Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 38

On the last day of Jake's classes, I have other commitments throughout the day, and then I have an event to attend that evening. I don't see Jake. Brian picks him up from school and drives him to the hotel. Nick joins him for the weekend.

The following day is a wonderful time spent together as a family. I begin to feel as though I can exhale and let my guard down, now that Jake is finished with classes and lectures. My favourite place to be is with my family; it matters not whether we are at home or in this hotel. We enjoy breakfast together and then we have a swim in the hotel pool. I start to sense, during breakfast that something isn't quite right. I notice Jake's behaviour seems a little shaky. But when I attempt to talk about it, Brian abruptly stops the conversation with a curt word, and I let it go. Perhaps I am being paranoid, maybe overly-cautious. It isn't worth it to me to delve any deeper and spoil a great day ahead of us.

In the afternoon we watch an entertaining Christmas special on the television in our suite. We then get dressed up and attend an annual open house party with friends in our neighbourhood. We return to the hotel later and play a couple of card games, talking, laughing and thoroughly enjoying each other's company. We are a family who loves to play together. Card games, board games, tennis matches, music concerts, and comedy festivals are all activities we have shared many times. We relish travel and have made so many fabulous memories visiting various parts of the world. And we are a family of foodies, so enjoying excellent meals that we either prepare at home or have prepared for us in a restaurant is also big on our list. We're loud, we talk a lot, we poke fun at each other, we tell jokes, and we laugh a ton. We all have individual interests and lives outside of family time, but when we gather as a group we truly embrace ourselves as one strong, bonded unit. Today is one of those kinds of days and it feels awesome.

The following day the glow of yesterday wanes, and I have this unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach again. The sense that something isn't quite right is gnawing at me.

Mid-day, I knock on Jake's hotel door and when Nick answers I walk all the way down the length of the room to ask Jake something. And to my horror he is sitting at the desk with his laptop open and is playing that addictive multi-player online game! That game that nearly destroyed our lives; that game that took over all of his good sense, driving him into a deep, dark hole where he stopped truly living! I am furious at the sight of those mythical characters jumping off the screen, taunting me, and stirring up a sudden panic in me. I am instantly drawn in a flashback to a dangerous, darker time.

I am caught in a quandary. I want to address this and be done with it immediately. But I have no time for this; I am on my way out for the afternoon with Brian. But, I must take at least a few moments for this.

I ask Jake, "Why do you have this game loaded back on your computer?"

He looks so surprised. "I'm done my classes; I can play games now."

I look over at his brother's laptop and it's on his screen, as well. I realize that they have loaded the game, in preparation, and are now set up to play it together. I ask Nick, "Why are you encouraging this?"

He replies, "I'm trying to teach him."

I cut him off short and say, "You can't teach this."

I am enraged, and know that if I say anything more, I will create more hurt and regret than I want to. So I walk out of the room. I need time to think this through and figure out how to handle it. By walking away I realize that I am allowing the guys the afternoon to play their game. But that video game will most certainly be gone by evening, after my return. I will force the issue. I now see that this is a time when I will need to enforce my parental authority, regardless of the fact that Jake is a grown man. He cannot possibly risk losing all of the hard work he's accomplished, especially before he's written his exams. In a controlled environment, with Nick in the room, it will be fine. But he has the next two weeks, alone in his hotel room, unsupervised and with no accountability, and it would be so easy for him to fall prey to all of the enticements that this game has taunted him with before. I have visions of him up all night and sleeping all day, not answering the door when I knock to check in on him. I can feel him falling into that dark pit once more, and I am terrified.