Smile {A Phanfiction}

Smile (chapter thirteen)

Dan

I felt like Phil and I were in some sort of twisted game of tag. When ever I would shut him out, he'd shut me out right back. It just kept happening, over and over and over again, and sometime pretty soon one of us would give out.

Either we'd fix our current dilemma (not that Phil thinks we're having a dilemma, he's the one exploring new people) or, one of us would shut the other out forever.

I was a wreak that night, after Phil told me he was secretly going on dates with people, people who he'd met online too! (I find it slightly ironic how Phil and I bonded over the internet and now it was the very thing that was tearing us apart).

But anyways, after Phil had left the room as our very brief conversation ended, I felt like I needed time to cope. I needed time to myself and it had to be somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn't literally right across the hall from the person who had, unknowingly stomped on my heart. I quickly and without making any noise at all, grabbed a sweater, my phone, keys and a few pounds. I walked out onto the cool street and immediately felt the chilled breeze go through my thin sweater and hit my skin. I knew I should have taken a coat, it was nearing the end of fall after all, but it was too late to go back into the flat now.

I began to walk down the street. I didn't really have a plan and was just travelling aimlessly, basically just trying to cool my head and calm down the thoughts that were raging around in my brain.

This is a sign, Phil wants you two to move onto new people.
He will never love you, he probably is disgusted by the thought of dating his best friend.
Are you even his best friend?
You never talk to each other and you both know you're drifting apart. 

I had been mauling over the theories in my mind to the point I swore I was insane and I didn't remember if I was saying things out loud or the intenseness of the accusations I was making against myself were just inside my head. It had probably been almost an hour of walking down the streets of London, thinking, when I started to get desperate. ( I know, you'd think it would take less time to finally realize you were completely desperate, the one person you've ever wanted to be with dating other people and all).

I decided to call Pj. I don't know exactly why, but I felt like in some way he would get my pain, and I really just needed to be with a friend right now, I would go to Phil but...

"Hey, Pj?" I said into the phone after he had finally picked up.

"It's like one in the morning, mate." Pj's sleepy tone was clear through the phone's speaker. I hadn't realized it was that late.

"Yeah I know, but I really need to talk to you about something...Can I come over by any chance?" I pleaded into the phone.

"You know what...Sure come over and we can talk." Pj is always there if you need him. I always felt he went a little unappreciated.

*************

I got to Pj's at about 1:45 in the morning, and I was pretty much planning to stay the night.

But I didn't bother texting Phil.

Pj looked wide awake when he opened his front door. I was surprised because on the phone he seemed like he was going to pass out from the lack of sleep.

"I made hot tea and set up some sweets on the coffee table." Pj said cheerfully.

Like I said; underappreciated.

We sat down together on the sofa in Pj's living room and started to drink our tea in mutual silence. I was just now realizing that I had never told Pj that I loved Phil. But at this point in the night, and the state of our friendship, I felt like I could trust him enough to keep my secret. I sighed and set down my tea carefully on the coffee table beside me.

"So...I have feelings for Phil."

Pj almost choked on his tea and biscuit.

"I knew it!" Pj yelled unexpectedly.

"What'd you mean?" I asked him, slightly shocked.

"Come on Dan, it's obvious...Do I really need to explain how I knew?"

He had a point. I've never really done the best job at hiding my feelings for Phil. But I can't help looking at him, and whenever he speaks, he deserves my full attention.

"Fine. Anyways...He's started to go out with people."

"Oh...Well shit..." Pj whispered.

"Yeah. We've just been shutting each other out and earlier tonight, he finally told me that he'd been going to bars and on dates with strangers that he met on some new dating website or something." I confessed.

"Wait...Did you say 'new dating website'?"

"Yeah, why?" I was confused.

"Okay. So I have feelings for Chris." Pj sighed. (Honestly I wasn't surprised). 

"Wow, yup, okay...Really?" I felt awkward but also relived that someone else knew my feelings.

'Yeah, but it was kind of obvious right? Why else would I put him in all my films? So...I recently found out Chris was using a new dating website too! I got really upset when I found out. Do you think they're using the same site?" He practically said it all in one breath.

"I don't know, but really, I don't care how Phil found these people, I just want him to stop seeing them."

"Same over here brother."

So basically, for the rest of the night, Pj and I bonded over our misplaced emotions and general sadness because the people we had romantic feelings for, would never actually love us back. It was nice to let everything out.

Phil

I woke up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, I could barely even sleep. The guilt was eating away at me so much that I felt the need to distract myself with snacks or random intakes of water.

When I opened the door that lead into the hall outside my room, I saw that Dan's bedroom door was ajar. I poked my head in, but couldn't make out a figure under the covers. I thought maybe he had gone to get a snack or water as well. But when I looked in the kitchen, there was no Dan. I decided to check the entire flat. No Dan.

Dan doesn't want to even be in the same flat as you.
He couldn't stand you shutting him out, now he's gone.

Although I knew he was eventually coming back and probably just went out somewhere, I still felt sad knowing that he didn't tell me where or maybe even because I was the one who pushed him to go. Maybe he felt uncomfortable with me dating other people. 

 Or maybe he left because you're desperate enough to use online dating.

Going out with random people that will never have the same things in common like you and Dan do.
Never interest you like Dan does.
Never make you feel the same way Dan does.