Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 32

A new week begins and the numbness slowly begins to dissipate. The reality of Barb's parting leaves me with a heavy, nauseous feeling in my stomach. There will be no more visits to Barb in her condo, no more of her house concerts or dinners together, and she will not be in attendance at her annual summer barbeque, which we have decided to continue. We had thirty years of friendship and I still want more. Now, the process must begin to move forward and I'll need to get on with my day-to-day living, but with such a heavy heart. My life has been touched in such a way that I will never feel the same again. I am hungry, and yet full.

At the end of the month we leave for a family trip. At the time that we planned this journey we had no idea just how much it would be needed. This holiday is a time to bond together privately, to take a temporary break from the sombre reality of loss, to pause and create something new and meaningful. Traveling together on vacation is good medicine for our family.

We fly to Paris, France to begin an eight-day adventure exploring new territories. Our family has travelled together many times since Nick and Jake were very young. The guys have always navigated each journey with ease, like it is second nature to them. Interestingly, our last trip with the four of us together was our journey to Barcelona, Spain just a few short days after we'd quite unexpectedly lost our little dog, Thunder. And although the timing was not good, it did set the tone to begin the healing process. Grief is very hard on the body as well as the psyche, and being able to take this time to relax and self-nurture is definitely a gift. As time goes on, and Nick and Jake paired off with partners and then families of their own, our family-of-four vacations will be a thing of the past. So I appreciate this opportunity all the more.

The initial plan for our holiday time was to have it split between time spent as a family, some couple time for Brian and I, and time for Jake and Nick to explore on their own. Unexpectedly, we share more of it all together. We also divide the trip between France and Belgium. After landing in Paris, we rent a car and drive to Ypres. We share a large rental home, and travel by car through the countryside to visit many of the war memorials and cathedrals, and devour some amazing Belgium waffles and chocolates. In contrast, when we return to Paris, we rent an apartment downtown and opt to use the transit system and do more walking. Brian and I attend the French Open for a day, which was on our personal bucket list. We'd like to eventually see all of the tennis grand slams around the world. We also have a night at the opera, which is something I enjoy, and that we haven't done in a number of years. Brian and I have both been to Paris before, but never together. This trip to Paris is a first for Nick and Jake, so they spend their time exploring much of it on their own. Visiting Belgium is a first for all four of us.

We return home several days later, feeling refreshed and ready to carry on with routine. Nick has a business trip and must turn around and fly to New York the next morning, and Jake will return to his summer job. There's very little time to worry about jet lag until the weekend arrives in a couple of days, and then we can all crash and try to catch up on sleep. I spend some much-needed time in my gardens, as spring is now upon us, and there is still so much to get done. I organize an annual garden party each year in June, and it's important to me that our property looks well-tended and inviting for my guests. I accomplish much in a few short days and then feel quite exhausted. Lucky for me, the spring rain comes and I get a few days reprieve.

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Upon my return trip from Europe, I get a message from Iris, asking me to call her. I worry that something is wrong, and call back immediately. Iris assures me that everything is fine. She has had a conversation recently with her daughter, Lynn, and it was suggested to her that she take on a houseguest in her new home. She knows that Jake attends school in Guelph, where she lives, and she thinks he would be a wonderful guest. She even offers to cook for him. She is also well aware of the difficulties Jake had last year, and for me the idea of Iris providing her home, her food, and her lovely company might be just the support that Jake needs to have a better start to his full year of school in September. Iris is still mourning the loss of her daughter, and I worry that this may be too much for her. She assures me that it will be okay. Perhaps having company in her home will help her to cope a little easier. The invitation sounds perfect for both Iris and Jake! But of course, it is the mother in me who wants something that sounds so good for Jake. I know that he adores Iris and her family, but I'm not sure that he would prefer this living arrangement to returning to residence. I know what I would choose for Jake, but this is not my decision. So, I thank Iris for her amazing offer, and tell her that I will ask Jake how he feels about it and get back to her soon.