Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 26

 It's now February and our plans for returning Jake to residence with Nick are delayed due to a huge winter storm that brought 20 centimetres of snow. All schools are closed, including universities. For the entire time that Nick attended, I don't ever remember the university closing classes. The consequence is that we have another day of togetherness at home, something I always love. Honestly, I think that this kind of closeness with my family is what fuels my spirit the most; it keeps me grounded and makes everything in the world feel right. Thankfully, the snowstorm didn't create any power outages in the area, so I am able to get into my kitchen to make two hearty winter soups, and start a lovely dinner in the slow cooker. Board games are brought out to play, and Nick and Jake also take some time for playing table tennis. I enjoy hearing the Ping-Pong ball bouncing back and forth below me on the table in the basement, as well as their laughter. I am reminded once again how blessed I am to have raised two sons who not only respect and love each other, but also really like each other's company. My own childhood home with my three brothers was often filled with irritation and verbal and physical fighting. After dinner the weather is calm, and Brian and I decide that it is clear enough to drive the guys to the university. Jake has early morning classes the next day, so they can start their routine in the morning, already in residence.

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Four days at home, free of my responsibilities with Jake, feels like a mini vacation. Not that I am ready to shirk my duties as a parent, now, but 24/7 can be a long haul when that time is filled with so much worry. I'm not sure that if I continued without a break like this that I'd be able to fully give Jake all that he needs from me. It is really important that I have this time to re-charge. I take this time to catch up with the household chores and my business, as well as some time with Brian and with friends, without the need to continuously check in with Jake. I know and trust that he is in very good hands and having fun with his brother. This arrangement is a great opportunity for Jake to see how it feels to be living in his new residence while attending classes. It's the next step towards him eventually living there without his brother shadowing his moves.

I have an easy drive back to the university on the Friday afternoon when I return to pick up Nick and Jake and bring them home for the weekend. They both look happy and they tell me that they have had an entertaining and productive week. I have no doubt that their week had been filled with much joy and laughter, as is usually the case when they get together. Jake attended all of his classes and lectures, some of which Nick sat in on. During their down time, when Jake didn't have homework assignments, they played table tennis. Jake met up with a couple of his friends from secondary school who also attend Guelph University, and made plans with one of them to start playing squash at the recreation centre. He also attended a residence meeting, with the encouragement of his brother, but says that he didn't make any connections there. Nick makes jokes about how cold and uncomfortable the floor was, as he slept in a sleeping bag all week, and that we should all really have an appreciation for the sacrifice he made. His efforts during the week are definitely appreciated, in more ways than he can understand. Jake tells me that having Nick with him provided the momentum to do some of the things he hadn't been able to muster up the motivation to do on his own. Nick also provided another accountability factor that Jake now sees as so necessary to keep him going. He also mentions that he feels much less anxious, and that he would like to spend the following week on his own in residence. This moment is huge!

I'm willing to agree to give this a try next week, and will re-visit the plan the following Friday to modify it, if necessary. Jake will still need to come home most weekends, as he continues to work part-time at the pub, and wants to continue to snowboard at the resort that is close to home. Although I feel quite nervous about it, I understand that I do need to give Jake the liberty and space to show me he is making strides in the work he's put into this semester, so far. It's important that he starts to feel that he has more control of things now and can begin to manage them on his own. Although this had become a situation so critical that I had to monitor and control it closely, I am careful not to have it overtake me, and become a jumping off point of paranoia and parental policing. I remind myself often that he is an adult, and if I push too hard, he can push back. The words "Helicopter Parent" hover closely in my mind, and I am very aware that my tendency to control too much can develop an out-of-control momentum. It is a time for me to take a leap of faith and show Jake that I believe that he is capable, and so I agree with his plan.