Aiden Deis: My Subset of Reality

D-Day [January 26th, 2016]

8:59AM I feel better than yesterday or most days before, and after D-Day a year ago. I do wish I could just see him already so that he can have the opportunity to invite me to Kroger and I can then accept it as an answer. Of Course I'm hoping for Kroger, but if not Kroger, then this indecision, this uncertainty that has kept me at this crucial divergence for around a year will finally be gone, and I'll be free to make other decisions without accounting for their dependance on which road I go down at this particular divergence. If Kroger, well then great, but that means an entirely new world of complication. I don't know how the families' reactions affect the affected, but I can't imagine it will aid the bonding. Above and beyond all else, I do think I love enough to let go. I couldn't accept being the wedge between him and his family, he has an extraordinarily close bond with them.

11:19AM The only thing I know about his schedule is that he is working the front-desk from 2-10PM today. I'm not sure whether I intend to avoid the front desk or be sure to go by there, during this time. On one hand I want him to have whatever time he may need to clear his head before making a decision. But on the other, we've both had an entire year, so it's about time to have a decision ready. I would prefer a decisive "No" over a hesitant "Yes".

6:22PM I decided to avoid the front desk. The day when great. I decided to go to the gym, to work off some energy. I put music on in my car and 'jammed-out' on the way to the gym. I 'jammed-out' while cycling. I 'jammed-out' on the way back. I went in using one of the back entrances. I showered. Put money on my laundry card. Started my laundry and went downstairs to eat dinner with two of my roommates and their female friend from high school. Conversation was light and playful. We talked about how I had jokingly proposed to her two nights ago when we all were in line to buy movie tickets. We constructed an entire scenario of how this fictional relationship would play out. It involved adoption, abortion, me being infertile, me being a douche for using too many laundry machines at a time, divorce, custody battles, an imaginary pet dog-- over which there was a custody battle.

And then R sat down at the table next to ours. He was sitting to T's right, and I to T's left. I didn't expect it... I thought I had been doing great. Giving him his space. Ready to accept his choice and move on. I told myself that if he didn't invite me to Kroger on our first encounter since the letter, that I would accept that as him taking the second choice I had given him- "ignore this stupid letter and I'll take that as the closure I required".

12:16AM He came into our room after his round.

I feel: Sad, numb, tired, exhausted, defeated. I need to let this emotion engulf me for a little.

I'm can't type more right now.

10:19AM I wish I stayed up typing longer last night so could have captured what I was feeling. This morning though the longer it took R to reply to my question the more I became sure he hadn't read the letter. Since, had he made the choice to ignore the letter, his response to my question should have been a simple "yes."

I was awake early this morning, so I went and ate breakfast with T. RA M sat with us and asked whether I was going to apply to become an RA next year, I said no. But the idea stuck with me. Regardless of what were to happen next, my experience here was a good one, and the idea of being the person that facilitates that experience for others excited me. I was running the interview through my head and kept repeating the part right after I impress the interviewers by saying everything they wanted to hear and making them think I thought I said all the wrong things, when I ask them that if they were to consider me for the position, to please assign me to be RA of the hall I currently live in, because the hall means so much to me and is just filled with good memories that I want to pass on the my residents-- is what I'd say. And then when they gave me what I asked for I would spend the remainder of college days living in R's room. I'd buy the fold-out couch he has in there from him, because he'd be dumb not to sell it to me because I would pay a dumb amount of money to keep it.

After breakfast I went to Target to buy two three-ring binders. It was important to me to show my roommate C that I was making an effort toward "the Bomb Game" since from his perspective, I chose to play "metroid" last night instead of "the Bomb Game" which he had been waiting all day to play.

After getting back from Target, I decided to wash my sheets. I pulled them off my bed. Folded my comforter, so it didn't get unnecessarily wrinkled. Walked over to the laundry room, which is across the hall from R's room. Started my laundry and started back to my room. I opened my "clock" app to set a timer for my laundry and then, as I am looking at my phone I get this message:

R: "Want to go to Kroger later this week?"

  I read it. and froze. I don't know what I was expecting or hoping for, but this is what I got. And it shook me. I leaned back against the wall and had a strong desire to sit down and hug my knees until I knew how I felt; but R had an 8AM class this morning which gets out at 9:10, so if he was coming back after his first class then he was about to come walking down this hall. Laundry takes 34min, that is long enough for me to walk to the park and feel what I need to feel. So I did. I didn't cry. I don't cry. My vision did get blurry a few times on the way to the park though. It wasn't a happy cry. I wasn't happy. At least happy wasn't the dominant emotion. Maybe it was relief, or maybe sadness. Sadness, because whatever happens next- is bound to be difficult. Sadness because we don't get to just find each other, love each other and be happy. Sadness because it shouldn't have taken a year to establish that the feeling was mutual. Sadness because we have to skip from lingering-eye-contact to I'm-ready-to-ruin-my-life-for-you. We don't get to flirt, we don't get to ask our friends what they think "he meant by this text", we don't get to grow in love together. We grew in love separately and now that one of our walls are bursting... all we can do is, find out if together even works for us. And I'm scared because I assume all of this based on: "Want to go to Kroger later this week?"