Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 36

In all the kerfuffle, we are temporarily-diverted from our concerns for Jake. Thankfully, he has Iris in his corner. By the end of September Brian feels strong enough to take a visit with me to Guelph, and we have dinner with both Iris and Jake. Our son looks happy, and he tells us that school is going well. He has made some new friends in his program and is doing a large group project in his computer design class. He is also enjoying his English elective. Iris has created a great living space for Jake in her basement, and so he has privacy when he needs it, and a large work space for doing homework assignments. Although I am dealing with Brian's recovery and making the best of our new living arrangements, I still make time to stay in touch with Jake via email and text. I notice that he responds with more promptness and regularity than first semester one year ago, and I take this as a good sign. It is a completely different experience to have healthier communication with Jake and one that is so welcome, especially now.

In early October Nick comes to visit and spends a weekend in Guelph with Jake. We join them on the Saturday evening and the two of them prepare a fantastic birthday dinner for Brian. And on the Thanksgiving weekend both Nick and Jake stay in a room at the hotel where we are now residing. We celebrate both Thanksgiving and Jake's birthday together. We say good-bye to the teen years, and hello to a new decade, as Jake is now twenty years old. He's two years into adulthood, and seems to be maturing in leaps and bounds.

The flood restoration drags on well beyond projections, and it takes close supervision by Brian to keep it moving forward. The contractor and workers make many mistakes, resulting in delay after delay. It becomes quite taxing, and I worry about Brian's health, again. My business takes a back seat, and I see clients only if they are local and if they are willing for me to make a house call. I am so blessed for my clients' patience, understanding and flexibility, despite the inconvenience the flood has presented. I have many more hours now for writing, and so I shift my focus to that, while always keeping one eye on Jake, ready and available, as needed.

As the mid-term period at school unfolds, Jake mentions that the assignment deadlines and his mid-term tests are fast approaching. At this point I am assuming that he is managing well and am hoping that he can handle this next expectation.

As more time passes I start to hear less and less from Jake through text and email, and that triggers worrisome memories, and my mind starts to go to places that I really don't welcome visiting. At times, during my writing process, I find myself feeling some of the same emotions I had experienced at the time of those terrifying events. I get panicked and uneasy, and I sometimes have to check in with Jake just for some momentary reassurance that he's fine. Today is one of those days, so I send Jake a text that reads:

You haven't been sharing as much as you normally do, and that sends little alarm bells off inside of me. It's especially hard when I am writing about your past. You okay? xo

Jake replies immediately:

Yeah, I'm just kind of stressed with the last of my projects and midterm coming up Friday. I met with my Special Needs Advisor today, told her how I was doing and what I was doing to handle things. She thought I was doing a fantastic job, but also told me not to beat myself up over feeling drained during my down time and not wanting to do my hobbies due to such fatigue. I've been upset with myself because I've been writing, drawing, and programming for myself lately, and just want to relax and watch videos or something, shut down my brain for a bit. I then attribute that to being bad, based on my time in university before and my time with Nick, where I had to do productive things after work every day. If I didn't, and watched a couple videos (even just one video), he would get on my case, worrying about how I may be slipping back into spiralling downwards. It's put a lot of extra stress on my head, and my advisor told me that sometimes it's alright to just power down, because you need it. I really need to rest, my head is tingling and buzzing and won't stop, it's driving me up the wall. But I just have to get through the last couple of questions of this assignment, write the midterm, and work on the new assignment in data structures that'll come out tomorrow, build the skeleton for my software design project, start thinking about my English essay that'll be coming up soon, do the new micro computing assignment, read two novels - It's endless, it really is. I just want to play a game, or watch something mindless. I want to be me, do the things I want to do, but I don't have the time. I can't write, except on the bus, but only if I can get my mind off everything else. I can't play video games because you'll get upset and I don't want to worry you. I can't draw because that requires multiple HOURS of free time. I don't want to do programming for myself, because I'm doing that in Python, and I already have to balance working in Java, learning assembler and relearning C. The last thing I need is another programming language to muddle my thoughts. Thank God I have music to listen to, because it feels like the last damn freedom I have. I feel shackled, to be honest. I've felt shackled since gaming was taken away from me. Not because of an addiction to games, but it's like telling a kid they can no longer play their favourite sport. It's a pastime I really REALY enjoy, and I can't partake. I know why, I understand the dangers and that I don't have the time, but do you have any idea how stressful it is to think that if I do one of the things I enjoy most, my family will lose their shit on me? You'll worry, and start asking me incessantly if the games are ruining my life, because of how things went before, and Nick will just be disappointed, and I'm sure dad has an opinion he doesn't voice to me about it.