Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 40

During the course of this past year, I would often share my parenting experience with others in hopes of being a voice for those who were suffering in silence, and to start a very necessary conversation. I sensed that other mothers and fathers had to be struggling with some of these same issues, and I wanted to know how they were managing, or not. I was also looking for some of the support I needed to keep me going with this enormous task. I heard so many stories of parents, especially mothers, who felt the same frustrations, the same concerns, and who were so grateful to be able to share with me. There were stories of heartbreak, failure, and estrangement. Sadly, there were people who knew of a family whose child took their own life. But there were also encouraging stories of great achievement.

Many other parents were fully on board with my parenting methodology; taking Jake to counselling and to fitness classes, changing his diet, adding herbal remedies to his daily regime, and driving him back and forth to school, or removing him from school entirely. They understood the concept that parenting changes with a child's adulthood, and that it's a different and unique experience for each family. We don't share it with each other enough, and instead we suffer and stumble along in silence. Some well-meaning folks would tell me to medicate my son, or to consider removing Jake from university altogether. I would, at times, hear the statement, "Maybe university isn't for Jake." And of course there were desperate and trying times when I considered both of these options. Jake and I looked at and discussed the many choices. And I would ask him often if getting a degree was what he wanted. His answer was always the same; it was a definitive yes. My personal opinion, right from the start of Jake's education experience, was that just because the school curriculum and programming wasn't set up in a way that Jake could navigate with ease, it didn't mean he didn't deserve to be there and get an education that would advance his future goals. My feeling is that if you can't go up, then you just have to go around or through; you find a way to work through challenges.

For many students, living in residence or in a rental complex with other students, brings them their ideal sense of freedom, and gives them an opportunity to share and socialize with roommates. For Jake, a place of solitude and the supervision and care of an adult, be it myself or Iris, is a much better environment for him to stay focused on school, at this time.

For a lot of students, having any involvement by their parents while at university would be mortifying. And being seen at the counselling center might fill another young person with shame. Thankfully, Jake isn't one of those people. He eventually latched onto what he saw as a life raft in me and in the school's student services, and used that to get himself back in the game when no other options were working. As a result he was able to find his way, and learn how to be independent with as much support as was available. There is grace in humility and in honesty, and no shame should ever be attached to getting lost while looking to find one's way. And there is always a way. I believe that is the lesson Jake taught me and everyone who has been privy to his journey.

I hope my story reaches other parents who are embarking on this post-secondary experience with their child, or who may be in the midst of it already. Start a conversation with other parents, listen and learn. In sharing, I hope that you find a way, not necessarily my way, but a way to reach out and open a dialogue with your son or daughter, and help to ease their discomfort or struggles in early adulthood. Keep your eyes and ears wide open and trust your intuition. Don't be afraid to impose your authority, as needed.

Although I wished I'd known sooner, I am now aware of who is at risk for depression, anxiety, and addiction, and what signs I could have looked for that indicated that Jake was struggling. I also wish I'd realized how some of my behavior, as a parent, wasn't modelling what I was trying to convey, as I was raising Nick and Jake. I had told both my sons that I would always have their backs, that they could call me at any time, day or night, if they were in need of help. I even said that they could call if they were in any kind of legal trouble. And I meant it. However, I also voiced, often that I had no tolerance for lying. This left Jake, in particular, very confused about opening up to me. While he wanted so desperately to figure out a solution on his own, he felt it necessary to lie to me and not draw any attention to the fact that there was a problem.

We, as parents have been taught to tell our children not to speak with strangers from the time they are very young. We also ask that they keep family issues close to home and not discuss personal conflict and affairs with anyone outside of our immediate family. I grew up with the expression that "we just don't air our dirty laundry with others". And then we wonder why our adult kids don't seek the help of a counsellor when they are having emotional difficulties while away at school. We inadvertently attach a sense of shame to the idea of sharing one's innermost feelings with someone who is not family. This is a great dis-service to our children. In retrospect, I would have encouraged counselling and given permission to Nick and Jake to seek help, if they ever needed it, before I launched them off to university.

My children grew up in an environment where my husband and I modelled independence, while also showing the importance of lending a hand to others in need. I am a health practitioner; clients come to me for support and guidance. My husband didn't like to ask for the service of others, and instead would read and study the how-to for fixing anything that needed repair in our home. He grew up in a family that taught him to be wary and untrusting of others, and then without realizing it, he passed this message along to our sons. We encouraged the boys to do volunteer work, and during the holiday season we would take them to soup kitchens to work alongside us on Christmas Day. This was normal for them, and although it taught them the value of kindness, it also gave them a false sense of security. How can one ask for help, when one has learned that they are the helper?

I see now, so very clearly that some of our communication was very confusing. In hindsight, I would have paid more attention to giving my sons the skills to recognize when they were struggling, and the freedom and permission to share their needs, and ask for help. There is great importance in teaching the lesson that requiring the aid of others is not a sign of weakness, but rather one of great strength.

Telling one's child not to be afraid of failing or asking for help and seeking counsel, at any age, is vital to their well-being. There is a great deal of learning through failure. It provides one the clarity to seek a solution and another path that may be more suitable. This experience can provide an environment for personal growth. There is no shame in feeling sadness, anxiety, and frustration. Just as we celebrate and reward our good feelings, it is equally as important to acknowledge our negative ones. They are a gift; they are there to show us that a shift is needed, that we've veered off the path. Anxiety, depression, and learning disabilities are far more common than you believe. Your child is not alone. Recognize that there is much support within your university and within your community, and that it's okay to be different. It's also okay to need assistance in the process when one has a learning disability or mental illness to contend with. It truly does take a village to raise a young child, but that same village may also be needed to continue to nurture the adult child.

The New Year will find us moving back into our newly restored home, and Jake will return to university for semester two. Of course, I will continue to keep my eyes and ears open to any indication that Jake may need my assistance, and I will, once again, offer him a support to lean on. As I have done in the past, I will dig deep and improvise to guide Jake in finding whatever works in overcoming any obstacles that may appear. My intention in the days to come is that I will get Jake through to the end by finding a way, one that is the best fit for him. It may not be conventional, but it's what I have to offer.

It's a new age, and I'm not my mother or my father. As has been necessary, I'm making it up as I go. There really are no hard rules to follow, and the goal is the same - to be a soft place for my son to land, to catch him when he falls, to help guide him in a meaningful direction, and eventually to launch him into the rest of his life a healthy, happy, and successful young man. I'm not doing what might be a good fit for other families. I am doing what is right for mine.

In my parenting experience, so far, I've written many new chapters; ones that don't resemble much of my own childhood at all. My children will take this and build on it, make changes of their own, and create their own personal version of the story, if and when they become parents.

In the meantime, my parenting chronicle continues. 

Thank you for following my story. Don't forget to vote on this chapter, if you enjoyed it (click the star on the bottom left). I also welcome your feedback. I hope you have enjoyed Seeing Through the Cracks.