Secrets // An Ashton Irwin FanFic

Chapter Eight

So far, this has been my favorite chapter to write, I hope you enjoy!!

CHAPTER EIGHT

(Tomorrow is a snow day!!! That means more updates!!! Thanks for over 100 reads on the first chapter!!!!)

 Songs for this chapter:

 Tennis Court - Lorde

 Little Lady - Ed Sheeran

 Glory and Gore - Lorde

 Come On Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners (from Perks of Being a Wallflower)

 Skinny Love - Birdy 

 I See Fire - Ed Sheeran

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As I laid in bed that night, so many thoughts ran through my mind. The main one was my mind questioning my heart. Was I really falling for the boy who broke my heart all over again? He made me feel so… right. When he kissed me, it was almost as if the world around me disappeared and Ashton was the only one that mattered. I hated how he fucked with my mind. Ashton was special to me. I didn’t know what it was about him, but everything was gravitating me towards him.

Ashton. That’s all I could think of. There was no point in trying to block him out anymore because it wasn’t going to happen. The thought of him made my stomach fill with butterflies, my cheeks turn bright red, and all my worries disappear. The fact that he did this worried me. I just broke up with Michael. I shouldn’t already be feeling this way towards Ashton.

That’s when the other thought hit me. Had I really ever gotten over him? After all, he was my first boyfriend. I hated how my relationship with Ashton was turning into some stupid chick flick movie, but he was my first love, and as those dumb movies say, you never get over your first love.

ASHTON’S POV

I laid down on the couch with a huff. So much had happened today. I found out about Hadley self harming herself, I got in a fight with Michael, and I kissed her. What the fuck had my life turned into? The one thing that stuck around out of everything was Had cutting herself. Was I seriously the reason she started? I didn’t actually mean any of those harsh words that I spat in her face the night we broke up. The idea that it was my fault was enough to make me want to throw up. Especially all over Michael’s bed. At least I knew she was safe from him sleeping in my room.

The night we broke up absolutely fucking sucked. It was the night my dad left my mum and my siblings. That jackass came into the house, screamed at my mom, and left with most of the valuables in the house. It wasn’t like he was around much before that, but it fucking set me off. I didn’t know how to handle myself, so I went to Had’s house for comfort. It somehow managed to turned into a screaming match.

That night haunted my every thought and it fucking sucked. After my dad left, Hadley was the one positive source of light in my life and I was the one that pushed her away. There were so many other ways I could’ve handled my anger, but instead I hurt her. 

I tried apologizing and explaining myself over and over and over again, but she wouldn’t buy any of it. She ignored every call, text, Facebook message, Twitter direct message, and even a letter. That’s when it finally hit me. That’s when I knew she was gone from my life forever. At least as my girlfriend. 

I slowly got back up and started walking to the stairs to go up to my room. For some reason, I thought that was a good idea. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her golden skin and blonde hair. I wanted to see the way her face lit up with the most beautiful smile. Without another thought, I started my way up the stairs. Once I reached the top, I walked over to my room. 

I gently knocked on the door a bit my lip. I was praying she wasn’t asleep. After a few moments, her voice finally answered my knock. “Come in.” I creaked ope the door and stepped in. I closed it behind me and looked at her. She was propped up against my pillows reading a book. The way my lamp hit her face made her smile glow even bigger. Fuck. What was I doing? She needed privacy. 

“Uh…” All of the sudden I felt very nervous. 

“You don’t have to knock to come into your own room,” She smiled softly and set her book in her lap. As I looked at her closer, I noticed the stuffed dog that she had ever since she was little. A small smile twitched my lips upwards.

“You still sleep with that thing?” 

“I’ve never gone a night without it since I was five,” She grinned and tried to hide the dog behind her.

“You don’t have to hide it from me. I’m not going to make fun of you,” I pointed out and sat at the edge of the bed. 

“Yes you will, I know you,” Hadley set the book on the floor as She scooted over to give me room on the bed. I wasn’t planning on sleeping in here with her, but if that’s what she wanted, I wasn’t going to argue.

“Hey look, I’m sorry about earlier today. He wasn’t treating you right and, I don’t know, it really pissed me off. I swear I haven’t been like that since the night we—“ She quickly cut me off. I wanted to smash my head against a brick wall. I knew I shouldn’t have brought up the subject. 

“It’s okay. I trust you,” Hadley looked down at her lap and bit her lip. I was a bigger fucking idiot than I ever thought.

“I’ve never really gotten the chance to apologize to you face to face since it happened. My douche-bag of a dad finally left, and that was the first time I had ever seen my mom cry. Something inside of me snapped and my feelings all went away. I swear to God that I never meant to hurt you the way I did,” I looked down at my lap, too ashamed to make eye contact with her. “The images of the night are never going to leave my head. The fact that I said those words to you still kill me to this very day. And to make matters worse, I caused you to, uh, to hurt yourself. 

“I want you to know, no matter what, that I am always here for you. I caused all this shit and, it’s up to me to fix it. There’s absolutely no excuse for what I did to you. It’s up to me to fix it.” I finally looked up after a few moments of a very awkward silence to find her sobbing into her goddamn dog. I moved over closer to her and wrapped her in my arms. I wanted to make her feel safe and loved, and I clearly wasn’t doing that.

“I’m sorry…” She sobbed into my chest, her voice full of enough pain that actually broke my own heart to hear it. 

“Don’t you even fucking dare to apologize. None of this is your fault,” I spoke into her hair, causing my voice to be muffled. 

Hadley cried into my chest for a good ten minutes before finally falling silent. I looked down at her body, expecting her to be asleep. Instead, she was staring at the wall in front of her.

“Ashton, I still love you,” Her voice broke the silence. It was enough to make my heart swell. These were the words I had been waiting a long two years to hear.