Random Thoughts🌙

Escapes in the grey

  "Why? Why would you smoke?"

  I smoke to lose focus of life, to let my mind stand still and fade like the grey wisps. The only thing I need to think about is breathing my lungs black. I smoke to live in the temporary illusion of tranquility. I do it to kill myself, slowly and invisibly. I do it to ignore the mess I am inside and the void I'm becoming. I will do it to avoid facing the reality of my world, to turn away from talking about what I'm feeling, how I'm hurting. I'm bad at words yet I have so much to say. The cigarettes grazing my lips don't talk, they listen. They hear the silent puffs of air, the numbing emotion, the rivers of tears. No judging, no fearing resentment. In the end when I'm left for good, this pain is something which stays and I'm too deep in it now. I'm too hurt, too broken, too damaged; to smile without crying, breathe without shuddering, sleep with nightmares. Sometimes, it's hard to let myself go like this but I do it because if I don't I fear there won't be anything left to console, just emptiness.