Aiden Deis: My Subset of Reality

February 15th - 2016

 I'm not entirely sure why I chose what I chose. I chose to spend next year living in an apartment with J and R. As I sit here typing this, I am sure that I don't consider either of them to be a friend of mine. J seams a fine person, and I can't un-love R, but I don't have to like either of them. To be sure, I have definitely concluded that the instance of R that I loved, does not exist. Unfortunately the real R still bears the face of someone I loved, and I think there will always be some shrapnel stuck in the crevices of his features to remind me of my mistaken infatuation.

I seriously struggled with the decision. My choices were live in an apartment with J and R or stay @ the C and apply to be an RA.

My concerns when it comes to living with J and R include but are not limited to: They both graduate after next year, meaning I'll have to find new roommates for the year after. J & R are, as far as I can tell, best-friends. That puts me at a distinct disadvantage, seeing as how I will constantly be outvoted. This came to the forefront of my concerns when I walked into my dorm room Friday, and J and R were there waiting on me. To be clear, we did not discuss going at this time, they knew I was free after 12:30 and so they discussed this, decided on a time, and then without warning me, waited in my dorm and told me we were going touring housing. When we started suggesting places to live, I put forth The Woodlands. One of my roommates from last year lived there now, and I like it. So I walk into my dorm to these to hamsters, I put down my backpack and walk to the restroom, as soon as I was beyond sight of them, I heard one of the hamsters take a deep breath to brace themselves and then R said: "We're not going to tour the Woodlands." He was not saying that we were not touring them on that day, he was saying that the two of them had decided my opinion was invalid and was not going to be considered. I was good that the hamster waited for me to be out of sight, because I did physically react to the statement. It was very unexpected, since they had never before indicated any apprehension about the Woodlands. The hamsters couldn't see my physical pause at the statement, and while it was delayed, they certainly couldn't gauge my level anger through my even toned, almost fluffy, replay of: "Alright".

We went and toured The Arbors, which we all really liked. We drove back and decided we were all satisfied and prepared to sign at The Arbors. I slept.

Saturday was Aggieland Saturday, when hoards of high schoolers tour the campus. I had volunteered to help promote the C@CS, because I was hoping the $50 reward would be able to hold me over until I got a job, so that I didn't have to ask Dad for money. Which wasn't the case, a few days before I had called him because I thought he was bored, and he brought up the fact that my balance was low, and said he would replenish it that night. By this time, though, I was already signed up to help. So me and T headed down for breakfast at 8:15 Saterday morning and spent the rest of the day convincing strangers how great the C@CS is. It was a great feeling, it was ss

11:19AM I remember how much pain I had subjected myself to in the attempt to prevent my unrequited love to turn to hate. But now it has. It is a tempered hatred. Not flaming hot, not ready to sear anyone's skin. But well tempered, and not likely to break. It is this now-hate that acts as my backbone, my resolve when interacting with R now. It sustains me. I don't like having this hatred, it dramatically changes who I am. I will keep it until after signing the lease, I will need it to strengthen me in my effort to ensure they both understand they have overstepped and by doing so lost the privilege of the illusion of authority over me. Yes, I chose the road that is laced with thorned roses, and poisoned flowers, but before stepping foot on that road, I will take a flamethrower to it and destroy the current foliage on the believe that what will grow back in place will be better, and if not, well I tried. And I'll set down my flamethrower before entering the scorched path. Because it weighs me down. Because I can make beautiful even a poison flower as long as I understand its origin.