Smile {A Phanfiction}

Smile (chapter thirty three)

Dan

The cab ride back to the flat was quiet, but it was the comfortable kind of quiet. The silence filled the air and I could tell Phil was thinking about something, his eyes glued to the frosty window peering out at the buildings and people flash past. He was too deep in though to have noticed my staring, I liked it when I could just look at him and appreciate his alluring beauty. I took time to notice the misplaced spots on the back of his neck that you couldn't see until you looked really closely, I admired his posture and how effortless it was, and I loved the way his eyes lit up when they grazed over a particular shine coming from outside. 

I couldn't take my eyes off him.

Phil

My heart was pounding in my chest for the entire trip, the thoughts about what was to come next were tumbling over and over in my mind like clothes in an endless washing machine cycle. I contemplated every possible outcome I could think off, but they were always just foggy ideas and I didn't want to trust my fuzzy visions. Trying not to be sick in the car, I busied myself by looking out the window and trying to focus on other things. Despite my efforts, I couldn't help but think of how the whole scene would play out.

Am I going to burst into tears?
How awkward will it be?
What if he doesn't actually love me?
Will I tell him at all?

I was so terrified that I couldn't even look at him.

Dan

I stepped into the flat with Phil following after me. He seemed uneasy about something and I planned on asking him what was wrong when we got upstairs. But he pushed past me on the stairs and raced up the rest of the way, maybe he was going to throw up and that's why he looked so sick.

Phil

I had to ready myself, I had to prepare for when it would all come out. I sprinted up the stairs and into the lounge, pacing around, trying to clear my head so when it all came out like a gushing flood of words, I would be ready. With every breath I took, I could feel the words get heavier and heavier in my mind. 

Dan 

I stepped into the lounge, the lights of the Christmas tree danced on his face and illuminated it as he looked in my direction. His expression was frightful and I instantly was overcome with worry and fear, I didn't know what I was fearing, but I knew that the answer would come soon enough.

"Phil?" I asked nervously.

"Um... I was hoping that I could tell you something," The way his hands were shaking reminded me of something. "It's really important."

"Yeah, sure, what is it?"

Phil

I pictured that moment so many times in my head that I thought for a second that the person standing in front of me was a figment of my imagination.

My mouth was dry and I could feel the words inside me wanting to be poured out. "Daniel James Howell, I...I..." I stood in place, my mind a blank canvas.

Dan looked at me with the most confused expression I had ever seen him wear. I could feel the floor from under me become a gaping hole that I wished it would swallow me up.

"I think...I think that um..." I closed my eyes as tightly as I could. My heartbeat sounded like a million drums pounding away at my insides. "I think I'm in love with you!"

I was too afraid to open my eyes and see his reaction.

Dan

I was stunned, I couldn't move.

"What?" I said in the small voice.

Phil opened his eyes slowly. The frightened expression had not left his face, if anything, he seemed even more scared than before. But he just stood there, silent.

"Do you know how fucking long I have waited for you to say that?" I shouted at his silent figure. I could not help but be filled with anger. All the pent up emotions burst out of me. "Do you know how much I felt like a piece of crap every time you went out to date other people, not once taking into consideration that the best person for you was waiting just outside your bedroom?"

Phil

I flinched at every word Dan spat at me. What was worse was the fact that everything he was saying was true, I knew that he was the most perfect person for me, but I chose to overlook and forget about him.

"I know! I know that you're that best person for me and I was an idiot for thinking otherwise!" I yelled back to Dan. "But you didn't make it easy for me to realize it! You were always locked up inside your bedroom doing who knows what!"

"I was trying to get a little bit of happiness in my life! I spent all my time desperately wishing you would love me, so much that I even went as far as to write a god damn fan fiction about us!"

Dan

I didn't even care that I had told him about the fan fiction, it didn't matter now, none of it did.

"I know about that too. I read it." Phil went from a roar to a soft and embarrassed whisper.

"You did what?" My eyes widened and I felt like a huge doofus. Of course he read it, the universe wasn't going to quit humiliating me yet, it never would.

"I read it. Do you mean everything you write, about the two of us?"

"Of course! All I've ever wanted is to be with you!" I was out of breath from all the shouting. "It's you who can never see past our friendship, it's you who doesn't think about the fact that I might actually care for you and might actually love you." I could feel the tears starting to streak down my face.

I noticed the tears in Phil's eyes as well.

Phil

"I know...this is all my fault."

Dan looked sadly towards me. "Don't say that, look I'm sorry for shouting, but I..." He trailed off.

"I know I should have confessed sooner, but I didn't know how. I had all these emotions that I just couldn't deal with." More and more tears stung me eyes.

"I just wanted this so badly." Dan said while taking a step closer to me.

"What? The two of us crying and yelling over how dumb we've both been and how we've made each other's lives a living nightmare?" I said weakly.

"No, silly," Dan said while gently whipping the tears on my face away with his thumb. "I wanted you to say that you loved me."

"So, does that mean you love me too?"

"More than anything." He whispered before kissing my forehead and pulling me close for a tight hug. I felt like nothing else mattered, nothing else was more important that what was happening in that moment. The salty drops of water were still coming out like a stream from my eyes, landing on Dan's shoulder, I could feel his tears on my shoulder as well. And as I took in what was happening, Dan hugging me tightly, the tears rolling down both our faces and that fact that the person that means the world to me just said that he loves me,

I couldn't help but smile.