I find my life interesting enough to write about. So I assume there exists a set of people who might find it interesting enough to read about. As should become blatantly obvious, I believe that revising grammar, spelling, style and the like would co...
Mmmmkay... So my sister caught my parents in the act today. Yup, uhhmmmnnngg. I guess, I get it. Right. I mean why not. Actually, my early childhood stands testament as to why not. It's a pretty big reason why not. I don't know if they've grown in the meantime. Maybe it's worth considering that the formative years of their 3 children's lives might have put strain on them also. Maybe it's worth pointing out that I have always been thankful for my dad putting an ocean between the two of them, thinking it would be enough to finally allow the festering wound that is their relationship to heal over. Good god, an ocean wasn't enough. I don't suppose they're mature enough to not mistake pent up sexual desires for love. I'm not even fooling myself, there is no way on gods green earth (by the way no I don't believe in god, but I didn't believe this would happen either) that this was pure sex drive. They're both past the age. What this was was more likely a mutual acknowledgement of loneliness. God help me, I'm happy for them. She's leaving on the 29th. This is going to break her. Knowing that her vision of happiness is graspable. I don't know if he knows what he is doing. Maybe he loves her? Maybe he values her disruption of his loneliness enough to emulate love. Maybe I misdiagnosed him. Maybe I was just grasping, trying to find a cause for my own similar diagnosis, could I have diagnosed myself incorrectly. Possibly, but I wouldn't bet heavily on it.
It's odd how much more respect I have for Love or the Absence of Loneliness after having fallen in love and on a different occasion lived-in-love. Someone to confide in, someone whose presence doesn't put you on alert, who doesn't cause you to actively be different than what you are, someone who is easy to be around, who could be doing a sudoku puzzle in your periphery and not make you feel obligated to interact with them but free to do so.
I hope for that for them, I hope for that for everyone. But if they should try it, then there lays a rough road ahead for them. Incredibly rough, and it might be rough enough to break them again. Like it was repetitively throughout my childhood. Maybe a decade's worth of distance has made them both scared enough of loneliness, has made their hearts grow fonder... or more desperate.
Now, it was 100% engineered on her part. This is not up for debate or open to question. This was her intent. And she fucking did it with food. I don't know if that was what got to him, but that was her strategy. She was making foods and drinks deliberately inspired by what were probably some of the happier moments of their relationship: eating at Spur. 1) Not something they could afford to do regularly 2) I don't have a second reason, I just have a very strong personal positive connection with eating at Spur. Now if I understand my dad AT ALL, then he saw right through it, probably long before he suggested that she make food in the first place.
I don't imagine Neil will be thrilled about this. He knows now, he must have heard talking to me about it, there is no way he couldn't, and she didn't leave it ambiguous.
Neil being the eldest would have the clearest memories of the emotional trauma that, from a direct causality perspective, dad inflicted on mom. I don't think he has ever forgiven him for that. Neil might not even notice that he feels it anymore. And also this is ALL conjecture. But also, I place a very high value on my conjecture.
Anyway, we were out doing a secret santa gift exchange at a restaurant in dumas. We got there at 7 and left after nine, meaning we probably weren't home until after 10. While dropping everyone off, at Bert's house, we all (Cameron, Bert, Neil, Lara, and I) got in the jeep so that Bert could give me and Neil christmas gifts. Well, it was crazy cold and I selfishly asked Lara if she wouldn't mind driving my car home (which was idling in front of the jeep) and she said she was willing. We went to drop Cameron off at his house, during which process, I realized that my weed cookie was gone (another story, that is still developing) I assumed that Neil had thrown it away at first, but later realized he would have probably just wanted to be rid of it and so have given it to Delila or Daren, or even Bert. Well we dropped Cameron off, and drove home, when Neil dropped me off at dad's house I asked him whether the "dagga" was thrown out and not in the jeep so that it's not laying around. He confirmed he had given it to Daren. He pointed out that Lara had left my car's lights on so I had to walk around to the other door where the car was so I could turn them off. When I got there Lara was by the door and said to me: "I don't think we should go in, the door's locked, dad's naked and mom's shoes are still here." (I can't help at smiling while typing that line). Welp, I sure as hell intended on following that advice, but it was too late for Lara, she'd already tried to open the door, they knew someone was there, and to leave now would be to acknowledge that something was up. So I pretend to not find something in my car and head over to Neil's house. It's fair to say, my thoughts were with Lara. As I enter Neil's front door, he asks me what I'm doing there: "I want to take a picture of all my Cosby books" I replied (another story for another time), so I got my other three Cosby books and lined them up and took a picture to send to the person who gave me the Cosby book, Daren. Considering whether I should see if he'd give me back the weed cookie, I figured I'd see whether it was even worth admitting that I wanted it back (I imagined it would cause quite a reaction from all the parties involved) So I texted Cameron: "Daren has the cookie, if I get it back, will you break bread with me?" Not waiting for a reply, I texted Daren:
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Well Lara comes back and confirms that indeed 2+2=4. She spoke for a while about awkward it was. About after she tried the door, she could see that dad was naked, she heard him say "oh shit" and run. He took a while and then came and opened the door wearing shirt pants AND belt. She said told me about the entertaining lie he very creatively used to explain the fact that in a couple of seconds (presumably after getting dressed) mom would be coming out of his bedroom, apparently they were thinking of moving his mattress to the living room like they used to do for us when we were kids, so we could all sleep on a giant bed watching tv.
It's an interesting thought to me, to wonder whether he believes that she believes him. He probably does but is that because he thinks she is that dumb, or because he thinks she is that good of a liar, or because he REALLY needs to pretend that he believes she believes it.
Accordingly, I'm curious about whether they believed my obliviousness when I eventually came back over (to find them sitting VERY unsuspiciously casually on the furthest separated couches they could) and recounted the events of our party, mentioning everything, but my missing weed cookie. I mean I believe it was extremely convincing, I also felt that they looked quite guilty (but that might have just been the fact that I knew they had something to hide), but if I allow for the possibility that they might not be able to see their own transparency, I should also consider that neither might I. Also hopefully they were focused too much on appearing casual to notice if a did falter. (I swear to god I think my mom might have been using some food metaphors to allude to the events as if they were an inside joke they had... if only).
At some point Cameron said "Of course" he would 'break bread with me' and later Brendan replied back, that he would "get it back to me". That was really nice of him, I haven't been very good friends to him and Delila, and maybe Bert recently.
I'm worried though that "get it back to me" means leave it with Bert, because I'm 90% sure Roberto wants to see me high. In fact, I'm 100% sure. I, on the other hand, have 0% interest in that happening. I don't worry about my ability to tell Bert as much, my concern is about explaining why I would want to do I alone, which would have to be what I tell him I intend to do, because I think it would be an awful thing to tell him 'no, I'd rather do it with someone else', especially since we are very good friends, in the sense that we share being closeted atheists with each other, though I don't like the term atheist, because of the connotation of being anti-religious, whereas I, at this stage, am non-religious.
