Smile {A Phanfiction}

Smile (chapter eleven)

Dan

I woke up the next day on the floor and on the same patch of carpet on which I remember falling asleep. I looked out the window to find a completely sunny morning (well at least I thought it was morning, I usually wake up at about 11 so it was probably closer to midday), my bedroom just as I left it and a faint sound from somewhere in the flat.

Phil.

Just as I was remembering the incident that happened yesterday, I looked over at my lower half to find that a blanket had been draped over me as I slept. I thought I remembered some one coming into my room and putting it there, just Phil I would think, and that really wasn't anything too special so I probably just went back to sleep. I knew for sure I was dreaming because I swear I remembered some one kissing my forehead. 

Phil would never do that.
Phil would never have feelings for me, let alone show his affection through a kiss.
That only ever happened in fanfictions.

I put the blanket back in the closet, stretched and made my way to the kitchen. Phil wasn't in the kitchen but the kettle was on and ready with the boiling water for my morning tea. He had probably already made his tea and left enough water for a second cup out of curtesy. Or maybe it was out of guilt.

I took a quick peek in the lounge, but Phil wasn't in there either. I don't even know why I was looking for him, he basically threw a fit at me. 

Was I really still in love with him? I thought back to the conversation I had with myself the day before.

I wanted Phil like an addict wants drugs. 

And it was still true.

Phil

I heard his door creak open and I listened to the light footsteps disappear down the hallway towards the kitchen. I left him some extra water in the kettle, mostly because I felt terrible about yesterday and what events would unfold because of my lashing out. I was basically planning to avoid Dan for the entire day, maybe even the entire week, or however long it took for him to forgive me and how long it took for my shame to die down.

Out of guilt, last night I snuck back into Dan's room to give him a blanket for warmth in his usually cold bedroom. As soon as I walked in I noticed him visibly shaking and shivering on the ground. If I had enough strength, I would carry him to his bed to sleep under the warm comforter and with pillows to support the head, which I knew had a million different thoughts going off as he slept.

His messy brown hair was still covering his face, so I swept it out of the way so I could see his closed eyes. I looked down at Dan's peaceful form and was pushed by temptation and the assurance that no one would ever know, I placed a light kiss on Dan's forehead. I took one last glance at him before I left, his skin was smooth and soft to the touch, and even while he was sleeping, with his face squished against the floor, he was beautiful.

That's also why I felt so bad for returning to the dating website. I knew I loved Dan and had completely admitted it to myself the night before, but I still felt alone (since I had been pushing Dan away so much) and like it would be good to explore other people 

What if this whole Dan thing doesn't work out (like it most likely won't)?  

I need to be able to have people who share my passions and to fall back on right? It sounds desperate and I felt really bad, like I was cheating on Dan or something. Even though we're not together and he'll never share my mutual feelings.

I just don't want to be alone... 

Dan

I didn't really know what to do with myself. I mean like I didn't have any videos to edit (not like I felt like editing at the moment), I didn't really feel like watching anime without Phil and I sure as hell didn't want to write fanfiction about the two of us. But I did really want to sort this whole thing out with Phil, I felt kind of lonely sitting in the deserted lounge.

Before I could regret my decision, I got up from my sofa crease and walked straight up to Phil's bedroom door. I knocked. But when I got no answer I tried to talk my way in:

"Phil?" I asked through the door, "Are you up?"

Phil

I really did not want to talk to him while the shame was still so fresh in my mind. I decided not to answer.

Dan 

"Look, I know your awake."

"Don't try to pretend like your sleeping."

"I want to talk about what happened."

It was just a one way conversation; he still wasn't replying.

"I'm not upset."

"Just tell me what's bothering you, we can talk through it if you need..."

And right before I walked back into my lonely little world;

"Phil, I forgive you."

Phil

I listened to every word. He seemed like he really meant it. Even though I couldn't see how anyone could forgive me for the way I had acted. He hadn't done anything wrong, except want a little more alone time. Was I really bashing him for that?

His bedroom door closed behind him and after that everything was quiet again.
Everything felt wrong and I had no idea how to fix it.