Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 29

The following week at school is difficult for Jake, and he makes some avoidable mistakes. He has a tough time staying on task with school assignments. It should by all accounts be easier for Jake to get his work done, now that he is not playing video games late into the night, but it creates the opposite result. Being at school full-time through the week, and only having a part-time course load, has resulted in Jake having far too much empty time to fill. I recall a conversation we had earlier this school term when he explained to me that when he's alone, he has a hard time turning off his brain, and so he looks for mindless things to do to temporarily shut it down. I understand this; I too have a brain that seems to be in chronic spin cycle. I try to turn it off by reading a book or watching a movie. Exercise and playing tennis helps, too. Jake discovered that gaming and watching videos online provided this outlet, but he had then gotten locked into them and the hyper focus they demand, which ended up exhausting his brain. Jake has apparently been filling far too much free time with this game on his cell phone. I have suggested that he find other healthier things to fill his time with, but he has struggled to make this work on his own. I certainly can't attend recreational activities with him at school; that would be social suicide for him. He's tried to join clubs on his own, but the timing of these hasn't always worked out with his schedule. And because he essentially locked himself into his residence, away from social interaction in first semester, and he's coming home every weekend, it's a struggle to create friendships within a formal social structure. I really do feel for him, and I wonder if university life is ever going to feel "normal". For Jake, making friends and having healthy social outlets is definitely a big part of it, and one of the missing links right now.

Time management has never been Jake's strong point, and the next time we have a chance to talk, face to face, I ask Jake what he thinks is essentially his biggest issue in moving forward with more ease. Once again, I am blown away by his candour.

Jake replies, "It's really hard. I just don't want to do all of the work; I'd rather just play."

"That's the most honest thing you've told me through all of this," I say. "I have days when I feel exactly the same way. Everyone does. There are times when I know that laundry and housekeeping, or office paperwork is waiting for me, but I'd much rather grab my tennis racquet and go play some doubles, or arrange lunch with a friend. Working all of the time is tough, and not making time to play makes it even harder."

Jake seems pleasantly surprised by this, and I continue, "There comes a time when one understands that grinding through to get the work done, can be rewarded eventually with play time. This kind of thinking comes with maturity. There will always be those tasks that aren't our favourites, and can be downright boring, but they have to get done. It's really about finding a balance. This lesson is not one that I can teach you; it's something you will, over time, figure out how to manage, yourself."

My role in this moment is to let him know that I completely understand, and I appreciate his frankness. I tell him that what he is experiencing is completely "normal". I hope it helps, and only time will tell.

It is at this time that I start to consider writing about Jake's story. There have been so many ups and downs, so many twists and turns, so much learning. And as I have evolved through it, I have had several conversations with other mothers, mostly friends, family members, and some of those in my business network circle. The overall theme seems to be the same for everyone, and the question remains: How do we transition from parenting our child to parenting our adult child? And how do we meet their individual needs, especially during times of crisis? I seem to have started the conversation, in my quest to seek answers, but like me, every mother seems to be just blundering along, and trying to sort it out as it presents itself. No one seems to have the answers, and up until now, no one seemed to be talking about it either. I feel it may be time to put it down on paper, in the form of a story, and create an opportunity for both reflection and dialogue. I know that it is not just an issue for mothers; fathers can feel the same helplessness in this phase of parenting, but so far I have spoken mostly with women. We need to talk about this parenting transition. Awareness needs to be created so that we can formulate a healthier framework in which to move forward. We, as parents, are responsible for digging deep inside and awakening to an understanding of what it will take to shift from a momentum of constant supervision and management to one of facilitating independence, even after the age of consent. No easy feat, but a necessary one.

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Jake has finally been assigned a peer support student who will check in with him as needed. It would have been ideal to have this in place sooner, but as it requires a student volunteer to step away from their own workload, it's not an easy system to arrange. Better late than never, and after the last couple of weeks, with Jake missing classes and losing focus, the timing couldn't actually be better. Jake is now down to the wire with finishing assignments and then preparing to study for final exams, so it's key that he remains fixed on completing his three courses. Having an older student to mentor him and help him to organize his time is greatly appreciated now. Jake tells me he finds the meetings are very helpful.

It's great that Jake has another set of eyes checking in on him to provide a strategy for helping him reach his school targets. It turns out that I have been invited to a family wedding which will take place in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, at the beginning of April. Iris's daughter, and Barb's sister, Christine, is marrying her sweetheart, Ron, and because the family means so much to me, I have also offered to take the wedding photographs, as my gift. I haven't photographed a wedding before, I have done mostly professional headshots, and a few family photos, but I am quite excited about this project. Photography has been a hobby of mine for quite some time, and over the last few years it has begun to develop into a small business. This wedding will be a great experience to test and expand my creativity. Weddings would normally be far more pressure for me than I'd be willing to take on, but this will be a small and casual affair, and I feel completely comfortable in offering. Having said that, it's still extremely important for me to do a really great job and capture the essence of the day and their love for one another. I am quite excited about this opportunity, and am thrilled to be a part of this family occasion.

I am also anxious about leaving Jake on his own, but by the time I will be on the airplane to leave for the Dominican Republic, Jake will be on his last two days of classes and lectures, after which Brian has agreed to step in and bring him home until exams begin. I assume that I will have Internet connection at the resort, and that Jake can stay in touch with me, if required. It is not just that I am concerned about Jake completing his year and assignments; I worry also that once he is home and without my supervision, he may be tempted to fall back upon excess video gaming again. I know that I need and deserve this break. It would have been nice to have Brian come along with me, but he can't get the time off work, and I need to have his all-important parental guidance in place for Jake so that I can feel a sense of calm.

I leave early in the morning for my trip, with wedding clothes, bathing suit, and my camera equipment in tow. I am happy but nervous to be temporarily saying good-bye to all of my responsibilities at home, and to enjoy some sunshine and heat with friends. Not all of Christine's sisters are able to make the trip, but Mom, Iris, Lynn, and Alison and her family join us. Sisters Barb and Chella are unable to travel at this time. Ron's sons are also along, as well as another family friend, Sue. It's a nice small group and Ron and Christine make a concerted effort to have us spend as much of our time together as possible during the five days. We eat breakfast and dinner as a group, play beach volleyball and tennis matches, as well as spend time at the resort's waterpark. I learn on the first day that Internet reception is poor, and decide to surrender all of my concerns to Brian, back home, and allow myself this much needed reprieve. It's a challenge at first to let go, but as I realize how cathartic this break could be for me, I soon succumb to the heat and sun and absolutely no maternal responsibilities. The wedding is beautiful and I enjoy, immensely, the opportunity to photograph the entire event. It's so unbelievably nice to be away, that the thought of going home so soon is a tad depressing for me. However, the short trip comes to an end and I'm soon returning home. I arrive late at night at the airport in Toronto, and am greeted by both Jake and Brian. It's really nice to see them, but feels strangely unfamiliar to be home already. The trip just seemed to be a blur of activity and fun, a bit of a whirlwind, and some beach vacation fantasy. The days passed far too rapidly. Now, back to my responsibility as a wife and mother again. 

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