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Review: The Vestimortisヽ(^ー^ )

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Let's get started. This will be a long review because I have a lot to say (not all bad things!).

Who is the admin who did this review? You can always tell by my lovely kaomojis ♡ ～('▽^人) anyways it's me; mjfillet. 

Title: The Vestimortis

Author: AlyssaVienesseTan 

Cover: Well, I got some problems with it (._.) In the story, you said about the flower/rose being pure white and then tainted with blood, but the one on the cover... it's yellow. And on the cover, it's hard to tell that it's even a rose, you can only see yellow splotches on first glance. I would get a lighter color background so that it's not so dark. I mean, if you want a dark cover because it's a dark story I understand, but you really have to stare at the cover to tell... Anyways I would try to get that fixed. So less dark colored, and more accurate to the book descriptions. 

Summary/description: This needs a little work too. Since the main story (from what I gathered) is about the Vestimortis, you don't need to start off by mentioning the first most important event. I would either explain in one sentence what it is (eg. "Matrimortem is the most important event in all of Eriaef. But to get into that, you have to go through Vestimortis; a quest to accomplish a series of tasks to see who competes in Martimortem") or something along those lines. Try to describe Ira and Damien a little more so that they are interested in reading about these characters and not just some quest. (eg. "Ira, the bad tempered angry faerie, and Damien, the cocky pride faerie, are banned together to accomplish these tasks.") Something quick but explanatory along those lines. 

Plot: As far as the plot goes, it's interesting. You stick a lot of detail in this, and it keep everything entertained. The only problem I have is the way you started off the first chapter. It was...well, it's not needed and I imagine it turns readers off. You already explain what this Martimortem is through Ira's thoughts and such, there is no need to have that giant explanation at the top. Readers will not want to read it, and the way you word it is difficult to follow. If you are set on keeping this, have it in an "introduction" or "prologue" chapter separate. Once I got to the real meat of the plot where Ira was introduced I was good and I could keep reading no problem. I would start the chapter right off with that. 

Characters: You do a good job with this. Ira's blood thirstiness is very clear. My favorite character has to be Damien. Oh my gosh the name you picked out for him is so HUNKY. Guys guys, if any other person besides the author is reading this, get a load of this name...

'Damien Arkathe'

*stares at screen dumbfounded* This is such a great name. Good job with this. ^_^ Your names in general are creative and add to the fantasy element of the story. Okay so back to Damien (even though he isn't the main character) I love his way of speech. You did a really great job with him, and the descriptions... ah, those golden eyes of his *slaps self*. I'm sorry, I think I got a grip now. XD Anyways good job with this.

Grammar: There were some things. Not a lot, but more than just a little. It wasn't with spelling, but some times there was a period missing, or the ellipsis wasn't quite right.

I would recommend getting an editor to help you out with these little things so that you can continue in the correct format :3 

Note to add: I love that poem you had at the beginning. I stick poems at the beginning of my parts (my story is split up into part I and part II) and I love having a poem there as a sort of introduction thingy. They poem itself could be tweaked to be more interesting, but its cool if you want to leave it at that. There was something else that we both have similar...

long chapters.

It appears that your chapters are about 9-12 document pages long? I can tell this by the scroll bar because mine are exactly the same ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡ Anyways, since you are just starting out let me give you a word of advice...try to cut the chapters to be shorter. Like, it's pretty late for me, but it's not to late for you. I understand that we like to write things to be in traditional publishing format, but unless you are confident that throughout the chapter readers will be on the edge of their seats, and you are absolutely determined to get this book published someday, I would do my best to shorten them 1000-3000 word length. 

Wattpadders tend to get wary and glance at the scroll bar pretty often. I am guilty of this myself which is why took down 28+ chapters to try and work on shortening them (along with other stuff, but we're here to talk about your story not mine). Anyways don't fall into the same sad trap I did. ;-; 

Most people complain about having their chapters too short, but my friend, we write ours to what the public refer as too long. The best way to get help cutting out stuff is have a second set of eyes go through and tell you what's not needed and what you should keep. I had someone do this to my prologue (because my prologue was actually longer than the average chapters XD) and it worked great, so I recommend the same for you.

Oh oh oh! So on the happy note there is something I absolutely loved. There was this one line you used...

"he doesn't seem shabby looking."

Oh boy there is a bunch to talk about. First off, this really shows her pessimistic personality very well. It shows that she has high expectations and won't openly say something like "he's handsome". Very very great job on this. Also! I loved why you used this line as well, and you didn't use the same cheesy overused line "he's strikingly handsome" or something like that. Ah, I literally got so excited when I read this line. If you were my kid I'd pat you on the head and bake you a cake or something I dunno XD XD XD.

All and all it this was a good read. It needs work here and there, but you are very detailed and the characters are great (still hasn't gotten over 'he-who-I-should-avoid-naming-for-blushes-sake'). I hope my tips were helpful and that you continue on writing and improving. Good luck! 

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