Keep Quiet // Josh Dun (completed)

chapter twenty three :: almøst make-ups and pre bøtb

When Nicole woke up the next morning, she was laying with her head on Josh's chest. She had her arm over his abdomen.

"Josh," she shook him a little. "Wake up."

Josh's eyes fluttered open. "Morning," he muttered out.

Nicole sat up and looked around. "Did we really-"

"Make up in a treehouse?"

Josh sat up with a small smile and gave Nicole a kiss. It was soft and exactly what they needed, but Nicole pulled away.

"W-Wait," she said to him when she pulled away. "This isn't okay."

"What?" Josh gave her an incredulous look. "Do you not remember what we did last night?"

"Do you not remember what I saw yesterday?" Nicole fought back as she stood up. "You were getting all touchy with Ashley. She's just using you! To hurt me and to get what she wants."

Josh shook his head as he stood up. "No Nicole that's-"

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?!" She yelled, having been more angry at him that she was at Ashley when she beat her up.

"Look," Josh walked towards her with slow steps. "I was using Ashley. I was upset and she was just my rebound. I have no feelings for her anymore."

"Anymore?"

"No. Not since I met you." He told her.

"I just..." She grabbed her shoes and slipped them on. "I have to go."

"Nic," he called.

"Did you forget what tonight is?" She asked him. "You and Tyler have to do your final practice before you go up and compete. My being around will only distract you." She said before opening the trapdoor and climbing down the latter.

Josh took the small box that sat in the corner of the treehouse. It was the box that held all of the objects him and Tyler used to carve the wall. He pulled one of the dull knives out and began carving into the wall.

|-/

When Nicole got home, she had tears in her eyes. She was feeling a mix of everything - sad, angry, overwhelmed - all because of the fight between her and Josh. She felt bad about how harsh she was. She scolded Josh for something that he wasn't able to control.

She wanted to look through their I like you book just to see if there was anything to persuade Josh that they still needed each other.

Nicole opened her closet door and reached up to the top shelf where she kept a photo copy of the scrapbook she made for Josh. She stepped on her tiptoes and felt for the copy. Once she found it, she went to pull it down.

It was caught on something. She tugged harder. The book and then a small, colorful box came tumbling down.

"Dammit," she mumbling as she knelt down to pick up the book and the box.
She didn't realize what the box encased until she got a good look at it.

It was the box she made for her mother on her birthday just a few months after she passed.

With curiosity, she sat the ground and picked it up, flipping the latch up and opening it.

There was a thick stack of paper that had writing on it. They were an assortment of colors and seemed as if they were each from a different notebook.

She picked up the stack and unfolded it, picking up the first letter she saw. It was pale pink paper. She remembered this from a pocket sized notebook she received as a gift. There was four small pieces of paper that were filled with writing.

Dear Mom,
Today is not the best day. I passed my math test by only one point. I wish you were here to help me because I'm pretty bad at math. I'm a bit upset that I didn't receive your math smarts.

It's almost Christmas. The first one without you.

This girl in my class has been really mean to me. I really hate her. It's only because I'm quiet.

Dad has been giving me a hard time as well. I just wish you were here to protect us and ask him to stop shouting at me. Aunt Evie said that you are our guardian angel. I believe that. I just wish you were here physically.

Why can't just be here for our whole life? On the funeral card, it said God just needed you with him. I don't really believe that because if he truly loved you, he would've kept you with the people who make you happy.

Did you see Mommom yet? I hope you did. She always talked about how much she missed you before she died. I love you.

Nicole remembered writing that one. It was only two months after she lost her mother. She stayed up and wrote it in the middle of the night.

She picked up the next piece of paper, which had a light purple flower pattern on it.

//trigger warning//

Dear Mom,
I just got yelled at by Dad for being so quiet. I cried a lot. I don't like being yelled at. Especially for a reason like that.

I really want to be with you now because I'm not having a good day. I honestly feel like killing myself, but then again besides dad, my life is all I have. I have no friends.

I'm gonna go to sleep and hope that clears my mind. I love you.

That was the first time Nicole ever felt as if she didn't want to be alive. She always confided in her mother before she died, and decided to continue even after it happened.

The next one had the same purple pattern on it.

//trigger warning//

Dear Mom,
My day has been not so good. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm probably going to fail my math class this year.

Dad wants to punish me for something I did two months ago. It honestly feels like he doesn't love me. He's become so consumed in work to care about me. He won't give me my phone back even though my grades are a lot better. It's been three months since I last had it. It makes no sense.

He is also dating somebody named Angela. She probably thinks she can replace you.

Nicole recalled her father's ex. They were only together for one terrible month.

Why did you have to go?

Sterling adores her. Probably because she gives her money.

Angela doesn't care about you or us. Only about what happens between her and dad. She gets me in trouble a lot because she lies to Dad. I don't think she likes me.

I tried to kill myself so that I could be with you rather than being here. Dad found me in the bathroom after I took all of my sleeping pills. He had to take me to the hospital because I wouldn't wake up even after he activated my gag reflex and got me to throw up. I think Dad would go into a deeper depression if I actually died that night. I think about you when I think about hurting myself. I know you wouldn't be proud of me.

I'm gonna go now. I love you.

Nicole folded it back up and put everything back in the box. She couldn't stand to read more, seeing as she was already upset over Josh.

She clicked the latch back on and put it back up in the closet.

Now she just had to prepare for battle of the bands. Even though her and Josh weren't in the best of terms, she still wanted to support him.

He was definitely going to need it that night.