Random Thoughts🌙

Fresh cuts, new scars

  She sat there on her own. It was late in to the night and what she felt in that dark silence was enough to make her feel as though she were suffocating, as though she were surrounded by her demons.
   She couldn't believe what she had done, that she was even capable of doing anything like it. Every time she glanced down at her arm the panic would set in. Her emotions were close to resembling a raging storm inside of her but on the outside she was cold, detached. In that very moment, when her cut was bleeding, when her arm was aching, when her eyes were watering, when her world was falling apart, when heart was breaking and her reality was shattering, she realised how damaged she really was, how hurt and terrified she really felt. The loneliness, pain, sorrow and fear she felt then was something like never before and she never wanted to face anything like that again.
   It was the first time she had intentionally hurt herself; she had no one to talk to, no one to turn to, no one to comfort her. She was truly alone...
   Before all this happened she stood there with the blade in her hand, her arm exposed and her mind set but she was frozen, paralysed. She didn't have the courage to cut herself. She just stood there cursing herself, shaking and pushing herself to get it over with. She couldn't help but wonder how other people were able to do it...
   It was the first time she was doing anything like this and she was trembling with fear yet unable to move. For the first time ever she wanted someone to save her, someone to stop her but who was to come to her aid when she was alone.
     People said that when you cut all you feel is the physical pain, for a while you would lose track of the monsters haunting you. That wasn't true. She came to see that it was just another sweet lie. Her emotions did not disappear or fade because of the physical pain, instead she felt as though they had amplified. Now she didn't just feel broken, lost, hurt, lonely, devastated, scared or messed up; now she also felt the agonising physical pain, damaged and a gaping hole in her chest.
   After using the blade she had thought that she didn't cut deep enough as there was no blood. However, before she could do anything more she saw it, first it was a thin red line but then it started flowing like crimson ink. She stood there, staring at it and still couldn't believe it. When the initial shock and disbelief wore off that was when she understands the depth of what she had done.
   Even now, after nothing but a faint scar was left, she still felt an overwhelming rush of emotions when she saw it and she would never forget how low she had fallen that fateful night. She wasn't just scarred physically, this scar ran deep in her mind as well and she wasn't sure if it would ever heal...