Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 15

It is the next morning before Brian gets an email, and his reaction is natural in the face of betrayal. He is angry. I am not surprised. He's not considering the emotional turmoil that Jake has been experiencing while living his double life; he only sees that Jake has lied. I understand. I experienced some of that, as well. He is also angry that I didn't tell him. I see that I have more than one fire to put out. He doesn't believe me when I tell him that I was unaware of the situation until yesterday, when I received Jake's email. He accuses me of covering for Jake. He has no idea how difficult it was not to tell him last night. Thankfully Jake has finally come clean with him. There's no way I could carry out that charade for weeks. Emotions between us are high, and this tension is not helping any of us. Our conversation becomes heated as Brian continues to feel angry and betrayed by Jake's actions and I become frustrated that he won't see it as a cry for help. I am eventually able to get the point across to him that this is not about us; this is about Jake, he is in crisis, and needs us. We somehow manage to find a common ground from which to move forward and handle this situation with more grace. We spend the rest of the weekend conversing and sorting out all of our emotions, and coming up with some sort of plan. I know that Jake will need a lot of empathy and understanding, and strength and firmness to lean on. Parenting our sons, I have always been the rule maker, the planner, the glue that holds the family structure together. Brian is a loving father, but he tends to be less involved with emotional issues. He believes I have a better handle on this and trusts my judgement. It will be me who walks Jake through the healing process, and Brian will support me in this endeavour. I have a lot to shoulder, but am relieved to know that Brian and I are now on the same page.

Jake surprises me by confessing at the end of the weekend that he has still not told his brother of his sudden departure from university life. He says he feels too much shame and doesn't want to disappoint Nick. I feel relieved that he at least felt comfortable enough to tell me, but am surprised that he doesn't think his brother can handle the truth. I tell him that he has to face this one person at a time and that even if it's tough to tell Nick, he will feel a sense of relief and the freedom to move forward when he does confess. I firmly tell Jake that he needs to break it to his brother or that I will be the one to tell him. I truly believe that revealing the truth will help Jake to start to heal from this emotional turmoil, and I refuse to cover up for him.

Jake finally relents and tells his brother what has transpired in his life over the past two months. And he finds, surprisingly, that Nick is more than supportive; he is an enormous comfort and offers to do whatever Jake needs to help him get back on track. Jake is moved to tears by Nick's support. And I am completely relieved. I am no longer alone with the secret. The whole family knows, and we are a united force ready to get behind Jake.

Jake and I have another discussion; this one about what will transpire once he returns home early in the week. I have failed Jake by ignoring key signs that he was in trouble. It's key for me to keep my eyes wide open to every clue that something may be amiss. There is an expression that "sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind" and although I believe that cruel is perhaps a little harsh, I do know that I must be solid in setting up some basic ground rules.

I demand that Jake remove the online interactive video game from his computer that he's become so dependent upon. He agrees. Jake must get back on the day shift; no more staying up until the early morning hours and sleeping all day. Jake will be required to see our family doctor and get some much needed counselling for his anxiety. I suggest bloodwork and a check-up be done, as Jake is severely underweight. He is 6'2" tall and now weighs in at only 127 lbs. He is clearly underweight and undernourished. He says yes to this rule, as well. He will have to do chores to help me around the house, and look for a part-time job while he's home for the rest of this semester. He will also have to start eating healthy meals, and getting outside for walks and attending fitness classes. He says that he's onboard and ready to commit to feeling better and creating some healthier habits. I insist that Jake consider returning to university for second semester, which will begin in the New Year. I suggest a lighter schedule, not a full-time student workload. I am afraid that if he takes more time off, he will lose momentum and perhaps not want to return to school at all. He has told me that he still wants to get his degree and continue to attend Guelph U so I want to encourage him to stay the course, so to speak. Had he told me that university just wasn't for him and that he didn't want to stay in his program, we would have looked at other options.

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Two days later I help Jake pack up and move out of his residence. Inside, the energy in the townhouse feels heavy, sad. Although it's situated in a quiet, secluded space, it feels eerily silent, more like a dead zone. Jake feels uncomfortable being there, and so do I. We pack quickly, and I secretly hope that when he returns for second semester that this place is no longer available for him to live in. I feel there are way too many triggers here, and it doesn't provide Jake with an atmosphere conducive to any kind of social life outside. We drive home to start the next chapter.

Jake starts to eat more healthily and he works hard to get back to a daytime schedule. This takes a little time and he suffers with headaches as the days wear on and his fatigue hits. For months he has been sleeping all day, and it's quite an adjustment to make his body return to wakefulness during this time. It's like returning from a long trip where the time change is twelve hours ahead and he's fighting extreme jet lag. We have to be patient with this. He starts helping with chores around the house, and I take him with me on errands into town. I am afraid to leave him alone, and I white-knuckle through each day, terrified of a relapse. Jake talks about the difficulty of not being able to play video games, and recognizes that he is going through a withdrawal process. I am relieved that he is able to share his feelings after hiding them from me for so long.

While we are in town, I suggest that Jake pick up some job applications and start applying for a part-time job to give him more purpose for waking up in the mornings. Jake calls his boss from the pub he was working at during the summer, and he decides to give Jake some weekend hours, as dictated by how busy the restaurant is. Thankfully Jake has a good work ethic, and his boss is delighted to be able to add him back to the staff.

Two weeks later I am able to get an appointment for Jake to see our family doctor. The doctor is shocked at his condition, and upon hearing his story begins a full health check, orders blood work, and agrees that there is justification for concern. Jake is so thin that his bones are showing and it sets off alarm bells for the doctor. He also suggests to us that Jake has Attention Deficit Disorder, and that it is the reason that he couldn't cope with school and all of its responsibilities, and why he ultimately checked out. Jake and I immediately disagree. Sure, Jake is a bit of a twitchy individual who cannot sit still; even in a state of rest, Jake's body will be in constant subtle motion. He also struggles to organize school and tasks at home. But I wasn't seeing the connection between Jake's need to fidget and his all-nighters with gaming as a sign of ADD. And when the doctor recommended prescribing a drug to treat Jake for ADD, I was even less enthused with what seemed to be a rather hasty diagnosis. Jake has never been good with medication, and easily breaks out in hives or a skin rash after administration. And as a holistic health practitioner, my feeling is that we could consider a more natural method of treatment, if that were necessary. But I am not even ready to accept the diagnosis. Am I being naïve, am I in denial? We do agree that Jake is suffering with anxiety. We say no to medication for this, also. Jake and I both concur that counselling would be the best option to begin to unravel the process of his dilemma.

So, our doctor agrees to put into place a counsellor who would be suitable and available to start seeing Jake as soon as possible. But he also wants Jake to follow up in a couple of weeks to see how he is doing and to discuss medication again, if there is no improvement. This seems fair.

On the drive home from the doctor's office Jake tells me that he is happy he is not going to have to take any prescription drugs. He is adamant that pharmaceuticals are not an option. We're on the same page and this is good. We are already being proactive with some healthy steps by adding nutritional food and exercise to Jake's daily regime, and there is still more work to come.