Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 19

Jake shares his newest plan for university with me. It's one that he worked out with the counselor at his last session. First, he is going to re-take the first-year math class that is required for his software engineering program. And second, he will take two electives, one to make up for the elective he also failed, and one as an extra to take the pressure off future course loads. This plan Jake and I agreed on beforehand, and I am very comfortable with it. Jake tells me that the social worker, whom Jake has now met with a total of eight times in the past two months, agrees with his plan to incorporate some online video gaming time into his school schedule. He justifies this by explaining that because his eventual goal is to develop video games, it is vital that he spends time playing them. Alarm bells start screaming in my head as I hear this! Jake took an inordinate amount of time creating a schedule on paper, which outlines the free time that he will allow himself for gaming, and then presented it to his counselor for approval. He then tells me that this is their agreed-upon plan. I am completely uncomfortable with this and tell him so. Jake disagrees with me wholeheartedly and promises that he will stick to the schedule and practice the work hard to balance schoolwork with play. Every bone in my body tells me that Jake is either lying or that he has manipulated the counselor into believing that his emotional state is a whole lot better than I believe it is. I have seen Jake work really hard these past couple of months and I do see improvements. But I also know his vulnerability and his use of online gaming to escape stress, in my opinion it is a huge risk factor in his plan. I believe that sending Jake back into the same environment where he was anxious and left alone with his anxieties could trigger the exact same negative behaviour as before. But here's my dilemma; I am not legally allowed to discuss this with the social worker, because Jake is an adult, and I have no control over how he will behave once he leaves our home and goes back to residence. He is of age to make his own choices. But in my heart, I don't believe he has reached the emotional maturity level to make the best decisions for himself.

Herein lies the struggle, once again, of parenting an adult child versus parenting a child. I want to trust and I want to give Jake the space to prove that he has learned enough skills to manage his time, but I am scared to death. And I can't force him to do what I think is best or what his counselor has approved of. I make a promise to myself to monitor it closely, and to jump in if I sense that trouble has prevailed; if there is even an inkling of suspicion I will be on Jake's doorstep. I cannot take the risk of Jake fading away again, unsupported and alone in his dorm room and worrying about how he will handle things a second time around. I do worry about the possibility of suicide. Jake knows I have his back, but will he be able to face the guilt and remorse a second time, and come clean with me if he's in trouble? This new plan of Jake's will require a huge leap of faith and a watchful eye by me.

Tonight before bed, I write in my journal that I feel a nervous sadness. Jake will be returning to university in two more days, and although I'm happy for all of the work he's done to prepare, I will miss him and I feel nervous for him. Again, the internal struggle – to let go or to be afraid that he's just not ready. Jake is behaving as though he's got this, that he can handle this newest challenge. I convince myself that letting go is the right thing to do. I am choosing to provide Jake the foothold I think he needs to maintain his confidence that he can manage this. I push hard to keep my fears locked down inside of me.

The following day Jake has his last counselling appointment, and feels ready to return to school. We celebrate by going to the skydiving simulator, where Jake can take advantage of the gift certificate he received for Christmas. Skydiving is something Jake has spoken of for a long time. For a mother it's a scary thought to have your child fall from an airplane with a parachute, and I feel terrified at the prospect every time Jake mentions it. I decide to work on overcoming this fear, and today I take the time to speak with one of the representatives at the centre. After our conversation I feel more educated about the preparation and safety aspects of a jump, and realise I am facing yet another lesson in learning to let go. I can't stop Jake from pursuing any of his goals and dreams as an adult, and I don't want to be the kind of mother who judges and criticizes his every choice. I want to be the kind of mother who trusts and supports him. With a little more education under my belt I think I can do this. I am secretly pleased that it will require many simulator runs and much preparation before Jake transitions from a simulator to an aircraft. In any case, it's way too expensive for him to afford as a student. So I take comfort in knowing that it will be a few more years, at least, before I have to prove I trust this choice, as well.