Aiden Deis: My Subset of Reality

On the Subject of a Broken Heart

February 9th - 2016

So there is stuff I have to fill in. The conclusion of D-Day. I will, just not now. Pressing matter at hand.

01/31/16 7:54PM I should have seen this coming and prevented it. Instead I ignored it, forgot about it, and made it worse. With consideration given to my apparent tendency to allow my imagination to shape my reality in mind-- I think MM has more than friendship in mind for us. This is not good. All of my previous relationships have been me finding out somebody is interested in me and then me developing or at the extreme least mistaking myself for having developed a romantic interest in them.

I'm paranoid. I feel as though I am already starting to 'like' her.

I can't pretend to be not very convinced that I am right in assuming her position, I can recognise my own emotions in her texts. How egotistical of me to think someone could feel toward me how I feel about R (after typing it, I considered changing it to "felt", but that would not be true yet). But it's not as if there is something that special about R that prompted me to feel what I felt, maybe something as simple as looking her in the eyes too long or smiling at her on a day when she really needed someone to smile at her. What could R have done to stop my heart when my heart wanted nothing more than to race? How do I slow her heart without breaking it? Or is breaking a heart the only way to stop it? Did R break my heart? It isn't stopped. It's contained, but I feel it beating. Do I need to force his hand, do I need him to break it? I don't want MM to have a year of what I just went through.

I like looking people in the eye. Like making them smile, making them feel good about themselves. I like being the happy that breaks the gloom. I wish R had never looked me in the eye, had never made me smile, or been the source of happy. I wish I had never confused his kind gestures as gifts wrapped especially for me. I wish I never let those gestures put me in a position where I wished that I could hate him. I wish that I wasn't convinced that as I'm typing this, MM is waiting on my reply or otherwise very deliberately not waiting on it. I wish that she doesn't associate me with happiness or completion.

I wish that my knowing and understanding her agony so fully didn't make me want to be her happiness, be her completion. I wish to wash emotion from my life. But not really. I feel as alive being sad as I do feeling happy... but I don't feel when I don't feel.

Aiden don't do it. NEVER do it! you have done it before! remember how that went? Yes ofcourse you love her, you love her now like you loved her then. But your heart never raced once. How must she have felt, how agonizing when she had the promise of your heart but it refused to race. Don't be so narcissistic as to think you're doing it because you love her, you'd not be doing her a favor. You'd be sticking your finger in her wound to make sure it doesn't heal, because you don't want to leave her with a scar. But it's too late. Let it scar now, before it gets infected, before she grows used to the pain. Before the pain fools her into believing she deserves the pain.