Keep Quiet // Josh Dun (completed)

epiløgue

credit to @vanityjoseph for writing part of this and coming up with Josh's death scene. she's amazing tbh.

-

This is Josh. I'm probably too busy to answer so just call back later.

As soon as she heard the message, she wished that he would somehow miraculously pick up the phone. Even after the beep she sat in silence for a moment, expecting him to pick up, but the long pause and lack of response hollowed her out even more than before. These were the messages she left to him, his phone rather, in the month following his death.

1. I miss you more than anything and my chest aches all the time. I think I'm going to explode and then one day during the autopsy, they'll find pieces of you safely tucked inside of my shattered heart. There's a little home in the universe where you used to stand beside me, and I feel myself being pulled to the vacant air like the moon pulls the tides. But the moon can never seem to pull the tides just enough to reach them, and I can't seem to reach you either.

2. Tyler took it so bad. He misses you so much that he tried to be with you, if you know what I mean. Jenna told me that his meds got amped up a lot and he barely sleeps anymore because he has nightmares about you. His demons used to haunt his dreams, and you used to look him in the eye and tell him they weren't real. Now you haunt his dreams and his demons remind him you're not real anymore.

3. A couple of years ago I saw this documentary about people who lived after jumping off of bridges, and you know what they all said? That the second it was too late, the second they jumped, they felt immediate regret. That no matter how bad the urge to jump had gotten, it was never as prominent as the one they felt to stay alive when it was too late. Did you feel like that after you fell? I hope you didn't. I hope you're free now.

4. I'm sorry for calling so late but I'm a little drunk and a lot sad because I want to clean my head and my throat of you and now I'm sitting in the bathtub trying to scrub off every place that you ever kissed me but I can still remember how your lips feel and it's  not working and maybe you should come and help.

5. I was cleaning my room and I found one of your favorite sweaters. I wore it to bed, but don't worry. I'll wash it and you can come pick it up when you're not busy. Seeing your face again would be nice. Call me back. Please.

6. I sent you a photo of a new flavor of oreos when I was at the store because I knew you would laugh at how stupid a watermelon cookie would sound, but it didn't go through. I guess your account isn't in use anymore. Call back.

7. I ran into your mom yesterday. She talked about how nice the weather was with cloudy eyes and shaking hands. I think she misses you. I sure as hell do.

8. You were in my dream last night. I swear that I could feel you holding my hand. I woke up crying and realized that you weren't there. Life is a chore without you. Talk to you soon.

9. I think I'm gonna start seeing my counsellor again, I'm seeing everyone now but you. You were the only medication I needed to be happy, but you're expired now, and I'd rather swallow pills than my memories of you.

10. I pass your house all the time. I always think about stopping by to see you, but then I remember that you're not there, only the things you left behind. All you took with you was my sanity.

11. I know that your voicemail is almost full by now, but I keep calling and holding my breath and praying that you'll pick up so that I can finally hear your voice again. I'm not even sure what I'd do if you did. Please come back.

12. Your mom called me yesterday to tell me that they're disconnecting your phone because they can't afford the bill. When I saw your caller ID, I immediately bursted into tears and answered and called for you. I wondered if I was imagining it, but that would be the first time my lack of reality would save me. I offered to pay the bill if it meant I could hear your voice again. I can't live without you.

13. I guess this is the last message I'll be leaving you. I hope you get all of these eventually.

14. I take back the previous recording. I had to hear your voice one last time.

15. Goodbye, baby. Maybe once your phone stops ringing you'll be able to rest in peace.

16. I can't. I can't let you go. You've been gone for a month and I'm still a mess. My dad tells me that everything's gonna be okay, but that's what he said when my mom died. I still can't fathom the fact that you're actually gone even though you died in my fucking arms. Your soul is stuck under my finger nails and I can't seem to pick it out. And yet you are gone and I can't do anything about it, I guess this is goodbye, baby. I'll still try to visit you as much as I can. As long as I'm real, I'm yours. We'll be together again one day. I promise that we'll be able to hold hands again. I love y-

Before she was able to finish her very last message the end time beep went off.

"No!" She screamed before throwing her phone against the wall, tears falling rapidly from her eyes.

She tried to call again the next day.

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