, a table, to the floor and had his way around with me.
I only yelled for the three first times he did it. I don't know why but I only knew his love and I always thought that that was just part of it all. That I had to give in to him no matter what, cause for one, he'd get it whether I wanted it or not, and second, what could I do...

"What? Lauren, are you serious?" He looked at me incredulous and I just looked back.
That wasn't love. That clearly wasn't love when Zayn  is right here, in a bed with me and not once looked at me as if I was nothing to him, as if I was only a way for him to satisfy himself and his sexual needs. Not once he looked at me and laughed in my face for something I did or didn't do...

"I'm sorry... I thought it was time... I thought I was ready...." I shake my head to the sides not believing what I just did, feeling myself get into this cloud of numbness.
Why did Luis did that to me. He said he loved me.

"But you're not..." I hear Zayn say with a hint of disappointment, making me look up for a few seconds.

I thought Luis loved me.

"I'm sorry, I'm trying, but I just..." I vent, but I can't finish my sentence as all I'm thinking about right now is Luis and his love... His love for me.

"It's ok, when you're ready, you're ready and we'll do it... But for now, I promise Luis won't lay a finger on you, you hear me? You don't have to do this... Ok?" He reassures me.

I nod my head, and open my arms to hug him. My head lays on his shoulder and I feel his heart beating through his chest. His slow breathing, his gentle touch.

Luis never touched me like this. He was never delicate even though I thought he was.

"I love you... I wouldn't be ok with myself if we were to do it with you not being ready..."

He never, for a second, thought about my well being. He was first. His needs were always first.
My God how could I not have seen it. How was I have been so blind. Why did I do this to myself, why did I let him do that for so long.

"But it's not fair to you..." I convey slowly trying to make sense of my thoughts and Zayn's conversation with me.

"Why? I love you, all I need in this relationship is your love back, you got me?"

Zayn loves me.
Luis loved me.
Luis doesn't love me.
That's not love.

"Yeah..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... I love you Zayn." I say getting hold of his face and staring right into his hazel eyes to make sure that he knows that my feelings for him are real. But somehow, I could feel this tiny little trace of uncertainty in his eyes. I close my eyes in agony. He's doubting my love for him. I know he is...

"I love you baby. Let's put some clothes on."

"Ok.'
And that's all we say before we get back into each others arms, laying down in the bed, hoping that it would all go away.

But what if it doesn't.

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