Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 8

Nick and Jake return to school for second semester. Some time passes and then Jake calls and invites Brian and I to Guelph for dinner. He has forgotten some things at home and we agree to bring them with us. Our role now seems very superficial; the brief closeness I felt during our trip home from Mexico has quickly waned, and Jake has been distant, with little communication until now.

When asked about school Jake claims to be very focused on his studies and says the workload has increased. He is not jubilant or excited; he just seems to be going through the motions. We exchange paperwork and computer supplies and then drive away, not suspecting that Jake could be having problems dealing with school.

Jake comes to our family home for back-to-back Family Day weekend and Reading Week in February. He seems happier and relieved to have a break. We spend little time together, though, and Jake shares that he's glad that Brian and I have been able to spend more time with each other, as empty nesters. I have created a life for myself outside of motherhood, and am also very active with work, friends, and my community. Over the course of the week I do notice that Jake is spending a lot of time in his bedroom and on his computer, late at night, playing video games, seemingly non-stop. I'm a little annoyed by it, but let the fact that I'm happy to have him home override my frustration. I say nothing. After all, he's an adult now, and just a visitor in our home. I seem to have little say in his life now. Although I do understand the need for us to create some separation and space from each other, I am feeling sad and disconnected, and somewhat confused as to what my role as a mother now is. There is less hands-on nurturing and guidance, but he is still my son, and there is still a need to partner and be supportive. I am still struggling with both Nick and Jake to define what this now means, and I have to admit to myself that I feel a bit lost.

In March, after spending another weekend with Jake at home, I approach him about his exam schedule, and realize suddenly that he will be done his first year of university by April 10th. The time has flown by quickly. I feel satisfied that Jake's first year appears to be a success, despite the changes I have noticed in his behaviour over the course of the two semesters. It is not just his tenacious and petulant attitude towards me that has been bothersome. There were times in second semester I would drive to Guelph to pick him up and he would still be sleeping in the early or late afternoon, not being ready for pick-up. He started to appear at his door with a terrible body odour, even his clothing smelled, and his hair was greasy. I thought it was odd that he would let his grooming slip, but I also remembered that as a small boy he always hated bathing, and he had a lax attitude about how he looked. I thought maybe he was regressing a bit. After all, he was really busy with his studies and staying up late to finish assignments on time; perhaps he had just reverted to his boyish habits. Thinking it is the right thing to do, I choose to step back and allow him to grow at his pace and under his terms. The nurturer in me wants to coddle and check in with Jake more often, reminding him to manage his time better. But my need to prove that I can let go supersedes this urge. I wonder to myself if, in my need to please Jake, I may perhaps be ignoring the warning signs of a storm to come.

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