Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 18

I have always been an empathic person, and as a result I have a keen awareness of other people's emotions, without them expressing them to me in words or actions. I can be standing next to a stranger and feel the energy around them, whether it is tension or deep pain, even if we don't speak a word to each other. I think we all have the ability to read people in this way, if we pay close attention. The best example I can give is this: you're in a room with your friend or significant other, and you feel like they might be upset with you. Something just doesn't feel right. You ask them if they are okay, and they tell you that they are. But, somehow you just sense that they are not. You can't put a finger on it, but you just have this knowing. And later on you learn that they were upset, but they were just not willing to share it with you. You were right. Through these kinds of observation I have learned that we all emit energy, good or bad, hot or cold, happy or angry. Just as I am often aware of other people's energy, I am also cognizant of the energy that I am putting out there. I am a strong believer that what you send out will always come back to you, mirrored. And for me personally, I have come to realize that when I am operating from a place of integrity and when I behave with the best and most loving intentions, then my energy is great. And when I slip up and come from a place of selfishness or self-righteousness, then my energy is low and dark. We all have those moments when the scales tip to one extreme or the other. Sometimes I can get so anxious, sad, or frustrated that my energy feels almost depleted, while other times I am so elated and joyful that my energy is running high and on full throttle. My goal is to always strive to get to that place where I feel a sense of calm, peace, and satisfaction, but it can take a few steps to arrive there, and sometimes a little longer than I'd like it to take. It takes practice to find the right balance. In a crisis, when emotions can run high and things can get out of control pretty quickly, initially I don't deny myself from feeling whatever feelings arise. I give myself permission to have a bit of a pity party. I cry, scream, or whine, or I journal all of my negative emotions, writing and getting everything off my chest until it's all out there, on paper. And then eventually I make myself stop and switch gears, and I begin the work of centering and grounding myself again. I start to remember all that I have, all that I am blessed with and grateful for, and I either list it in my head or I write it down. I do this for as long as it takes, until I return to a place of love. Instead of shaking my fist at the universe and asking why, I then say thank you. During those times that it doesn't work and I can't seem to pull out of the funk, I call on someone else to support me through it, to remember for me, and steer me in a more positive direction. Thoughtful and caring friends and family members can be a great source for lifting me up when my inner strength is depleted. Spiritual leaders, counselors, and energy workers can also help. I have sought assistance from all of the above at various times in my life. I can't say what's best for others, but this is what works for me. I gauge what is needed as I am presented with life's adversity. I try to remain grounded and solid, but I am at peace when I fall apart and need to ask for help; there is strength in both.

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In December I receive a call from Myles; she is distraught and needs comfort. She tells me that she and Nick are splitting up. Just as Jake's email in November takes me off guard, this information strikes me like a bat to the side of the head. I didn't see this coming and I am heartbroken for both of them. I can't take sides. I can't stop the break-up. But I can sit with each of them individually and hear each side, and so I do. A long story unravels, and I see that this relationship was a train wreck waiting to happen. Neither of them had come forward or asked for help with their relationship issues, and Nick especially didn't feel that he could have burdened me with them. I feel a failure as a mother, once again, for not realizing that he was feeling troubled and needed me. And I start to now understand his anger and his pulling away from me for the past many months. Nick has always seemed so fiercely independent, which has left me with a false sense of security. I assumed he wouldn't need me so much. I have let him down, too. I feel emotionally-beaten and overpowered, like my life is moving down a steep slope and I can't stop the momentum. This break-up just can't be happening. But it is, and I need to be strong, really strong. I can't waste time beating myself up for not seeing this coming, and offering support to Nick sooner. I have to pick myself up and push my way through. Both Nick and Jake need my strength and understanding now, and that is where my loyalties must land.

I tell Nick that I understand how things went wrong, and how sorry he felt he couldn't speak with me about it. He must have felt alone in his pain. This evening I let him talk as much as he needs to and for as long as he needs to. It is as though a dam had broken to let the water burst through. Nick has so much to say, and his talking unravels months of repressed emotion. This disclosure, in a sense, starts some release of the anger that he'd directed at me a year ago, and suddenly instead of shutting me out, as he had, he is welcoming me back into his life. Even though I adore Myles and her family, and it will be painful to say good-bye, Nick's well-being and my kinship with him is far more important. We have some healing of our own to do in repairing our broken relationship.

Jake continues with weekly counselling, continues to exercise and eat well, and has gained back a lot of the weight he'd lost while at school. Things look positive, although for me there seems to be a gnawing fear close to the surface. I push it down, and replace with it happier thoughts, planning a nice Christmas break.

Nick comes home for Christmas without Myles. I feel my own sadness and loss in not having her here with us, but I understand that being single again is what is best for Nick now. I will take the time needed to grieve, but not while Nick is around. I deal with my disappointment in private.

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On Christmas day we have a fabulously-relaxed morning with our gift exchange, followed by a home-cooked brunch. We remain home for the day, and Brian prepares us a beautiful roast beef dinner and an evening of board games and cards. I know it may sound old-fashioned and corny, but for me, there is no better time than time with my family, playing and having fun.

Boxing Day brings enough snow in the area for snowboarding at the local resort, and nothing could make Jake happier! He and Nick get up and hit the slopes early with plans to board all day. They tell me via text message that the conditions are great and there is hardly anyone else at the resort, so the guys are able to enjoy short line-ups on the lifts. They return home later that afternoon exhilarated that they'd gotten in about forty great runs. I imagine this day of free time to play was cathartic for them, each in his own way.

Nick returns to the city the next day, and Jake has friends from out of town arriving for a visit. His long time online friend, Eren, is visiting from the U.K., along with his long distance girlfriend Robyn, who is from the New Jersey. They have both driven to our home in Canada to stay for a few days. Jake and Eren haven't seen each other since their trip to Japan. They have a great time together; Jake takes them snowboarding and into Toronto, and they spend New Year's Eve together in our home, while Brian and I attend my cousin's wedding and stay overnight in a hotel. It's a fun way to end the last part of 2014. I say a prayer of gratitude for all of the many blessings I have received, and ask for continued support for myself and my family in the New Year. Jake has worked hard with his counselor. He has shown that he wants to return to school and work towards getting his degree, and I tell myself that the plans we have implemented thus far should flow with ease. I recall having this same feeling when we launched Jake on his first year of university, and am reminded at just how wrong I could have been. I know now to proceed, with caution.

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