Aiden Deis: My Subset of Reality

About Losing a Friend [Dec 24th, 2016]

I can feel the distance widening. I know if one of us don't bridge it soon, it will become irreparably wide. The thing is, I don't know if we should bridge the gap. I've been spending to much time in the child ego-state with him. It's fun, it's light-hearted, it's oddly innocent. But I enjoy it too much, I am in an odd way dependant on it. No, I know that the gap should not be bridged. But, should I stop it from widening too much. Should I say, it was good while it lasted, while it was necessary: "Hey Cameron, all-good-things. You were going through a stressful time and needed an ear, I was lonely and needed affection. Needs have changed, and more optimal means of fulfilling them exist now. Should there ever be another situation where a mutually beneficial exchange, you have my number." Of course, I could just pretend the winter break didn't happen. I could skype him when I get back to school, lightly call him an asshole, and everything would return to its familiar state, but familiar, comfortable, is not inherently desirable. It was always going to end eventually, I'm not his drinking buddy, and I'm not his cuddle buddy... I'm the comfortable default for when there is nothing better to do. Of course he was my default also, but I wasn't able to handle it as well. He became my priority, I began to realize how much I valued him and got scared of what I saw as the inevitable end. So tried to apply the breaks, just to slow the acceleration, but I puched too hard and actually initialized a deceleration. Then trying to recover it, I hit the gas. I accelerated too fast and left him behind. He made one or two attempts to flag me down, a snapchat, a "how are you?".

I suppose on my side I have to look at what could be causing this stress and change in psyce that is leading to this misalignment in our relationship. My parents interacting is one of my least favorite things, and absolutly not something I take lightly. My mother's emotionality makes me uncomfortable, or maybe it's my inability to resipricate it. Either way, I have very little desire or impulse to opporate in the child-egostate. This is inconsistant with the history of our friendship. I'm sure he'd be willing to bear with me through the emotional stress of it all, which would liklely lighten i a lot, but it really just isn't in my nature to talk about my family's intimacies to anyone. My family is all I have in the world. There are so many things wrong with my family, so many things for people to find fault with. Why would I partake in criticing and piling crap on a group of people who have suffered so much for me, by me, with me. I can't do that. I also can't know for sure that he would be listening from a place of sincere affection and not a place of social obligation. I also couldn't bear to become more reliant on him than I already am/was. I'm hoping as I type this that he will one day read it, and somehow understand why I am deciding to give up on this friendship.