Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 10

Mid-April my husband and I return to Guelph, load Jake's belongings into our vehicle, and bring him to our home for the summer. He offers to take us out to his favourite restaurant and pay for a celebratory dinner that night; we are so touched. This gesture seems so grown up and we accept. Over dinner, Jake tells us that his first year at Guelph U has been a success and that he has passed all of his courses. He has decided that he will work at the pub as their dishwasher for the summer and that he has already requested more hours from his boss. He is only given one weeknight and weekend shifts at first, and I assume this will pick up when the outdoor patio opens in warmer weather.

In the meantime Jake prepares for a very important trip he is taking to meet up with a friend whom he met online back when he was twelve years old. They have nurtured their friendship over the Internet for six years now, and are going to meet for the first time, in person, in Japan. Brian and I are not naïve about this, and have done our homework, having already established contact with this friend and his family, and feel confident that this will be a safe adventure. We are excited about Jake travelling alone for the first time, and believe that it will be an excellent experience for him.

Jake continues to stay up late playing video games and starts sleeping through the day, awaking late afternoon most days. I let it slide for a bit, thinking he needs a break from routine after a year away at university. By May I start noticing that Jake's body is very twitchy, and he seems quite agitated. He says that his neck is really bothering him, so I arrange for him to have treatments with a chiropractor. After a few appointments he tells me he feels it is helping, but he's still shaky and edgy. I assume it is the nervousness about his first trip on his own, to a place quite far away. Again, I let it slide.

Mid-May Jake leaves for Tokyo, Japan. A day after he leaves we hear that he has arrived safely, and as his trip unfolds he keeps us posted with emails and photographs of various landmarks they are visiting. He sounds happy and we are delighted for him. I am especially pleased and surprised that Jake is communicating so much while away, a far cry from the cooler shoulder I received while he was attending school. I'm not going to lie, I had all of the normal worries any parent would have, from Jake losing his passport to the guys being pickpocketed or worse, getting hurt. I stayed in touch with Jake's friend's mother via email the entire time, and we helped each other to stay positive about the journey.

Eleven days later Jake returns from his trip, ecstatic and super confident for having taken this very big holiday, without us. We are so proud for him for handling himself so well on this first solo journey. He tells us all about it. We're relieved that he's home, and that the holiday was such a great experience.

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In June, despite my urgings, Jake is still not actively looking for more summer work, and is only working part time at the pub. He's opened up and is communicating much more, suddenly delightful company, helping me with some gardening and coming along to help with errands, and I am enjoying our conversations. The mood between us seems to have lightened since he's returned home from Japan. He is still spending much more time than I am happy with, playing a lot of video games and talking with friends online into the early morning hours.

I eventually broach the subject and he becomes furious with me, and justifies his behaviour by yelling at me, "This will be my last free time before university co-op kicks in. Then I will either work or be in school every summer, and I just want to be able to enjoy myself."

His outburst catches me by surprise, but I do understand what he is trying to convey. I know that once he finishes school and begins to work full time that there will be no more of these four-month breaks and playtime will be reduced considerably. I share this conversation with Brian and he agrees that there's no need to push Jake, and to let him have his last easy summer. I don't want to sever the calm Jake and I have been experiencing in our relationship lately, and so I relent. But something inside me is questioning my better judgement. I'm uncomfortable with the relentless hours he's spending online. I keep telling myself that he's an adult, after all, and isn't this when I should back off and allow my adult child to spread his wings and fly? Brian's mother was overprotective and constantly telling him what to do, and continues to try to do so now. He wants me to back off and leave Jake to make his own decisions, just as he wishes his own mother would do. My parents were the exact opposite and became aloof in their approach to parenting once I turned eighteen, so I am torn. I am constantly questioning just how much I should push and encourage and how much I should just let go of. My husband and I are contributing to some of the cost of Jake's university education, and he is living under our roof, so we have rights. Do we treat him as a rent-free boarder and have no expectations? He has been helping around the house and he has been speaking more kindly. He's not doing drugs, or drinking a lot of alcohol, and he's not involved in criminal activity; he's an intelligent and decent young man. I quiet the discontent inside of me, and somehow convince myself to loosen the reigns.

Throughout the rest of the summer Jake makes an effort to be more social when he's not connected online to his computer. He visits with his brother in the city, he plays a little tennis with his dad and they see a professional baseball game together. He opts out of volunteering at the tennis masters tournament this year, complaining that the heat is too much for him. His brother also chooses to miss it, so it's not a big deal. Jake helps set up for a milestone celebration for his grandmother's 100th birthday, and is his usual charming and delightful self at the party. Jake spends some time on errands with me and we always have fantastic conversations, always mixed with our serious thoughts and with humour. I love how deeply Jake thinks and feels, and I enjoy his company immensely. He can make me be more reflective and he can make me laugh out loud. He is never late for his work shifts and works with great enthusiasm on the job. He is loved by the staff.

In July I take Jake to the orthodontist for a consultation for braces, and then in August he has them installed. This is a very exciting moment for Jake, as he has been unhappy with his teeth and the shape of his mouth for a long time. In August Brian and I make an impulsive decision to adopt a pair of small dogs from the local pound. We bring them home and Jake is so happy. He has missed his little Yorkie who passed over a year ago. The dogs give him a new purpose, and he starts helping me with training, which ultimately gets Jake on a better daytime routine, with fewer late nights on his computer. At the end of August Jake and his brother prepare for me a delicious, early birthday dinner, before Jake is to head back into university residence. It's a fabulous night, Myles has joined us, the dinner is exceptional, and I am filled with love and attention from both of my sons. It feels like things are momentarily settled and it's good between us at last. It is my deepest desire that this moment of peace and satisfaction will last, but I am not certain it can.   

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